Why I don’t date

I’m sure many of you are wondering if I am holding myself back being a non-mistress mistress. Perhaps you feel I should be getting back on my feet now that my EL and I have evolved from fuck buddy into friendship.

Well I’ll tell you, I do dare my friends to set me up on blind dates. All but one are unaware of my EL, so they have no excuse not to. Sure it’s dangerous, but call me JP – I’m hedging my bets. Friends do wonder if I’m ready to date. And if I’ve taken any steps towards that. I always ask if they have someone in mind because I’d go. None offer. See I have great, wonderful friends and they love me for who I am. It’s just, well, I would be a hard sell at first. Yeah, I am the definition of “she’s got a great personality”. I use this tactic to misdirect attention and not have people delve too far into things because some days I’d like to shout to the world how much I love my EL. But then there’d be questions and I cannot answer those questions.

I am still listed on plentyoffish. Occasionally I’ll get a note. They’re ignored because I’m not interested in seeking out some new relationship. Every once in awhile there is a profile that piques my interest. Like yesterday for example. My inbox had a message from a man who was not wearing camouflage or on an ATV; didn’t talk about his hunting hobby or comic book collection. So I venture online only to find he posted pictures of his penis. *eye roll* Really? Then I get a message from a guy who says he goes for fat, white women. Alright may be used “bbw”- same thing. So, not that he was interested in anything I wrote, just my ability to be born white and my inability to stop eating has caught his romeo heart. Oh stop me! I might just faint as he sweeps me off my feet.

THIS awaits me in the dating world? No thanks. I’ll take lunches and coffees with laughter and conversation. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind the hot sex, but right now this is what I have and I wouldn’t change it.

The shirt

I met my EL for lunch. The shirt, which was the perfect touch to my outfit, once played a role in one of our sexual escapades. When I put it on I stopped for a moment, thinking about that time in the kitchen.

I wore nothing but this button down dress shirt. I pulled my tits out of the half buttoned shirt and squeezed the nipples, my hands moved down my stomach to my already wet pussy. My EL walked into the house while I masturbated. He walked over, dropped his pants and let me watch him stroke himself while he took in the scene. Then he put his cock in my mouth for me to suck the sweet hardness while his hand joined mine rubbing my clit to orgasm.

God he is the perfect lover. I crave him still.

As we sat down for lunch he complimented me on how nice I looked. He always makes me feel so beautiful. And then he acknowledged he remembered the shirt too. If I could have I would have taken him right there in the restaurant. It makes me happy to know those memories float around his head too.

I slept in the shirt. I didn’t want to take it off. Somehow it brought me closer to him. I can’t be with him, but one day maybe his arms will wrap around me like this shirt does now.

Living the life of What About Bob

My life is a living embodiment of Bill Murray trying to take the bus to see Richard Dreyfus who’s on vacation with his family in the movie What About Bob? Yeah, I’m getting on and off trying to convince myself that I have the capability to change. To tackle fears and obstacles in order to reach my destination.

Sunday I was out past lunchtime. I was hungry and my normal MO is to just grab fast food – wasting money and adding way too many calories to my diet. But, I decided to make choices that would help me reach my goal of saving and becoming healthy. While I cooked lunch, I chopped up vegetables that could be used for quick snacks this week. When I was doing Weight Watchers a couple years ago I learned to make these snack packs so there’s no excuses for eating healthy. Victory!

After lunch I went on a 2 mile walk because I need a tan desperately and talked myself out of the self tan lotion saving yet another 9 bucks. That evening I convinced the kids to go out on another walk so we could all enjoy the outdoors. This replaced the run to DQ for Blizzards that I was so very much craving. Family time and money in the pocket. Now I’m feeling really good about myself.

But alas today, I am not able to be so thrifty and healthy. Schedules are such that I cannot get home to cook. I might be wrong, I’ll play it by ear. My EL reminded me that’s it’s equally important to take things slow and stick with it as it is to just be doing something.

That’s hard for my black and white mind to resolve. I totally buy into the logic, but seem to lose faith once I take a step off that driven path. The mind goes “well what does it matter, I’ve already messed up.” That’s the Bill Murray analogy. On and off, on and off. Somehow I need to convince it’s progress no matter how long it takes. I’m purpose driven though. I’ve learned this and am constantly reminded as life comes at me. Give me yarn and knitting needles with no project and it will sit there for ages. Tell me that something needs to be created though and I won’t stop until everything is completed – to the detriment of housework and chores. Crazy right? Right.

My work sent me information about their gym facilities that I could join for less a month than any place out there – even have it deducted from my check. I was super excited on Monday to get signed up, but because of busy schedules I haven’t and I worry that the enthusiasm will wane. But if I do it, then I will be more likely to follow through on regular exercise – well at least the weeks I don’t have the kids. It’s a matter of being motivated enough to follow through on that Easter energy when I wanted to do a 5k (and have done nothing towards that goal).

The baby steps is exactly the way I need to approach change yet my mind holds me hostage with negative messages each time the baby step doesn’t result in an achieved goal. It’s not fair. Sometimes I wish I could go in and re-wire my brain waves.

Unfortunately right now not getting these goals taken care of is causing me such anxiety. In fact, for the past week or so I’ve noticed myself saying (inside my head) “high anxiety” which brings it to my consciousness. Even as I sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night saying this. Again – strange. I chat quite figure me out. Any ideas??

A glimpse into a Saturday

A rare Saturday with nothing to do first thing in the morning. I decide to sleep in except my body wakes up at the usual 530am. In defiance, I fight with it for three hours to let me sleep. Ironic. I refuse to get up because I have the freedom to sleep but cannot sleep. Finally I get up because my head is pounding. I admit defeat, the body wins.

So many chores need to be done. I decide to start by going grocery shopping, getting gas, and checking the mailbox. I only check mail once a week. Last week I sent off my birth control Rx to Planned Parenthood, so I naturally thought it would be awaiting me. Instead I find a Return to Sender stamped across the envelope because I forgot a stamp. D’oh!

Racing across town I find the office in the suburbs, the one closest to me, is closed on Saturday. Arggh. While sitting at my local coffee shop, I decide to call the main office and find they’re open. Yeah! Off to downtown. It’s not that I have to have the pills immediately, but next week is so busy it will be difficult to find time to pick them up and then I will have some urgency. It makes more sense to make the run today.

The nice thing was I found out it is really pretty close to my new job which will help in the future. Set to pick up multiple months, I’m informed the other location didn’t actually put the Rx in the computer and asked to wait while they get in touch with their only nurse on duty at yet another location. I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t put on a stamp, now I could get everything worked out.

Accompanying me in the lobby while I waited was a group of girls. They talked with each other in a superficial, tense kind of way. They didn’t seem much older than high school seniors and I wondered what brought them in. Only one went back though her friend had wanted to join but was told she wasn’t allowed. I felt a strange pity combined with a desire hold them.

It took about 40 minutes. Because it took so long, they gave me one month free and told me I could come back next week once the Rx was imputed for the other months. While I waited, I was astounded by the number of people (men and women) who came in for Plan B. It was Saturday morning after all. I live such a naïve life, I would have never guessed so many young adults (18-23) were having accidental unprotected sex. No judgment in that, simply surprised by how clueless I can be.

On my way home I was diverted because of a water main break. The detour takes me close to my EL’s work. I smile thinking about our past rendezvouses. The risk and danger of having sex in his office. Out loud I say, “I love you” as if he could hear me.

Four hours later I have made it home. Chores still there. And they’ll probably be there for a bit longer…it’s Saturday and I’ve already put more energy into it than planned. For now I will be knitting because that’s just all around more fun.

I’d like to thank everyone

Imagine my surprise at finding out I’ve reached 500 likes on my blog!! Wow! And here I was going to just write about sex, the lack there of, and desire to have mind-blowing sex with my EL.

It is very humbling to know that people have taken the time to read, like, and comment on the blog and various rantings and complaints. So many have been patient, listening, advising, and caring. Thank you everyone for getting me to this milestone!

Before I get to the standard forlornings , I have to tell you a funny story. My son and I were talking tonight and he says, “church is really awesome you know that? I mean, it brings strangers together and you find friends.” Hahaha. That warms my heart in ways he has no idea. And then he raved on about my friend’s cooking and how he loves the lamb kabobs she made. What a ray of light in my world.

I walked through today slowly. There was much to do, a lot of work to be done, but my mind refused to be productive. The cloudy, rainy weather put me in a fog which I couldn’t pierce. Instead my mind went to thoughts of my EL and how much I wanted to have him in the back seat of his car. The cool weather and hot passion were just what my soul needed. Of course it wasn’t going to happen. My mind wouldn’t let go of memories. His hot lips eagerly against mine, fingers exploring my thighs – teasingly stroking my pussy lips. Ah, the wetness building until at last he presses against my clit. Opening his jeans to see his hard cock hard and ready. How he’d started coming sans underwear so I could have access to his balls while I sucked his sweet shaft. Damn I needed him.

Today is one of those days I wonder about the future. Not just the sex, but how he would get a kick out of my son’s observations. These times I want to start a life with my EL right away. I don’t want to have to wait for years while he tends to his obligations and then have to make a decision as to if he will be able to take on the financial burden to leave his marriage. Other days I think the time will pass so quickly I can be patient. Sometimes these thoughts are simultaneous. I want to be with him all the time and want to give him the distance he needs to find the right path for himself. The dichotomy becomes exhausting and comforting. It’s because I love him that I both want him and want what’s best for him.

Would it surprise anyone if I told you he was off on vacation with his family? The insecurity gets the best of me. Then I feel guilty for my insecurity and then begin the race on the treadmill. I don’t want him to feel badly because he has the chance to be with his family. Kids are only with us for a short time. He should take every moment he can to be with them. Blah….all I know is that today would have been the perfect day to stay wrapped under blankets with a lover curled up tight against me.

Enough for now…off to dream….

Last Resort

George is back!! And we have another addition of great erotica. When you head to your next vacation, you might want to consider Arizona and looking up a Natasha for a very satisfying  massage. Check out Last Resort and enjoy.

Strange conversations

I had a meeting with my boss today to go over how things are going, navigating the new position, and task lists. It feels good to know that they’re happy with my work so far and know they’re excited for the future. After waiting for so long to find something, this position is wonderful!

Strangely enough she used to work at the same place my Ex used to work. They narrowly missed each other as she left as he was coming in. She talked about how many affairs were happening at the office. I knew of a couple, but was surprised at how rampant it was. At the time the Ex worked there I suspected he was involved with something but had nothing to go on other than a feeling. Of course now I wonder! My boss made a comment about the morality of the place and I felt, for the first time, an amazing amount of hypocrisy while nodding in agreement with her.

I’ll have been involved with my EL for two years this summer. Though we’re not intimate, we share everything. Those times I get romantic notions about posting pictures of him at my desk or telling co-workers about him all blew out the window with this feeling today. The fact is, just as when I started this blog, I am still a mistress. I’ve been able to reconcile my two lives up until having to discuss it in a setting which would not be conducive to admitting my failures. We all know how important outward appearances are when dealing with people – especially in a new job. So I nod and admonish such behavior while wishing I could slip away to a motel with my EL.

Here’s where I should have that “ah ha” moment right? Instead I think of everything that’s happened in the last two years. From incredible sex to tender conversations. My EL has become my best friend and confidant. He knows the mom persona, sexy conversationalist persona, the timid and vulnerable persona, and the loving persona. He’s witness the range of crazy and seems to accept me despite.
So I just ponder what a strange thing happened – small-town, overlapping circles and topics which crossover. Coincidences. Randomness that seems to tie up chapters in my life while feeding new chapters. Bizarre really.

Thank you

For everyone who took the time to comment and like yesterday’s breakdown, Thank You! Those emotions hit me out of the blue. I was having a great day and then it all came to an end and I struggled with reconcinling everything.

Somewhere on the internet I’ve seen a quote that says something about knowing who your friends are by not only those who will be there for you, but will go out of their way to be there. I bring it up because I told my EL how much pain I was experiencing yesterday and he re-arranged his schedule to meet me for lunch so we could talk. He held me, listened to me, and let me cry all over again. There was no judgement. He brought with him understanding, compassion, and chocolate covered strawberries!

It felt so warm to know that he would make the effort to spend time with me even with the emotional drain as I was. Say what you will about the immorality of an affair, he is a true friend who loves me. And I love him for giving me a new perspective on what love really means.

I read Rock for Brains’ blog and feel sometimes that my EL could write some of the thing he feels. I know my lover would like things to be different which could give him some freedom to explore a real relationship with me. He wants me to be fulfilled and doesn’t want to hold me back if I find love with an available man; he’d support me if that’s the direction I want. My EL is generous and would sacrifice his happiness for mine. Today is only one example of the deep support he provides me. One day, I hope I can give back to him as much as he’s given to me.

I need to know

I owe everyone an update from week one of being back in the real world and I’ll get to it, I promise. To put it simply, it was great. Everyone has made me feel welcome and they’re excited the changes. Yeah!

Today though, I just need to know that everything I’m feeling is ok. Well, fuck it. I need to know that everything I’m feeling is ok. Jesus, I’m so tired of telling myself everything will be alright. I don’t want anyone to tell me I’m better off, that I’m on the road to recovery, that I have people who love and care about me. All those things just burn my soul right now. Of course they’re true, of course I know how much better I am now than I was even six months ago…but god damn if that doesn’t soothe the ache inside of me.

Tears burn my eyes. The more I try to stop them, the faster they run down my face. Doesn’t bode well considering I cannot get internet to work at home and will be typing in public. Screw public – what do I care if strangers see the tears?

Let me preface by saying, I DO NOT want a life with the ex any longer. I do not regret a single decision which lead me to be by myself. I regret that I have lost everything in order to gain myself. Anger swells up. HE has everything still. Watching him succeed is only a reminder of what I do not have.

The pets I see greet the kids as they walk in his door. They used to comfort me. Sleep with me. Welcome me home. I miss them like mad. Silly right? I think what I  hate the most is that I gave them over to him, just like ensuring the kids had equal time with him, I wanted to be sure the pets were loved and cared for. There was no way I could keep them, I know this, but please don’t tell me this. I don’t want to listen to rational thought today. I’m hurting, I’m emotional, and yes, I’m alone.

Since I’m getting back on my feet, I’ve made financial concessions to the ex to try to “make up” for what I couldn’t do while unemployed. What the fuck is wrong with me? Compassion or eternally stupid? The latter of course! He’ll continue to take advantage of me as long as I continue to let him. As long as I continue to care about humanity, he will continue to take, take, take. That isn’t his character flaw, it’s mine.

Anger grows deeper as I watch him trot along with his chosen mate. She’s not attractive by the way. It’s not that he’s moved on that has upset me so much though, it’s that she now is the benefactor of that kindness he could never show to me. She now will receive those things I begged for, worked for, desired so deeply. He will have learned from the mistakes and she will be treated properly while I gave up 17 years of my life and get stuck with destroyed credit and torn apart self-esteem. I was used, stomped on, and thrown away. Garbage. He made me feel that way while we were together and his opinion of me has only gotten worse. MY kids now see him treating her well while they grew up watching the disrespect towards me mount daily. What does that teach them about me? Exactly what he’s always hoped they’d learn from him – I’m unworthy. It gives him endless pleasure I’m sure.

My daughter told me today that everyone loves me. I laughed and asked her why she thought that. A person from our church made a comment about my kindness which caught her off guard I guess. Unsolicited compliments always take me back. I told her the key to life is always treat people how you want to be treated. In her best teen-age attitude, she rolled her eyes and gave me a “whatever”. Deep down I know she believes me and tries to live up to the principal. It’s difficult though when she has another person in her life that is all about taking and throwing away.

I’ve been able to spend time with my son a lot as of late. He has really opened up and shared things, asked me about my work, and gotten excited about the same things. The other night we started a word game out of the blue. Laughing he said he really enjoyed the spontaneity. In one of our conversations he told me that his dad punched him in the ribs because my son wouldn’t calm down. What do I do with that information?? How do I process that? We talked about the situation, he said he felt comfortable with how things were solved, so I didn’t push it anymore. Like a good, god damn, submissive ex-wife I defended the SOB. I don’t believe it was a violent hit, but more like a slap to get my son’s attention. I can only work with what he told me though and the mamma bear inside me wants to investigate further. So, yeah, there’s that…I feel so strongly that the kids need to have a relationship with the shit that I’ll justify his behavior – STILL!

The ex has successfully navigated the post-divorce pitfalls. Or at least he wants me to believe he has. I still get forwarded mail and contacted about past due notices. In the midst of all of that he makes sure the kids have lavish birthday parties and all the new gadgets on the market. Meanwhile, I guilt my daughter into buying us Mother’s Day lunch to celebrate. Partly so she realizes the importance of showing appreciation, partly because I couldn’t afford lunch and the activity we went on today. I don’t buy them everything they want, but I make sure they have everything they need. The ex is able to do both – or at least makes the kids (and those not close to him) believe he’s on easy street. I wonder how much longer it will be before they realize their punishments are in direct relation to the things he promised, but cannot fulfill? My son was expecting an iPhone in August, but has been told his “stupid” mistakes cost him that “privilege”. Yup, there’s my emotional abuser. The ex has sports fees in June and August that would be taking up the additional income he might have had for the new phone, but it’s much easier to make the son feel unworthy of the phone. Idiot.

Hearing this rant, you’d think I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what he does with his life and know that I’m soooo much better off. It’s a fucking mind game though when I struggle to find  economical groceries to stretch the almighty dollar and find the least expensive place for me to live – still months away from being able to do that on my own. I can’t seem to get past the fact that I’m alone, in a coffee shop on Mother’s Day night after having a wonderful day with my beautiful family. I can’t seem to get past the fact that I have to give up my happiness so that fuck-head can put on the impression that he is a good dad. I can’t get past the fact that no matter how far I’ve come, I still have so much farther to go. And no amount of placating how much better a person I am will help me know that I am truly a good-hearted, loving, kind, beautiful woman.

So please don’t tell me that I’m better off. Please don’t explain that I am loved. Please don’t remind me how karma is a bitch. Today, I just need to know that it’s okay that I am sad. It’s ok that I’m crying. It’s ok that I am feeling extremely and painfully lonely. Tell me it’s ok that I’m overwhelmed with trying to dig myself out of a hole what seems to be made of quick sand. Today, please just hold me and let me cry.

 

Taking the first step

Well it’s official. I’m heading back into the workforce. Tomorrow will be the first day back into the company culture. Deadlines, projects, expectations. Nervous joy is settled over me. Can I live up to the demands? My self-esteem has been torn these last several months and there’s a nagging doubt all around me. None the less, I’m happy. This is a step in the right direction.

Everything I have lost makes a clear path to rebuild things my own way. But which way is that? My EL asks me if I know myself and what I want. No. I have such a strong pattern of being a chameleon that I don’t know who I am unless someone else tells me. This is my problem, my reason that I find myself in unhealthy relationships.

But, I tell him, I know myself more in this relationship with him than I have ever before. I appreciate all he brings to the friendship and how much he exposes me to new things. This time though, I haven’t lost myself in his interest; becoming obsessed in changing who I am to be his clone. I credit him for allowing the place to grow. He doesn’t demand that I become the same as him and soak up all that he is. It’s nice to be encouraged for what I bring to a relationship and to be recognized for what I add to “us”. When I say I am happy, it’s because I am happy, not because I force happiness.

The best example of this acceptance would be our involvement in organized religion. As you know, I have a strong foundation in organized religion even though I struggle with my lack of faith. He doesn’t have a foundation and has no desire to start. He’s been passively active in church as his family is involved. In the past, I would have denied my foundation – using my struggling faith as an excuse – to adapt to his views. Instead, we both accept the other’s view. I created a photo album of my nature photography along with bible verses. He genuinely complimented on both the art and the religion finding a bridge between our points of views there by allowing each of us to be individuals instead of forcing one way upon the other.

This all seems convoluted doesn’t it? It’s difficult to explain outside my head. All I know is that this time around it’s different from any other. Maturity? Maybe. I’ve been broken down by life, by people, by circumstances and now is my time to build back up – on my terms. Being conscious rather than passive; aware of the world and how I can direct the play.

I want my EL to be with me during this journey of self-revelation, just as I do any friend who hasn’t yet given up on me.