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Contemplation

July 31, 2014

Living in an apartment has it’s share of disadvantages. Kids running and screaming down the hallway at all hours. The upstairs neighbors pounding away at things – including their bedroom. I woke up in the middle of the night to the strangest sound. Panicked there was something wrong in the apartment when I figured out it was just the squeeky springs of the upstairs neighbor’s bed. At least someone is getting something!

But it also has it’s advantages. No lawn work or weeding, no raking or mowing. These last few days I’ve sat on the balcony watching the clouds float across the sky as if on  a walkway mover in the airports. Clearing the sky as the clouds piled up on the eastern horizon. The wisps of white building into cauliflower puffs in a collection of grey and gold which was the perfect screen for the sunset show that danced across the sky.

I wonder. Is this really all there is to life. Does it have to be more complicated than enjoying the wonders that have already been given to us? Is my fight to change my status from single to partnered as important as I allow my mind to make it?   And the one that I get stuck at, that I can’t answer and so I return inside – if I am confident, courageous, competent, beautiful, desirable, smart and witty, then why do I turn men off rather than turn them on?  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to answer that myself and, as of now, haven’t figured out how to survey the men who’ve left my life.

A friend tells me to write myself an email listing all the things I want and expect in and from a relationship. She says it helps keep me focused on the end goal and less mired in the muck of getting there. The things I want are so simple that it seems silly to have to put it out to the universe. Yet, I find when I go to write, the words and thoughts in my head get muddled and unclear. I think it’s a good exercise in clarity if nothing else.

In the calmness of the evening; the coolness that breaks the humid air I accept myself for who I am and where I am. Life moves even when we don’t stop to watch it creep across the ozone. We may not understand where we’re supposed to be, but we’ll have a destination and we’ll know it when we arrive.

This weekend will be filled with friends which will help reset my cognitive suffocation and breath fresh breath into my stale mindset.

Singleness

July 28, 2014

I’m having another moment of feeling fully my singlehood. It’s my weakness. It seems all things in this world remind me of the oneness.

While I’ve been working at changing my perception of me in this world, lately I’ve struggled more than usual. Recently at a few gatherings I’ve attended, the people in the groups have all had significant others. Each of them have had someone to check in with, to call home and update them on the happenings. I’ve felt more like a third wheel. It’s as if I could be swallowed away into the nothingness and nothing would change in the human timeline.

Yes, it’s a bit if hyperbole. An extreme reaction to simple events. It reminds me I how much I want to share my life — to have a purpose beyond my skull.

As with everything in life, this emotion can lead to greatness if allowed to leave the darkness of my soul. So that’s where I am. What change, what difference can I make – even if in just one life.

Fuck or date

July 20, 2014

I’m thinking about a recent conversation with a friend. She’s found herself in a fantastic relationship which is meeting all her needs inside and outside the bedroom. Jealousy wells up in me even as I celebrate her happiness.

It’s been a long time I’ve been looking for a friend who is also my lover. The more rejection I receive, the more I am tempted to give up the search and just fulfill my physical needs. The message that I’m fuckable, just not dateable is reinforced every time someone contacts me with a cheap pick up line.

I’ve had good conversations turn sexual so quickly that I don’t believe there’s a man out there that wants anything more from me. And keep in mind that my profiles specifically say I’m not looking for sex!

So what is it about me that makes men not see my value beyond the bedroom? I’m confident which is supposed to be sexy. I’m kind which should be inviting. I listen. I care. I give myself to my career and my community. Honestly, why am I not winning men over?

I’m middle age. I’m getting grey hair. My body is fighting my efforts to become more attractive. The days if me being able to be fuckable are quickly slipping away. If I don’t figure out the magic of dating soon I might die alone.

Am I asking too much to have a man romance me? Tell me I’m beautiful after he gets to know me? I promise I can make all his sexual desires come to life if only he takes the time to know me as a person first.

So, I’ve come to be vocal about taking on blind dates and any match ups people want to set me up on. Yet the calendar is still wide open. Even friends won’t risk suggesting men for me to date. Ugghh. What’s the point sometimes?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still working in me, exploring my hobbies, working on being healthier – but would it be so wrong to have a partner to join me along the war?

That kind of drunk

July 18, 2014

When your face is numb, you are relaxed and all is the most entertaining thing in the world. It’s a wonderful feeling of release. You stop fighting the world and are in the moment. It feels great.

I’m reflecting on my desire I be beautiful. I’m not. Not in the traditional sense. I crave to be desired. Wanted. Craved. What I wouldn’t give to be wrapped in someone’s arms and told how beautiful I am.

Yet, when I’m approached by men online who start out with “hey beautiful” I don’t respond. It’s a dichotomy. Hypocrisy really. I don’t want the first thing out of a mans mouth to be some weathered pick up line. I want to connect on a deeper level before I can believe they’re truly attracted to me. I want to be admired for who I am before what I look like.

Is it that I can’t be satisfied or I don’t know exactly what I need?

All I know is I wish I had a man right now holding g me and telling me how beautiful I am. But maybe it’s the alcohol talking.

There’s a thought

July 14, 2014

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At first I looked at this as just the question it was asking. Am I making the right choices kind of probe. But then I thought about it further. About how women view sex as something deeper and wondered if men do the same.

Too philosophical for Monday, but it has me thinking – both literal and abstractly.

Weekend warrior

July 13, 2014

I was feeling antsy today. I had to hang around the house waiting for a repair guy who was over a half hour late. I cut all my fruit and vegetables for the week, did the laundry – even folded most of it and cleaned up the kitchen.

When he finally finished, I was ready to get out of the house. I decided to go thrift shopping and a few things I need for an upcoming trip when I decided to take an impromptu walk in nature.

I went to a little place that wasn’t too far from the road and had a stream running down. It was peaceful, but secure. Since i haven’t been overly active in the last few years, I didn’t want to take on too much. I made myself a deal that I’d go only as far as I felt comfortable.

It was fun and rewarding. I’d go up the trail, stop to take photography, and decide if I wanted to go further. I went through brush, narrow trails, and up steep inclines. There were so many forks in the road that  I had to decide which way to go. More often than not I stayed on the main path. The last thing I needed was to get lost! There was a point where the brush was high and the branches low which I decided was a sign to end the adventure.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself as I drove home. Until I got out of the car. How one’s muscles could get that soar in a 20 minute span is unknown. I felt all of my middle age come crashing down on me! Uggh! A hot bath is in my near future!

As I sit here watching Orange is the New Black ( a friend recommended I give it a try), I realize that this is the first Saturday in a long time that I haven’t wanted to just take a nap and be lazy. Maybe this lifestyle change is making a difference after all. Of course, there’s still another day in the weekend. Hahah!

Fantasies

July 8, 2014

I’m feeling a bit frustrated. Sexually frustrated. Masturbation used to be so easy and now I struggle. Is it because I’m getting older? No. It’s because I put to much reality into my fantasies!

I’m going to be getting away soon and one of my longest standing fantasies is to be picked up in a bar, taken to my hotel room and ravished. Actually the location often changes – alley, car, park, closets, homes, etc.

I want to place an ad, meet up with someone to plan the details and then live out the fantasy – finally! But in my mind I keep coming up with things that get in the way. Like the people I will be with. They won’t let me leave with some stranger. They’ll be looking out for my best interest. Then how do I sneak him into the room? What if he is a serial killer. What if he doesn’t leave? What if he does leave?

Then I think about the ravishing. From the flirtation in the bar with the sexy whispers in my ear to the sexy talk in the act. I want someone to tell me I’m beautiful and sexy – and mean it! Then my mind makes him tell me he loves me. No stranger would say it and mean that.

Then I begin to imagine this while scenario with co-workers, people who know me and already have a basis of commeraderie. But then how do I get them past the people I’ll be with? How does someone familiar go unnoticed?

And all this analysis takes away the desire and I’m left a sweaty, unsatisfied mess. Grrr! How do you block out life to live in fantasy??

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