One of my strengths is being able to talk with people and empathize with their pain. It’s made me an ally to many a married man who are trying to find solace in what they feel is a loveless marriage.
In my amateur opinion, the two biggest issues that happen in a long-term relationship are disagreements on how to spend/save money and how to give the other person the love they deserve while feeling fulfilled yourself. It’s no easy task and it takes an extraordinary amount of communication and discovery. As long as both people are open to having a logical discussion about their differences, then most problems can be overcome. No, it’s not easy, but possible.
While reviewing Twitter today, I stumbled upon this blog about having a strong marriage later in life. NPR reports that people who have been married 40 years or more and are still intimate have a better success rate at holding off stress and health issues than those that have let intimacy disappear. The benefits of being sexually active into your golden years is now documented fact Hmmm…maybe I’m an amateur researcher as well.
Although this study focused on folks who have weathered 4 decades, I’d have to say from my experience this can happen at any stage of a relationship. Without intimacy – whether in the form of an orgasm or not – we tend to withdraw into ourselves which can lead to depression which can lead to other physical aliments. Mind, body, spirit work together in unity to create a stronger immunity against the day-to-day bullets coming at us from work, family, societal pressures, etc.
When I’m tense, I often think about what it would feel like to collapse into someone’s arms. To be vulnerable for a few moments. What it would feel like to have someone who would accept me when I’m at my most hypocritical and embrace me when I’m at my worst. The loneliness I’ve written about the past few days is a direct connection to the lack of intimacy I feel. The need for human touch is in our DNA.
It’s been a rough month with the kids and their dad. I’ve failed so many times. Because I’m a mom, I have to put on the strong face even while I have fear running through me. I have to show them unconditional love even while I worry about the direction they are headed. What it would be like to lie naked with another person – touching, caressing, being cared for and allowed to be weak. One day. Someday.
So my advice to those partnered couples – if you’re a year in, seven years, 28 years, or more into a relationship ,value what it means to have another person there beside you while you fight the battles. Go home tonight and give that person a hug – not a brief hug, but a hug that says “I know you. I love you. I am there for you.” And, if you have the chance, take tonight to make love to that person. Make love like they are the most important person in the world and you’d be lost without their touch. Because one day, you might not have the ability to give them that quality time.
I’m getting ready to go to another event stag.
Over the last five years since the divorce I’m doing a better job accepting that I show up as party of one. I can say I’ve successfully learned to go to movies alone, sit in a restaurant and eat a meal alone, go to the coffee shop and go shopping alone. I work out by myself – when I actually work out. I go to the library and occasionally attend church alone.
The biggest area for need for improvement is going to events and parties alone. I have committed to saying yes to invitations which means I am getting out of the house, and more importantly out of my head. But then I have to psych myself up to following through with plans. It’s extremely difficult for me to enter a dinner party where couples are gathered and be the single outcast. To enter work functions where spouses walk alongside my co-workers and I have my glass of wine to keep me company.
I know it all in my mind. Other single women I know have none of these issues. They’re confident in who they are and don’t see how having a partner in crime makes any difference.
Which makes me think of my craigslist experiment. I’d say it’s pretty much over. I had attempted to expand my net and put more men in my life. A man I might be able to invite to one of these functions I hate to attend on my own. No such luck.
As you could have predicted, almost all were married. No inviting them out in public. The few single stopped emailing when I made it clear I was serious I wasn’t looking for sex. There’s one person with whim I’m still conversing with. We’ve never exchanges pictures and never speak of sex. He really does just want an ear to listen to him.
Really it’s to be expected considering where I posted the ad. Folks looking on the site are interested in more sexual connections. I’m not upset at the results. I had hopes for something different so there’s a bit of disappointment, but overall it was good that I tried.
There’s no answer for loneliness. Changing your paradigm, looking at circumstances in new ways and placing value on different areas all helps, but it never truly makes it go away.
I can’t believe I’ve been blogging for three years. I have to say thank you to all those who have made this a rich, vibrant place to interact on an especially difficult subject. The topic of mistress isn’t an easy subject considering the moral implications and, for the most part, it has been received with respect even from those who disagree.
A friend of mine is experiencing heart break. We talk about what she wants from her next relationship. I think back to when I began this blog and the long list of things I wanted in a man. But over the time I’ve come to realize that there’s not so much a laundry list of demands to meet, but a handful that are at the core of being happy.
I’m not looking for a father for my children. They already have one, even though I wish I had given them a better one, he is involved and does what he can to show them love. I’m not looking for a bank account. Although God knows I’ve put some serious thought into finding myself a sugar daddy and what I’d do to have a padded savings. I’m not looking for a therapist or and educator.
What I want is a partner. In a true sense of partnership, I am looking for someone who will balance me and bring out the best in me while I do the same for him. It’s about loving each other for who we are, supporting each other in our efforts, and caring about each other’s passions.
I want to find a man who will change light bulbs I can’t reach, get me cold medicine when I’m sick, and buy groceries when I get stuck at work. I want to experiment with cooking and try new hobbies while we explore new ways to connect. I want to wake up next to a man who desires me more than some porn sight and wants to share in passion that makes porn stars envious.
Yes, I’ve grown since I began. Or maybe it’s more a clearer understanding of what fulfills me. I’m not at the end of the journey, but I feel I’m going in the right direction.
I have been having the most vivid dreams this past month. Memorable, powerful dreams that feel real and stay with you. Most have been about the kids – a lot of fear and confusion surround them in the dreams. I wake panicked. There’s no doubt these are echoing my real life.
I’m also having wild sex dreams that make me ache. Dreams of me having sex with Steve in his backseat, dungeons that are filled with sex clubs, naked Olympians on TV, and lots of penises – erect penises on every show I watch. They will be off camera and then slink into the shot like boom mics.
Maybe all this sexuality is because of my no-sex without emotions policy and the length of time since I’ve been with a man. Maybe beside my daughter is telling me some of her peers have decided to engage in sex at a very tender age of 15. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me to just give in and have some wild monkey sex already!
A friend and I had a conversation about one night stands. She says she doesn’t have the self esteem to just go have sex. I can’t fathom what she’s saying, but I reflect on her comment I guess I see her point. She says she would be constantly wondering what the other person thought if her body and performance. I see it the other way. When I feel the best about myself is when the freeness of uncommitted sex is attractive to me. It’s because my self esteem is so high that I can jump into bed with a stranger. That’s when I know I’ve got it going on and that other person is going to love what I have to give. It’s also when I am most creative and open to experimenting.
Not everyone sees that willingness to be promiscuous as a positive image. And there are draw backs to having multiple partners and non-intimate encounters. Emotional connections are essential to fulfillment and I’m committed to finding that in my life, but I don’t think ones self-esteem is necessarily tied to the desire or ability to jump in the sack.
I don’t know the answer. All I know is it’s almost spring and my innate desires are springing up like crocuses out of the dead winter earth.
My therapy appointment was really powerful this week. I had mentally prepared to talk about Steve. I had the white lies all ready. This would be a brave step towards understanding.
When we began though the conversation took a different turn. I talked about the positive steps I took regarding how I reacted to my ex. That I have been practicing “mark read” and letting go. I admitted that I was doing well not furthering the argument via email, but in my head I still wanted to win. Frustrated, I begged her for an answer.
She said because I’m a people pleaser. That resonated with me. Sure it’s similar to co-dependent which I hate to be labeled, but it’s different. There’s not the tone that I live or die based on another. People pleasing, to me, means in live or die by the validation they give me. A simple distinction but one that’s essential to my definition.
It explains what makes me such a good employee and great friend. It gives me the drive to be compassionate and the ability to empathize. It’s why I volunteer and why I’m involved with the community. I like to be liked! Think Sally Fields.
This, I believe, makes me a passionate lover and loyal partner. On flip side, it also is the reason I can slip too far into a relationship. Why it’s essential to argue my point and defend myself to some psychopathic ex.
As I reflected on this label, I was able to put some perspective around the end of my affair. One of my biggest struggles has been the en equaled the emotional connection was invalid. Maybe too black and white thinking, but that’s how I felt. I loved so deeply that if he could let me go so easily then there wasn’t any true feelings to begin with. Because I couldn’t please him enough to find the same love I had, it must have been imagination driven by hormones or something. Yes, yes, definitely flawed thinking.
I feel great relief to challenge my way of thinking. Whatever feelings Steve had for me were true, but that doesn’t have to equate to the same conclusion I had in mind. It lets me of the hook. I have never been angry with Steve and so I was angry with me. But there’s really no anger necessary. I didn’t do anything wrong and I did do all I could – at the end of the day, it wasn’t in the cards for an “us”. Yes I do still wonder what it could have been and I’m extraordinarily jealous of the mistresses that do end up with their MM. And those emotions are ok too.
It reminds me that I don’t have to go chasing after people who have chosen to leave or finds a different road. And it’s really, really ok that some people are just not going to like me.
The best Friday night ever! A wonderful, relaxing massage then dinner with the most handsome and powerful man Kevin Spacey. It’s times like these I don’t mind having my own schedule.
Thank you Groupon for the discounted coupon for something I’ve needed for a very long time. I was reading Creative Noodling’s blog about tantric massage and decided to indulge in a real massage. A tantric would have hit the spot, but it takes a lot of trust and I don’t want to go searching for some stranger. Comes back to the whole celibate until I have found the right man theory. The massage hit the spot. It was exactly what the doctor ordered with all the stress I’ve been going through with the ex. It does take my thoughts to Steve though. Good thoughts, but it reminds me of what I don’t have right now.
House of Cards is a well crafted show! Kevin Spacey is deliciously evil and the plot twists are incredibly plausible. The storyline is an obvious inflation of Washington politics with enough reality you could believe it’s happening in our society. It brings this convergence on me as I feel many things in this world have made me cynical.
Because of the choices I’ve made in life, I have a tendency to look at people in a different light. Where most people accept upstanding citizens at face value, I wonder about their dark secrets that keep them up at night. I’ve met a few people through my friends CL ad and have talked with many more through email. Only one of the married men who started this journey with me over a month ago is still talking and that’s because it’s the most asexcual conversations in the world. Truly, just companionship and a person who cares what he’s saying. No flirting or tension. Remarkably refreshing. I bring this up only to say there’s more married men – and women – who are out there seeking an affair than we might fully understand. I think about that scene in MIB when Tommy Lee Jones exposes Will Smith to the reality of aliens walking amongst us. Everywhere he looked, there was one.
At an event I was at recently honoring people who had made an impact in their lives and in their communities, I found myself thinking about what possible dark secrets they held.
When you meet me, talk with me, get to know me, you’d never know that I had a three year affair with a married man. If you met Steve you’d have even less of a clue he had that capability. It’s not that we, or anyone else who’s chosen an affair, are any way flawed. I believe we are more open to exploring options that day to day society doesn’t want exposed.
So what about these men? Do they have a younger woman waiting for them to finally free themselves from the constraints of life; to meet them in a back room hotel after this public event? Do they have strings of emails sharing parts of them they couldn’t otherwise share? Opening their souls to another for a moment to be vulnerable to human frailty which they normally have to hide in order to be the strong leaders they appear to be?
I’m sure I have a skewed sense of the world. Not everyone has a dual personality. Perhaps I’m just too cynical.
This meme sent me back 20 years to an intimate moment with a not-so-nice kind of guy. He was a true fuck buddy in every sense of the word. I felt no type of affection from him, simply a means to an end. This behavior of course drove me to overwhelm him with affection hoping it would turn his heart. It did not.
I really have no idea why we were even talking because I remember us being naked and our bodies entwined in the dark night. For what ever reason I made the statement that I was complicated. To which he immediately told me I wasn’t. In my mind’s memory I remember feeling shallow and small.
Somehow I equate complicated with sophistication. A mind at work, deep in thought and trying to solve the mysteries of the universe while being uncomplicated means I’m simply moving through life aka Slingblade. Ok, those are two extremes. But I’ve always wanted to attain a deeper meaning to my soul rather than a simplified version of the human species.
Although I might not be complicated myself, I surely do know how to make life complicated! Falling in love with a married man who told me from the beginning he wouldn’t leave his wife then mourning the loss of that married man. Ok, maybe that’s not the most perfect example. Maybe it’s more that I know how to make my life more difficult than it needs to be. Still not complicated like this sexy meme would suggest.
I’m just coming home after a 13 hour day. My work is far from strenuous. I have a desk job. Free to come and go as need be within reason. And the long hours involved free glasses of wine. Seriously, I have no room to complain. But in this vein of making my life more complicated than it needs to be, my mind is in a pitiful place. Another work function that I attend alone. Another opportunity to show off my aloneness and singlehood to the “world”. I feel exposed. Mind you, I’m NOT the only person alone at this event. Still, I feel it. The celebration talks about couples who have been together for nearly half a century and how their love is eternal. My heart aches.
Then to the emptiness of the house. I come home with a nice buzz, strip off my clothes as I enter the house. My aloneness echoes in the emptiness of the hallways. Lying naked on my bed desiring to have someone who is waiting for me and would desire me as much as I desire them and then to consummate that desire. Instead I wrap up in blankets and mourn the loss of every failed relationship.
Is it complicated? Or is it just simply the life I create for myself? All I know is it would be really nice for someone to tell me that I’m wonderfully complicated and join me in the puzzle.