I was about to respond to the question “how to forgive your husband’s mistress.” It’s the most searches term to find my blog. The post is pretty much written. But the universe stops me in my tracks.
I’m sitting across from a woman who’s in the chaos of learning her husband had an affair. An unexpected twist of fate. Not really though. A friend had asked me to talk with her because she knew I had trouble ping through my divorce. She has no idea of this life – the one each of you know intimately. The only reason I am here now is because I was outward in my pain ten and outward with my “peace” now. Seeing me in my normal life you’d make an assessment I’ve successfully transitioned.
But I digress. This woman who is working diligently to be strong, to act normal reveals her fear and fragility. She is forcing herself to trust again when the last thing she feels is trust. She’s fighting to keep her marriage and putting in the work with her husband. I can’t help to envy this man who has a woman so dedicated to him that she’ll put herself in such a difficult space to fight for him. I wonder how he is so lucky and why I couldn’t have had the same.
I listen. I console. I tell her she’s doing all the right things. The conversation is honest – it’s one person helping another through the uncertainty of relationship problems. I move the conversation from the infidelity to how to heal while in pain. I manage the flow easily to give the support asked of me while removing the topics which cut me.
Am I so disconnected from reality or so disassociated that I am able to get through this without feeling more guilt in my role as a mistress? I see the hurt in the woman, this woman who could easily be the wife of any one of the men I’ve had cyber affairs or physical affairs, and push away an responsibility I might feel having been on the other side of the bed.
Somehow I want to feel worse, or at least I think I should want to feel worse. I don’t. I see her as someone aching and hurting, who has reason to grieve and question – a broken-hearted woman like anyone else. That’s why I haven’t finished my other post. My lack of emotions seems strange. I know there will be people who condemn me. That’s ok. I know others will judge me. That’s fine. I’m giving myself a but of a pass on this one while I come to terms with what it means to me. In the meantime, wives I’m not asking for your forgiveness.
My blog stats have been blowing up which intrigued me since I haven’t been writing much as of late. Curiosity got to me and I decided to find out what folks are looking at. It seems my blogs featuring my sexual exploits continue to be of interest. There’s also some interest in the love I had with Steve.
I went back to read what I wrote. I had a twang of embarrassment as I read the words. The naivety is so apparent as I look back. I was completely in love. There’s no regret. It’s exactly where I was at the time and I won’t apologize for being 100% carried away. But seeing that person now compared with the way things turned out, I feel foolish for the hope I had for things to end up much happier.
It doesn’t help that my mind has been wrapped up in negative thoughts lately. Each way I try to reason with myself, I end up losing. I know it’s a temporary place and things will get easier. Writing eases the thoughts because they’re out of my head. Most of these things I can’t discuss with friends because – well, they just would be a bit judgmental about my choices. (much like my mind)
Here’s the circular logic that is spinning. I have a huge amount of work to do. Deadlines, expectations, and increasing pressure (mostly from myself) to exceed at everything. Luckily I have time to invest in long days at work and cross off a number of to-do items on the list. How fortunate I’m able to spend the hours putting into the projects I need to without demand from anyone that I get home, cook, clean, etc. No one needs me. And this is where the negative thoughts enter in. No one needs me. I could spend my entire life here and no one else would know or care that I wasn’t home or out with them. It’s a silly thing to be upset about considering how grateful I am for the time. But I am utterly solitary and it’s pissing the hell out of me.
I know that I’ll get over this feeling soon. I’ve had a chance to get back to the gym and work out which will help get me out of the bad mood. Although I invested in new shoes and my workout today was a bit shorter than normal. Life will get busy again with the kids back in the house. There is a few hours of quietness to push through and then life will be back to normal.
I’m not sure how it happened, but when I did my weigh in this morning I discovered I have lost a total of 30 pounds since starting this lifestyle change! Remarkable right?!
While I’ve noticed some clothes fitting loser and have been able to fit into smaller sizes here and there, I really haven’t seen that significant change I thought I would. It has come of slowly – painfully slow. And there’s still more to go. I hope to get 15 more pounds off to reach my ultimate goal. I heard an NPR story about body image and how people who are thin still have it locked in their mind that they’re over weight. No. That’s not my problem. I still am a very large woman, but as of today a few pounds lighter. All in good time right?
I’m trying not to discount the excitement I have for reaching this accomplishment. It’s a big deal! Maybe not to everyone, maybe not to most, but for me it is. So it’s ok that I’m not in super model clothes and I’m not having men at my feet because I feel a sense of accomplishment and it’s motivating me to continue onward. Well, except for when the alarm went off this morning. I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ll have to find time today after work before my next set of meetings tonight to fit in a workout. And if not, I’ll work on being self-forgiving.
It’s a beautiful utopia concept. I actually fell for it the first few times I saw it. Internally berating myself for not being in such loving relationship.
And then I thought about it. While this is the ideal, reality is quite different. There’s days that get busy, kids that need attention, aging parents taking their toll, work, community commitments….the list goes on. You can’t be at the top of your game in everything at once. There will be forgotten celebrations and careless words spattered. There’s going to be hurt feelings and mountains that go unmoved. At times you will want to here your sexy, not beautiful and others when only being cherished matters.
Am I to get the hell out every time I’m hurt by what appears to be unloving actions? The message now infuriates me as we make relationships so transactional and temporary based on momentary issues. Relationships take work. Please don’t patronize us women and make us think we have to have this unrealistic ideal to have a healthy and living relationship. Stop telling us that the prince will come and we’ll live happily ever after. There’s more to life than living under rainbows.
But yeah, at some point I would like a significant other to make it abundantly clear they’re crazy in love with me.
Oh. So you don’t want a conversation? What exactly are we doing here?
From a 21 year old whipper snapper. Apparently this is the new “what is your sign?”
Really? I’m gorgeous? And your email address will get my phone hacked. Why are you sending a stranger your email the very first introduction?
These 4 came in from last night to this morning. Did someone put my profile under “contact me if you’re crazy” section? I need to start using a pay sight or give up. Ugghh! I don’t want to give up hope. I believe in humanity!
The good news is I’m not desperate enough to answer any of these. I have a healthy self-esteem and don’t need to chase after these folks. I know I get these because I’m a larger woman and they feel I must be so sad and lonely I’d grab at anything. While I am sad and lonely, there’s no way I’m succumbing to feeble attempts to get laid.
Don’t get me wrong. I love sex. I enjoy the adrenaline rush if orgasms. If given the right circumstances, I will head down that road. Although I’d like to believe this time around I would try to build a foundation of friendship before dropping the panties, I can’t say for certainty if there was an opportunity with the right person that I wouldn’t be bedded.
This whole thing makes me laugh. It’s almost surreal. Yes, I’ll continue to search. I’ll continue to put myself out there in person and online and be amused by the ride I’m taking.
Blame it on the natural phenomenon or the fact that I’m working on sinus infection, but what ever the reason I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind jumped on the treadmill of worry and frustration and didn’t stop until I dreamt I was being pushed on by my son’s wrestling coach who made me pass out.
What was prominent last night was the flood of unsuccessful relationships I’ve managed to string together over my years of “dating”. On the runway was each of them – from the first to the last.
I beat myself up for the mistakes I’ve made and cannot undo. In each one I was the aggressor. That sounds more predator like, let’s just leave it at I was the one to initiate everything from the date to the physical activity. Perhaps it’s my lack of patience or the negative voices of my childhood pushing me towards the need for validation. More over though, now that I’m into my mid 40s, I really think it’s a higher than average sex drive. Something that has been used as a source of shame in the past. While 99% of the time I throw that shame out the window, last night it wouldn’t leave.
I wonder if my life would have been different if I didn’t try to make a gay man love me. Or would it have different if I didn’t pine for a man who has no sexual desire. Could I have made better choices not to have sex with random strangers I picked up at bars, clubs, and bases? Ok, that’s an obvious yes. Which leads me down the flow chart of missed opportunities and broken hearts. I know the sum of our experiences make us who we are in the present. Am I who I want to be?
The one area I pride myself on is compassion, understanding, and kindness. I put people at ease. I offered this as much as my body to each person (well, not the one night stands). There was some sort of friendship that came out of these (or enemies in the case of the ex). I valued what they could give me intellectually as much as physically. And I guess that’s why I fell in love so easily.
I remind myself that sex is not love. I repeat it over and over. Sex is not the sustaining manna I need to fight the daily battle. But I like sex. I love sex. I crave sex. Is it possible to have love and have sex – can I trust and be patient enough to find it? I believe I’m an intriguing, interesting, funny woman that has a lot more to offer, but my history has yet to demonstrate I’ve really drank that kool-aid.
As I laid in bed wishing to make the replay of my greatest mistakes stop, I thought about this blog. If you’ve followed me for long or read back at all, you know I’m brutally honest about who I am and the choices I’ve made. What happens if I find a legitimate partner – one who doesn’t believe my justifications for having a long-term affair with a married man? Do I hide part of myself? Open up and fear rejection and judgement? All I know is I’m so glad to have the blog and great people who listen and support. Thank you all!
Once morning came, I ordered the memories back into the subconscious. They didn’t listen. If anyone would like to take one home, please let me know. I’m done with my past!
I come to you today with a confession. I haven’t gone to work out all week. I know it’s only a few days, but I’m feeling guilty. Life has been stressful and busy. And as much as I know the exercise will do me good, I am not there mentally. The difference this time though, is I know it’s temporary. I’m practicing self-forgiveness. Well, I am right now, until I look at the scale again and the pounds continue to add up.
But the god’s honest truth is I’m exhausted. I’ve been pushing myself for four months straight. I’ve been disciplined and dedicated. I’ve been a full-time employee, manager, mom, problem-solver, friend, cook, nutritionist, entertainer, cleaner, accountant, friend, faith provider, faithful member of a congregation, teacher, moderator, writer, photographer, editor, project manager. An ex who continues to harass me and attack his kids. While I am successfully practicing ignoring the asshole, the words are still there – out there attacking me. I’ve spent so much time spinning the plates so they don’t fall that I’ve injured myself – not physically, but spiritually. Tonight I’m feeling fully broken and fully human – with all the failings that follow.
Tonight I really wish I had a partner to share the load. To listen to the frustration. To console the aching soul. But I don’t. I am the only one to keep it going and moving forward, so I have to stop pining for what could be and focus on what is.
I had things to do after work so I was going to work out this morning. I couldn’t push myself to get out of bed so I decided to work out tonight. When I came home, I fell sound asleep.
Listening to the radio today, these two songs played. Tonight I am going to love myself and tell the world all my secrets (uh…yeah). I encourage all of you to do the same. Accept yourself, your limitations, and your victories. Here’s to saying there’s a time for everything. And my time includes warm soup which I made this morning by getting up early to prep everything and put it in the crockpot before going to work where I did 4 different job functions plus supporting another department then going to be mom after work. So yeah. I’m done.