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Things I don’t think I’ll get used to

October 31, 2014

I’ve always been a huge fan of the phrase “fake it until you make it.” I think it reminds us to be patient while you are making changes or challenging yourself to new things. In most things, time solves everything. But there’s a few things that I don’t think I’ll ever get used to no matter how much time passes.

  1. Exercise. I still have to convince myself that it’s worth the changes I will see in my health. A fight really. I drive past my home to go to the gym and have to force myself to stay on the road and continue onward. Although I am starting to enjoy the endorphins after –  even with the tears.
  2. The smell of people grilling in their backyards when I come out from my workout – exhausted and hungry. It’s not fair that there’s hot meat just feet away and I cannot partake. Because it’s creepy to go into strangers backyards and ask for some steak.
  3. The lame sexual advances from the online dating community. There’s always a bit of hope when I see I have a message waiting for me – until I open the message. Somehow I still cannot keep that excitement from creeping up.
  4. Having to make my own dinner – and wait for it to cook – after a hard work out. It really would be so much easier to just grab McDonalds or Little Ceasars, but NO. So I come home to cut, dice, poach, and roast so I can eat. Maybe this one should be that I haven’t gotten used to eating well and planning ahead enough….
  5. How hurt my kids are by their father. It’s been a hard week for them. And me. They struggle with his narcissism. I ache and feel incredibly guilty for walking away from the marriage. I should have tried harder so I could be a better protection for them. Now the best I can do is give advice on how to counter his crazy and console them when they cry. It kills me when I hear them tell me their pain. It’s not what a mother is supposed to do.
  6. The personal and angry attacks by the ex. I know what he says is hollow and mean spirited because he’s insecure and weak, but I still cannot keep the words from hurting me. I segment them out of my daily thought. I rationalize and ignore. So why is it still so hard to hear the bullshit he spews? He clearly isn’t right or speaking true. Yet, it gets inside me and plays in my mind even when I don’t respond to him. I am a people pleaser which explains why I need everyone’s approval. I don’t think I can get used to someone ruining my reputation with lies he shares with anyone who listens.

Of course I continue to walk the path hoping one day the hike gets easier and full of laughter. Until then, you all get to hear me bitch. Love you!

 

I am loved

October 28, 2014

My high school boyfriend texted me today to tell me he’s been sober for over 5,000 days. Incredible right? I told him how proud I was and he asked me how I was doing. In a moment of weakness I told him that my lonely I was heading toward my milestone birthday. It’s this time of year that’s the worst on my psyche. I don’t know what spurred me to be so honest.

Since we first met, I’ve felt safe being vulnerable and honest with him. He was able to see past my insecurities and be open enough to accept my failures. I like to think I was able to do the same for him. Today, in a brief text exchange he was able to understand more than I expected and able to help me with perspective.

He said he believes we knew each other before we ever actually met. Maybe that explains the connection. He reminds me that I have to forgive myself to find true peace. He says he’s dreaming of the adventures we used to have when we were younger and commiserates about how old we’ll be and how much younger we both feel.

His faith is strong because of the trials he’s been through. I envy how strong he is now. When we were younger it was me telling him of God’s love and acceptance as he struggled with his own demons. I told him that there was a place for him in the faith community. Today, he was the reminding me that there are no failings in God’s eyes and that even though I couldn’t feel it, I was loved.

I cried as I read his texts. I am in a place that I feel incredibly unloved and unlovable right now. The pain seems unbearable sometimes as I sit alone in a quiet house.I’m in my head analyzing everything – from my past relationships to the humorous come on’s through internet dating. Wondering why I’m still stuck in this place. Thinking about the Indigo Girls song “Galileo” and wondering how long before my soul gets things right so I can move on from here.

My schedule has been so hectic as of late. I think the stress of it all has me crashing. I cried again after my work out. I was pushing myself today to clear my head and achieve a new level and I think that brought out the endorphin’s in the form of tears. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling this way. I feel hopeless. But come the new year all this will be behind me. It’s cyclical. And in the meantime, I will practice self-forgiveness and loving myself.

The wife

October 24, 2014

I was about to respond to the question “how to forgive your husband’s mistress.” It’s the most searches term to find my blog. The post is pretty much written. But the universe stops me in my tracks.

I’m sitting across from a woman who’s in the chaos of learning her husband had an affair. An unexpected twist of fate. Not really though. A friend had asked me to talk with her because she knew I had trouble ping through my divorce. She has no idea of this life – the one each of you know intimately. The only reason I am here now is because I was outward in my pain ten and outward with my “peace” now. Seeing me in my normal life you’d make an assessment I’ve successfully transitioned.

But I digress. This woman who is working diligently to be strong, to act normal reveals her fear and fragility. She is forcing herself to trust again when the last thing she feels is trust. She’s fighting to keep her marriage and putting in the work with her husband. I can’t help to envy this man who has a woman so dedicated to him that she’ll put herself in such a difficult space to fight for him. I wonder how he is so lucky and why I couldn’t have had the same.

I listen. I console. I tell her she’s doing all the right things. The conversation is honest – it’s one person helping another through the uncertainty of relationship problems. I move the conversation from the infidelity to how to heal while in pain. I manage the flow easily to give the support asked of me while removing the topics which cut me.

Am I so disconnected from reality or so disassociated that I am able to get through this without feeling more guilt in my role as a mistress? I see the hurt in the woman, this woman who could easily be the wife of any one of the men I’ve had cyber affairs or physical affairs, and push away an responsibility I might feel having been on the other side of the bed.

Somehow I want to feel worse, or at least I think I should want to feel worse. I don’t. I see her as someone aching and hurting, who has reason to grieve and question – a broken-hearted woman like anyone else. That’s why I haven’t finished my other post. My lack of emotions seems strange. I know there will be people who condemn me. That’s ok. I know others will judge me. That’s fine. I’m giving myself a but of a pass on this one while I come to terms with what it means to me. In the meantime, wives I’m not asking for your forgiveness.

Negative head space

October 19, 2014

My blog stats have been blowing up which intrigued me since I haven’t been writing  much as of late. Curiosity got to me and I decided to find out what folks are looking at. It seems my blogs featuring my sexual exploits continue to be of interest. There’s also some interest in the love I had with Steve.

I went back to read what I wrote. I had a twang of embarrassment as I read the words. The naivety is so apparent as I look back. I was completely in love. There’s no regret. It’s exactly where I was at the time and I won’t apologize for being 100% carried away. But seeing that person now compared with the way things turned out, I feel foolish for the hope I had for things to end up much happier.

It doesn’t help that my mind has been  wrapped up in negative thoughts lately. Each way I try to reason with myself, I end up losing. I know it’s a temporary place and things will get easier. Writing eases the thoughts because they’re out of my head. Most of these things I can’t discuss with friends because – well, they just would be a bit judgmental about my choices. (much like my mind)

Here’s the circular logic that is spinning. I have a huge amount of work to do. Deadlines, expectations, and increasing pressure (mostly from myself) to exceed at everything. Luckily I have time to invest in long days at work and cross off a number of to-do items on the list.  How fortunate I’m able to spend the hours putting into the projects I need to without demand from anyone that I get home, cook, clean, etc. No one needs me. And this is where the negative thoughts enter in. No one needs me. I could spend my entire life here and no one else would know or care that I wasn’t home or out with them. It’s a silly thing to be upset about considering how grateful I am for the time. But I am utterly solitary and it’s pissing the hell out of me.

I know that I’ll get over this feeling soon. I’ve had a chance to get back to the gym and work out which will help get me out of the bad mood. Although I invested in new shoes and my workout today was a bit shorter than normal. Life will get busy again with the kids back in the house. There is a few hours of quietness to push through and then life will be back to normal.

Today’s post brought to you by the number 30

October 14, 2014

I’m not sure how it happened, but when I did my weigh in this morning I discovered I have lost a total of 30 pounds since starting this lifestyle change! Remarkable right?!

While I’ve noticed some clothes fitting loser and have been able to fit into smaller sizes here and there, I really haven’t seen that significant change I thought I would. It has come of slowly – painfully slow. And there’s still more to go. I hope to get 15 more pounds off to reach my ultimate goal.  I heard an NPR story about body image and how people who are thin still have it locked in their mind that they’re over weight. No. That’s not my problem. I still am a very large woman, but as of today a few pounds lighter. All in good time right?

I’m trying not to discount the excitement I have for reaching this accomplishment. It’s a big deal! Maybe not to everyone, maybe not to most, but for me it is.  So it’s ok that I’m not in super model clothes and I’m not having men at my feet because I feel a sense of accomplishment and it’s motivating me to continue onward. Well, except for when the alarm went off this morning. I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ll have to find time today after work before my next set of meetings tonight to fit in a workout. And if not, I’ll work on being self-forgiving.

Advice from the internet

October 11, 2014

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This meme is making it’s rounds on the internet. A man explaining simply if he’s into then you won’t have to ask, you just know.

It’s a beautiful utopia concept. I actually fell for it the first few times I saw it. Internally berating myself for not being in such loving relationship.

And then I thought about it. While this is the ideal, reality is quite different. There’s days that get busy, kids that need attention, aging parents taking their toll, work, community commitments….the list goes on. You can’t be at the top of your game in everything at once. There will be forgotten celebrations and careless words spattered. There’s going to be hurt feelings and mountains that go unmoved. At times you will want to here your sexy, not beautiful and others when only being cherished matters.

Am I to get the hell out every time I’m hurt by what appears to be unloving actions? The message now infuriates me as we make relationships so transactional and temporary based on momentary issues. Relationships take work. Please don’t patronize us women and make us think we have to have this unrealistic ideal to have a healthy and living relationship. Stop telling us that the prince will come and we’ll live happily ever after. There’s more to life than living under rainbows.

But yeah, at some point I would like a significant other to make it abundantly clear they’re crazy in love with me.

The wonderful world of internet dating

October 10, 2014

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Oh. So you don’t want a conversation? What exactly are we doing here?

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From a 21 year old whipper snapper. Apparently this is the new “what is your sign?”

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Really? I’m gorgeous? And your email address will get my phone hacked. Why are you sending a stranger your email the very first introduction?

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This guy’s from Russia -until he realizes he has Russia on his profile and then decides he from California.

These 4 came in from last night to this morning. Did someone put my profile under “contact me if you’re crazy” section? I need to start using a pay sight or give up. Ugghh! I don’t want to give up hope. I believe in humanity!

The good news is I’m not desperate enough to answer any of these. I have a healthy self-esteem and don’t need to chase after these folks. I know I get these because I’m a larger woman and they feel I must be so sad and lonely I’d grab at anything. While I am sad and lonely, there’s no way I’m succumbing to feeble attempts to get laid.

Don’t get me wrong. I love sex. I enjoy the adrenaline rush if orgasms. If given the right circumstances, I will head down that road. Although I’d like to believe this time around I would try to build a foundation of friendship before dropping the panties, I can’t say for certainty if there was an opportunity with the right person that I wouldn’t be bedded.

This whole thing makes me laugh. It’s almost surreal. Yes, I’ll continue to search. I’ll continue to put myself out there in person and online and be amused by the ride I’m taking.

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