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Muscles and musings

August 23, 2014

 

I didn’t create this ecard, so I know for a fact I’m not the only one wishing to keep the attractive meat while whittling away at the unattractive. I am doing a lot of weight machines that focus on my chest to try to lift up the sagging flesh enough to attract the wandering eye of a passing stranger. Sadly, it hasn’t made much of a difference yet. But there’s still hope.

Exercising this late in life after being fairly sedentary has brought about it’s own set of issues. Muscles ache, feet hurt, back seizes up…all in the name of health? Seems I felt much better before! Haha. I decided that I needed a massage and scheduled one at a local school to save myself some money. Just in time too! I woke up in the middle of the night with so much pain in my back I was struggling to get a deep breath.

After my shower I decided to try an adhesive heating pad. It wasn’t exactly made for the mid-back and it was incredibly hard to reach (why I need a mate hanging around the house!) but it did seem to help. I also did some yoga stretches to see if I could release any tension. Between that and the ibuprofen, I was able to make it to the gym this afternoon promising to take it easy and assuring myself the massage would do the trick. And it did help – a bit of soreness there but light years better than before.

I want to do a couples massage so badly. While I waited to go back to get my muscles beat upon there were two couples waiting and another that was coming out. It feels so romantic and intimate. I was jealous of how connected they were. Of course, in my mind after the massage comes some freaky,passionate sex. So, maybe I’m just needing a good one-on-one massage! Right now would be the perfect time too – I smell delicious and am somewhat flexible!

 

 

Bummer

August 22, 2014

I went out to dinner with a friend of mine tonight and am feeling a bit down from the interaction. My ego is bruised.

For the past month or so people I work with and friends who know I’m trying to become healthy have been very encouraging telling me they see a difference in my appearance. Although I don’t see dramatic changes, my clothes are fitting better and I think I’m a little thinner in my face. I’ve been cautious about accepting their compliments too closely and tonight just made me realize they have all been entirely too kind.

I haven’t seen this friend in a month. She is aware of my attempts at a healthier lifestyle, but can be so self-absorbed she forgets what I last told her. She sat down at dinner and exclaimed she’s lost 5 pounds. Glowing. Excited. I compliment her hoping she might have noticed a change in me. After she goes on for about 10 minutes in what a great change she’s made, I told her I’ve lost 20 pounds (that’s a lot right?!) and she just says “oh”. Obviously she’s not seeing a difference in me. She almost seems skeptical.

At this point I think I’ll see if Phen Phen is still on the market! I am working on the changes to be sure I get better on the inside – lower the numbers that need to be low and raise the numbers that need to be raised – work on extending my life and strengthen my body for the second half of my life, so I don’t know why this knocked me for a loop. I guess I really did want to believe the compliments people were giving me instead of acknowledging this was their way of supporting my efforts.

Oh well. Just a small amount of confidence lost. It might keep me from getting up at dawn to go exercise tomorrow. Unless I remind myself that this isn’t about my outward appearance. I am who I am and that’s ok. At least I’m not horny any more thinking I have something to give a man…..grrrrr

In sickness and in health

August 20, 2014

For a large majority of the population marriage holds security that when they need help, they’ll have someone there. We’ve seen the news stories in which a spouse stays at the side of a dying mate through the most stressful of circumstances. Ideally, that’s one of the purposes of a committed monogamous relationship.

This is brought to mind as I mentally scan my aging body. It betrays me in my middle-agedness and especially now that I’m trying to get into shape. More and more I feel the aches of muscles I didn’t even know I had. Knees need to be replaced, eyes need to be fixed, doctor appointments need to be made. I feel insecure of what my future holds and how to manage all the needs that well up in my head.

Thinking about having to make arrangements to have people pick me up, take me where I need to go, help me fill my prescriptions, etc. I have to put together an army of people willing to give an hour or two of their time to take care of me. Do you know how vulnerable that makes me feel?! Arggh

I continue to work on preventative measures for the ales I know of today. But what about tomorrow?  What about the things I can’t predict. Emergency contacts. Who will answer the phone, much less respond, if there is a complication at an ordinary appointment. If I lose a contact and need a ride home?

This is the ridiculous that runs through my head on a regular basis. I get trapped in the darkness rather than see the empowerment in the light. I am in love with the idea of not needing  anyone. The truth is though, we all need someone in our life who will bail us out of jail, help us laugh when the tears are falling, and bring us soup when we don’t want to get out of bed.

Maybe there’s something to be said for communal living!

 

Want!

August 19, 2014

This is the best description of masturbation ever: “self love”. I want this product to love myself tonight. Please internet gods of the world, provide me this pleasure toy! I promise I’ll only use it for good. I’ll even do a product review for you – sorry, no visuals.

By the way, the product review was on Techcrunch which I follow on Twitter at work! I had to close my door to investigate this further. Earbuds firmly in place. I felt kinda dirty, but also kinda sexy.

Since my sex life is lacking, I have to take things into my own hands!

Pandora

August 19, 2014

Today Pandora gave me several versions of this song. It’s on my top 5 of all time songs. I get lost in a day dream of just once having someone soulfully loving me – being proud to have me on their arm. The song brings up my loneliness and sadness. His lyrics are so touching and beautiful. He sings of love with such loveliness. Ahhh….

 

Seven for seven

August 18, 2014

I can’t believe my schedule allowed, but I made it to the gym every day this week. Today was difficult because I wanted to be lazy, but I was anxious for some reason and decided to hit the treadmill. It made me extremely happy that football was playing when I got there! Unknown rewards huh?

I’m still doing the interval training.Five of the 7 days I did intense workouts on the elliptical and then the other two I just did the treadmill. I don’t think I get as much of a heart rate increase when walking, but my arse is sore from the elliptical and needed a break! So far I’m not seeing incredible results, but it’s still early in the new routine. I’m also having trouble with pain in my heel which keeps me from continual high intensity.

When I finished, I decided to go shopping. I was confident that there would be some size change in my wardrobe. It wasn’t where I had hoped. As you women know every clothing item, though sized with the same number, fits completely different. The first few items I tried on in the lower size didn’t fit. Tears welled up. A few more items that I tried on started to fit and then a couple looked good.

I found a dress for an upcoming work event that I think will be alright. Although the event is only a couple weeks away, so I have to stay with the routine! The dress is two sizes smaller than most hanging in my closet. It’s a little uneasy for me because this hugs the curves more than anything I normally wear. I’ll have to make a decision closer to the event, but it did perk me up a bit.

Five years ago when I began to lose weight, I took some boudoir picks for my husband.  As I looked over the bra and panty sets at the store I day dreamed of having someone to show off to again. I don’t think I’m at the point to do that again though because I still don’t think my naked body is that attractive. Although doing something like that would boost my self-esteem, I don’t think it would give me the long-term boost I am hoping for.

What do you think is the tie between getting in shape and increased sexuality? Is it the confidence that comes from trimming up? Or is it because you have more energy you want to put it to fun use?  All I know is my sex drive is getting higher the longer I abstain and the longer I work on changing my lifestyle. Heaven help me if I ever get a naked man between the sheets!

Adventures of online dating – chapter 1

August 10, 2014

This morning as I lay in bed trying to motivate myself to actually get into the shower, I thought about a trip I took with Steve. I remember how excited he was to pick me up when I arrived and how excited he was to come back to his hotel room with me waiting. And all the copious sex we had that weekend. He made me feel wanted, desired. I miss being craved.

My recent weight loss success has given me some confidence to tackle my ego and send some messages to men on the dating sites. I’ve been struggling because I want another to find me attractive enough to reach out to, but that isn’t happening.

As the algorithms have it, the more I’m online sending messages I become higher on the search function. This brings out the trolls looking for easy sex. They always start with the same message: “Hey (baby, mamma, sexy, gorgeous) whatcha you up to?”  They’re pitiful pick up lines that wouldn’t even work in person. Most of the time I just ignore the messages and move on. Sometimes I politely decline. They’re always very short interactions.

One of the men I contacted caught me off guard. He made a funny comment about never knowing the type of people contacting him. He joked maybe they were strangers trying to solicit him for sex or money. I responded in what I thought was a light-hearted manner saying I wasn’t looking for sex, but I wouldn’t mind money. Then things went weird.

He responded saying he was looking for a long term relationship that would include sex. I tried to explain I was being humorous. He responded saying that he saw my status was “interested in dating, but nothing serious” and he was all about finding a relationship. I felt suffocated. It was a strange reaction to a simple conversation. Something about his determination to make a permanent relationship so quickly made me squirm.

Readers, you know I want a relationship. But, I don’t want a relationship within minutes of meeting someone. It has to develop and grow organically if there’s any chance at success. I can’t state from the first meeting that he’ll be my one and only until we have some time together. For a little while I questioned if I was ready for healthy relationship. Maybe I am just looking to have fun and hoping to stumble into something more deep. I don’t know really. I don’t think I will until I finally go out on a date.

There’s one more guy I’m talking with, but (surprise) I am not won over yet. He’s studying philosophy (yes he’s middle aged) and his hobby is shooting. It feels a little weird. Like someone who’s got a chip on his shoulder and is looking to heal some wounds. Most likely not. I’m over analyzing everything which I believe is my stall tactic. It’s time for me to grow a pair and take a chance. Although, I have to keep a conversation going for more than three exchanges!

 

 

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