Ok, well not sugarplums. He’s in my subconscious again. Steve. He’s Ibeen visiting my dreams in very bizarre ways, but they all say the same thing.
One night I’m having a wonderfully hot sex dream of him. We’re naked and passionate. I slide down his body to start sucking his cock and he jumps up and exclaims “Let’s make a giant bowl of oatmeal!”. We go into the kitchen to make the oatmeal and there’s a sulky teenage kid from church there. We make him some and the dream ends. I awake frustrated and hungry.
Last night I dreamt I was sitting in his car. I watch him leave his house, say goodbye to his wife and we drive off. We need to get gas and he tells me he is going to get some premium gas at one station then cut it with some lower grade at another gas station. (His thriftiness was always so attractive to me – seriously, I’m not even joking.) He tells me he doesn’t have enough money for drinks this time. Apparently we usually get drinks – the non-alcoholic kind – when we go out. Who knew? Suddenly we’re back at my house. It’s a mess. A terrible and horrible mess. I keep apologizing. Out of no where my family is in the room with us. They immediately like Steve and we all sit down to watch t.v. Although Steve and I are cuddling in the middle of the room. I ask him to go out with me so we can get it on. I’m horny as hell. He says no. I keep begging. He tells me no, he has to go. He kisses my forehead and walks out the door.
Obviously the universe is telling me something. I haven’t been spending time during the day thinking about him, but somewhere I’m still holding on. I need to let go. It makes me sad. I know it’s what he wants and it’s what is best. Such strange and outrageous dreams seem to be the only way to get through to me.
Most people crave routine. Knowing a situation so well they don’t have surprises throw them curve balls or pit holes they have to navigate through. I’d venture to guess, most people find splice in predictable situations.
And I guess I’d say there’s a certain stress-free feeling that gives you a sense of security. Today I am going to declare my destain for predictability. I’m by no means wishing for a catastrophe. I don’t want a crisis to come along that I have to scramble to fix. I definitely don’t want my car to break down, my kids to fall ill, or my home to spring a leak. What I’m asking for is for people to be different.
I grow tired of knowing each time I approach the ex with something, his first reaction is no – and beyond no, making everything twice as complicated. I’m done with knowing how my family will act and react towards various situations. That no matter ones accomplishments, if they’re not a size 0, their weight will be the most discussed subject. That race will always be to blamed on a victim’s situation. That they’ll blame the ex for everything they don’t like about my kids – and will alienate my kids because of their hatred for my ex. That they’ll always view me as less competent than my siblings and tell me how I don’t have the skills, aptitude, or fortitude to be anything more than that pre-set image they have of me.
I’m over putting my hopes out to the universe only to see them crushed. To believe so much in myself and only to be told the answer is ‘not so much”.
Perhaps I need some sun. Perhaps an attitude adjustment. Perhaps just starting my own grass-roots activism groups to over turn societal limitations.
I’m feeling the need for change. I want to cut my hair short. Change the clothes I wear. I want to be different. To be new. It’s a mid-life crisis, except it’s an on-going 20 year mid-life crisis.
This feeling of wanting new and different is familiar. I’ve come to realize that these feelings are increased when I feel anxious about the world around me. I know I’m loved by friends and family, but I am no where that I want to be at this late phase of my life. All the pressure comes from the need for more income and more security. I benchmark where I think I should be in comparison to those around me. And it is in those comparisons that raise the anxiety level to potential-bad-idea-impulsive stage.
Luckily my lack of funds keep me from being too impulsive and my lack of motivation takes away anything left over. Yet inside I still feel so unsatisfied.
It’s the time of year we give and commercialism is rampant. Everything from luxury cars to the newest electronics are peddled mercilessly everywhere you look. My internal dissatisfaction is validated by the lack of things filling my life. I can’t blame it all on advertising. If I felt better about my life, their marketing would fall upon deaf ears.
So what is really driving this dissatisfaction? Impatience. I was reading a story about a woman who had been unemployed and she now works with groups to teach them it can take up to 3-4 years to get back on your feet after being re-employed. And that’s it. I have this mental image of where I should be because now my life is moving in the right direction. But it takes awhile to get back to normal. Especially with the financial situation I was left with after the divorce. I need to think about how far I’ve come and allow me the time to get back to normal before even considering moving ahead. It’s just taking so much longer than I’d like. I’m in a cycle.
All I can think about is finding one person who believes in me enough to co-sign on a loan which will start improving my credit. My family gives me all the extra they have and I could never ask them to do more. Plus, I don’t know that even then I could get a loan enough to make a difference. But it feels like I’m one lucky break from really getting life together again. Just one. As much as I pray, it seems the answer is no. And the frustration of being told no along with learning to be patient is driving me to wanting significant change.
I guess until I can figure out how to change my expectations and pre-defined successes, I’ll just go dancing in the dark.
Many people are coming to the blog under the search “how to end an affair”. I thought I should write to the topic, but I am by no means an expert. In fact, if Steve hadn’t ended it, I’d still be in an affair. I know the critics will have a field day with the truth and all the implications of the statement.
I guess what I can write about is the end of a relationship with the added benefit of a knowing the uncomfortable feelings of a mistress. And maybe give some perspective to those who might be considering ending an affair.
When you’re in a relationship you know better than anyone else what you’re intimately feeling towards the other person. Are you hiding feelings, holding back doubt, avoiding confrontation? Do you feel fulfilled? Partnerships are a living, breathing animal. There’s highs and lows; giving and taking. I’ve found in my limited experience there are times when things feel extremely disconnected and times where soul mate doesn’t describe the depth of connectivity. Sometimes you can be passive while others you need to dig in and work.
Spend some time deep in thought with yourself and you’ll know if it’s time to end an affair. Most mistresses who have the strength to cut the tie, I believe, come to an understanding they want more – and more importantly that they deserve more. For myself, I kept waiting for the right guy to come along so I felt justified in leaving Steve. To be honest, I think he held on longer than he intended hoping I’d find someone else too. It would ease any feelings of guilt for the affair going on so long and be an easier transition for everyone. But, as fate would have it, no one came a knocking on my door and so he had to rip the bandaid off.
To end a long-term affair, you have to accept the premises you put in place – the blinders you put so as to continue this type of relationship are flawed. It takes thick skin to address the disconnect between the intense feelings you have vs. the reality of the relationship. For example, the reason you two are together may be because something is missing at home for one or both of you. While the affair is strong you can provide the missing link for each other. Over time it’s hard to maintain that middle ground. Some people are perfectly capable of distinguishing between life and non-life and are able to cease before the lines get blurred. Others, like myself, keep those blinders on and justify why things aren’t perfect and even go so far as to offer excuses.
I can tell you, from looking back, the number of excuses I used. Everything from “well when we’re together it’s so right” to “no available man is interested anyway”. How many times I wanted more. How many times I wanted to be that special person to someone. So in those moments of attention, my desires were fulfilled. And in the moments of distance my insecurities ate away at me.
Had I listened to myself, I would have seen how things were not as right as I portrayed. It hurts. I’m embarrassed by how often I allowed myself to wonder into dreams of us together. I didn’t hear – I didn’t want to hear the ways Steve told me I was not a priority. There was no way I could be and there’s no other way to look at the situation. Again, hindsight gives me insight. Time and time again, in multiple ways he tried to tell me it had to end and I wouldn’t accept it. So any hurt I have is on me.
I loved the time I had with Steve and have great memories to reflect upon. I felt the rush of passion and love. I laughed. He bolstered my confidence and had more faith in me than my own family. I still love him and probably always will. I am fortunate because I don’t feel manipulated or “played”. We found ourselves at the wrong points of our lives.
My sage advice to mistresses is don’t play the blame game to end the relationship. Look at it like any other break-up, it isn’t working and won’t be a long-term fit. It’s ok to say you’re ready for more. When you try to speak words or explain your lover’s actions instead of accepting the time has come for a change, then I think you’re only making the wounds deeper.
Of course it’s easy fore to wax poetic. I’ve gone through the grief. I hope each person is able to fun their own path and their own way towards resolution.
As with all good decisions, I’ve decided to make major life changes without thinking through to the end. Most of my decisions are made this way. I put it off and put it off then snap – it’s done.
So really nothing has changed for the short term, but there’s potential for long-term change. I’ve started applying for jobs outside the state. The income potential is extraordinarily different than my current state and it would make a significant change in me professionally.
When I married, I put my career desires on the back burner to support my husbands pursuits. I allowed him to take chances and risks to further his opportunities and took jobs less than I deserved to allow him to grow. That put me at a huge disadvantage when I decided to divorce. Our state doesn’t value women and continues to underpay for equal work.
In recent days through a series of events, it’s been made clear the kids would be fine without me. I’d fight like hell to keep them with me, but if I ultimately lose then that’s the breaks.
People tell you to find passion and that will be your career. All my life all I wanted was to be a mom. Time after time that’s taken away from me. I’m so fantastic at lying to myself, I believed I could create a bond with my children. But just like any relationship I’ve tried to maintain, I convince myself I’m more important than I actually am. They have a whole family unit now, there’s no one keeping me here, so it’s time to look out for my future – whatever that looks like.
Of course I actually have to have a job offer for any real change to happen. For now I continue the fight.
Last night I went out with friends to just relax and distract myself from life. The new approach to life – be active. It was a nice time but also very soul-crushing.
I have a tendency to walk through life with blinders in. I re-write the story to put a more positive spin on what is happening. I’m delusional. You probably have guessed that by now.
A friend with whom I’ve gone out with a couple times made an off-handed comment. He said I and another person in our group should start an exercise class together. He said it a couple different ways over the next few minutes. I laugh it off. I’ve learned to laugh when I get hurt because god forbid I call someone on their insulting bs.
It kills me that no matter how kind, compassionate, supportive, loving, or generous I am – it all comes back to how I look. I am ok with who I am. I am a a bucket of awesome sauce and an incredible person. I have a lot to give to people. I care. Yet other people struggle with how I look.
It’s their problem you know. I know. Their problems get in the way of knowing me. That’s their loss. It still eats at me. I was going to stop at a bar on the way home. I was thinking about breaking my change and looking dr meaningless sex. I didn’t. I didn’t want to deal with the empty feeling after. I didn’t want to feel the rejection which had been so easily pointed out to me earlier in the night. If I couldn’t even get a one night stand that would destroy me.
So I’ve decided to pull myself off dating sites. Work on me and figure out what I want in life. I’m obviously spending too much time trying to get together with someone else. I am changing my expectations for the future. Simply siad, if I meet the right person it will happen, if not the I am still that same great person.
It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at the search terms that bring people to my blog. I was surprised to find one of the biggest terms was “wife eats mistress pussy” because I don’t remember ever writing about that subject. Granted the term mistress will get people here no matter to what extent they’re looking for information. Sex is another term that boosts my searchability. But come on, who doesn’t love sex?
There are a few fighting topics popping up. “Praying for my husbands mistress” vs. “I made my husband call his mistress in front of me.” Those are two different approaches eh? The 2nd sounds like a god awful bitch. If you know your spouse is cheating, confront and deal with it directly. Asking him to call her is trying to fuel your bitterness and you only hope to bolster your fucking high horse. It’s abusive. Seriously, if you’d even consider humiliating your husband like this you might want to start assessing how your behavior has impacted your marriage.
We have a lot of people looking to find out how to forgive the mistress and a few wanting to know how to punish the mistress. Some wanting to learn how to ask their mistress to get involved with their wife and some wondering how to end an affair. It’s making me wonder if there’s any moderates out there or if it just and extremist society.
I’d like to get back to writing about sex. I miss the high that came from the passion. I’m tired of buying batteries and crafting fantasies. This notion I should wait for the right person to date is bullshit.
I’m a gregarious, funny, awesome person but the only way I can get someone to see me is by showing the cleavage and spreading my legs. Yeah, yeah, it’s just temporary. But god how much easier it is.
Now, what was I saying about changing behaviors?? Hahah! Sorry it’s just a rant today.