I am spending Labor Day weekend purging my closets and cleaning the house. It’s needed to be done for a long so it’s nice to have some time to work done.
I began on my undergarments. There’s bras that no longer fit and panties that are too worn. Then I decided to try on some teddies that have sat in the back of closet gathering dust. The leopard print is now too big. The cups stick out and the flesh doesn’t fill them right. The blue one is alright, but it doesn’t feel comfortable as it opens below the ribbon. My stomach isn’t my strong suit so I think I’ll get rid of that one too. The two red ones are fitting pretty nicely. Better than when I bought them. I feel sexy. I’ve missed feeling sexy.
Last night I had a wonderfully erotic dream. Bizarre too. I was angry because it was Holy Saturday and I had forgotten to get the kids Easter baskets. Then I was in the tad of neighbors who invited me in for a three way. I was in the midst of touching and caressing. Manly muscles all around me. Then when I went to give head, his cock was a bunch of M&Ms.
Weird right. I woke up horny as hell. I grabbed the vibrator and tried to get off. I did, but Christ it took a long time and was less than thrilling.
Now feeling sexy, I wish I had a man. Dang.
I’ve had more obstacles in getting healthy than I expected. I realized that it would be hard work and have to make some sacrifices, but gemni I’m done!
My heel is not getting any better and I actually didn’t go work out yesterday because it was just too much. After another morning of aches, I decided to google what the heck is going on. Some searching found Plantar Fascitits. It accurately describes the pain so it gives me hope that it can be cured.
The suggestions from the research suggested buying some arch support, use some tape to hold the muscles and change over to exercise that is less hard on the feet. So today I did the stationary bike. It didn’t feel like as an intense workout, but my feet didn’t hurt as much after. Perhaps I need to make this change for a little while.
As you know, I began this healthy kick because some of my blood tests came back concerning. Finally I made the decision to make the necessary changes. I’ve been waiting on some follow up results and becoming anxious about what it all means. It’s gotten in my head. Failing at the lifestyle changes is not an option for me so I’m hyper anxious wanting to know things will be alright.
Of course, if this were a typical situation, no one would be so over-the-top concerned with a little high numbers. When the doctor’s office finally called back, they were quite understated and unhelpful in their response. I broke down my worries and have an appointment to see the doctor next week. But, I’m left feeling sheepish for being emotional about everything that’s happening. I’m angry they would put me in a place that I had to defend my concerns and feeling foolish for being so concerned.
Driving home yesterday, I tried to better understand things happening in my mind. Much of the issues are everyday occurrences which millions of people deal with everyday including my siblings. They didn’t make a dramatic issue of it.
Then I thought about the driving factor to be healthy – to live – for a long time. To be with my kids, watch them grow and become young adults. Watch them become their own person and take on their own set of challenges and successes. It is thinking about them without me which causes extreme strain on my mind. I remember the grief of losing a parent and want to do everything I can to help them avoid that pain – at least for anytime in the future.
Strangely, it’s if I’m grieving all over again. Dredging up the pain that I thought had long ago healed. The answers I’m seeking aren’t so much for me, but for what I’ve lost. That probably doesn’t make sense anywhere but in my own head. It does help me understand why I have become so obsessed and wound up to get answers. I don’t want guesses or maybes. I want certainty.
I guess that’s the case with all things in life isn’t it?
I didn’t create this ecard, so I know for a fact I’m not the only one wishing to keep the attractive meat while whittling away at the unattractive. I am doing a lot of weight machines that focus on my chest to try to lift up the sagging flesh enough to attract the wandering eye of a passing stranger. Sadly, it hasn’t made much of a difference yet. But there’s still hope.
Exercising this late in life after being fairly sedentary has brought about it’s own set of issues. Muscles ache, feet hurt, back seizes up…all in the name of health? Seems I felt much better before! Haha. I decided that I needed a massage and scheduled one at a local school to save myself some money. Just in time too! I woke up in the middle of the night with so much pain in my back I was struggling to get a deep breath.
After my shower I decided to try an adhesive heating pad. It wasn’t exactly made for the mid-back and it was incredibly hard to reach (why I need a mate hanging around the house!) but it did seem to help. I also did some yoga stretches to see if I could release any tension. Between that and the ibuprofen, I was able to make it to the gym this afternoon promising to take it easy and assuring myself the massage would do the trick. And it did help – a bit of soreness there but light years better than before.
I want to do a couples massage so badly. While I waited to go back to get my muscles beat upon there were two couples waiting and another that was coming out. It feels so romantic and intimate. I was jealous of how connected they were. Of course, in my mind after the massage comes some freaky,passionate sex. So, maybe I’m just needing a good one-on-one massage! Right now would be the perfect time too – I smell delicious and am somewhat flexible!
I went out to dinner with a friend of mine tonight and am feeling a bit down from the interaction. My ego is bruised.
For the past month or so people I work with and friends who know I’m trying to become healthy have been very encouraging telling me they see a difference in my appearance. Although I don’t see dramatic changes, my clothes are fitting better and I think I’m a little thinner in my face. I’ve been cautious about accepting their compliments too closely and tonight just made me realize they have all been entirely too kind.
I haven’t seen this friend in a month. She is aware of my attempts at a healthier lifestyle, but can be so self-absorbed she forgets what I last told her. She sat down at dinner and exclaimed she’s lost 5 pounds. Glowing. Excited. I compliment her hoping she might have noticed a change in me. After she goes on for about 10 minutes in what a great change she’s made, I told her I’ve lost 20 pounds (that’s a lot right?!) and she just says “oh”. Obviously she’s not seeing a difference in me. She almost seems skeptical.
At this point I think I’ll see if Phen Phen is still on the market! I am working on the changes to be sure I get better on the inside – lower the numbers that need to be low and raise the numbers that need to be raised – work on extending my life and strengthen my body for the second half of my life, so I don’t know why this knocked me for a loop. I guess I really did want to believe the compliments people were giving me instead of acknowledging this was their way of supporting my efforts.
Oh well. Just a small amount of confidence lost. It might keep me from getting up at dawn to go exercise tomorrow. Unless I remind myself that this isn’t about my outward appearance. I am who I am and that’s ok. At least I’m not horny any more thinking I have something to give a man…..grrrrr
For a large majority of the population marriage holds security that when they need help, they’ll have someone there. We’ve seen the news stories in which a spouse stays at the side of a dying mate through the most stressful of circumstances. Ideally, that’s one of the purposes of a committed monogamous relationship.
This is brought to mind as I mentally scan my aging body. It betrays me in my middle-agedness and especially now that I’m trying to get into shape. More and more I feel the aches of muscles I didn’t even know I had. Knees need to be replaced, eyes need to be fixed, doctor appointments need to be made. I feel insecure of what my future holds and how to manage all the needs that well up in my head.
Thinking about having to make arrangements to have people pick me up, take me where I need to go, help me fill my prescriptions, etc. I have to put together an army of people willing to give an hour or two of their time to take care of me. Do you know how vulnerable that makes me feel?! Arggh
I continue to work on preventative measures for the ales I know of today. But what about tomorrow? What about the things I can’t predict. Emergency contacts. Who will answer the phone, much less respond, if there is a complication at an ordinary appointment. If I lose a contact and need a ride home?
This is the ridiculous that runs through my head on a regular basis. I get trapped in the darkness rather than see the empowerment in the light. I am in love with the idea of not needing anyone. The truth is though, we all need someone in our life who will bail us out of jail, help us laugh when the tears are falling, and bring us soup when we don’t want to get out of bed.
Maybe there’s something to be said for communal living!
This is the best description of masturbation ever: “self love”. I want this product to love myself tonight. Please internet gods of the world, provide me this pleasure toy! I promise I’ll only use it for good. I’ll even do a product review for you – sorry, no visuals.
By the way, the product review was on Techcrunch which I follow on Twitter at work! I had to close my door to investigate this further. Earbuds firmly in place. I felt kinda dirty, but also kinda sexy.
Since my sex life is lacking, I have to take things into my own hands!
Today Pandora gave me several versions of this song. It’s on my top 5 of all time songs. I get lost in a day dream of just once having someone soulfully loving me – being proud to have me on their arm. The song brings up my loneliness and sadness. His lyrics are so touching and beautiful. He sings of love with such loveliness. Ahhh….