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Can we spend the night together?

May 17, 2011

An email from my lover tells me that there might be a time in the near future in which we can have extended time together. His family will be heading out-of-town for a brief time. Now please look at that in bold….extended time.

Automatically I jump to the “OMG we get to spend the night together!” After all that phrase combined with an empty house, right? I go into instant panic mode. I haven’t spent the night with someone for what could be forever. Specifically because of my choices to be with married men. We have our fun, kiss goodbye and then go our separate ways. 

So why am I panicking? One – I have the bed to myself. I sleep crazy. I move from one side to the other, roll around and wrap the blankets around myself like a burrito. Kick, wiggle, move…. now how am I supposed to host someone in my bed overnight? They’ll run out screaming they need sleep!

Second, and really most concerning, this is what I’ve wanted. Remember a few posts ago how I was complaining that we’ve never spent a night together? Because the line between sex and love is being blurred. I’m putting a lot of weight on being able to have a night together because it would validate these emotions. Does it really mean that much to be able to go to sleep and wake up with him though? Isn’t it just another opportunity to have more sex? It’s sleeping and I’m making it into this grand gesture of undying passion.

Then I stop and think. How can he spend the night with me? There’s a good chance his wife would call him at home, check in with him – expect he would be there. Does that mean I would spend the night at his house? No – then there’s stray hairs and perfumes to worry about. Neighbors discovering me there. In all of reality there’s no way we could spend the night in each other’s arms.

I go back to read his email, day dreaming of what I want, when I read it more clearly. No where does he say we are spending the night together. Those hours of panic are all for not. Why do I do that?? Why do I so quickly jump to conclusions only then to be hurt because things don’t happen as I thought they would? I breed disappointment because of my own actions.

Sometimes all I can do is shake my head and wonder. Oh well – at least we still have the sex right?

5 Comments leave one →
  1. The T permalink
    May 17, 2011 6:25 pm

    You hold my curiosity… Are you only attracted to married men? Are you not longing for someone to call your very own? Someone to give you a comforting companionship that you crave just because he values you for who you are? If you were married, and you found your husband tripping up and stepping out on you, would you be more understanding since you have been the “other” woman? I must admit, during my tenure as a husband, I held more than my fair share of women who were not my wife in my arms…some of them I loved deeply….others, I didn’t care whether I ever saw them again…

    I am peering into the life of a woman and how her thoughts may differ than mine do while living some of the same choices I once lived… I have had too many paramours for my own good…deconstructing now to try to be a better man….

    T.

    • May 17, 2011 9:21 pm

      T,
      You bring up a lot of good questions. I admit I kinda started in the middle of things without much background. I believe a posting will be forth coming to explain a bit of how I came to look for married men.

      To answer your questions though. Yes, eventually I do want a man of my own who loves me and is committed to a full relationship with me. As strange as it sounds, I believe in marriage as an institute. The intimacy between two people can be profound. I’ve watched it happen in my parents lives and other couples around. Part of my blog is to help me process where I am and what my goals are to be.

      Tolerance. Yes, I have much more tolerance for those people in my shoes and those that cheat. That being said, I still do judge a few people who are cheaters. The gold diggers who hope to just get financial help from a relationship. The people who have been married for such a short time they obviously aren’t committed to a relationship and are just players. I put some sort of qualifiers on when it’s ok to cheat and when it’s not. Random and really quite illogical.

      I’m admire that you are working on being a better man and that you’re looking at where you’ve come from. It’s not an easy process. It might also explain why I’m only 11 posts into this :)

      • The T permalink
        May 17, 2011 10:27 pm

        Miss Mistress…

        Your reply is well thought out and I appreciate the candid and honest answers. Coming from a serial womanizer, you won’t face judement from my direction, only curiousity to see how the minds of different women, providing different roles, think and react. For me, every woman that I cheated with was always treated with the utmost of care and compassion. I always wanted the moments to be special and thought provoking…and of course, I never wanted her to think she was second best…

        I will look forward to reading more about you, I know a few of my readers read your words as well…

        T.

  2. May 18, 2011 11:11 am

    Hmm… I’ve been catching up on your posts and honestly – to me it seems like you don’t know what you want. On the one hand, you write that you just want sex and are only looking for the quick pleasure that being with a man can give you. But then you write that you love the married man and that you want to wake up next to him.

    I’ve tried telling myself that I’m ok with one night stands and sex without feelings. And I really wish I were (whether the guy is single or not). But I’ve come to learn that when I say that I’m just fooling myself. I can kiss a guy and not have it mean anything. But once we cross the border into sex, I start feeling something. So now I know how to act accordingly.

    Sounds to me like you need a break from men and to try and figure out exactly what it is you’re looking for. It could just be sex, but then my advice would still be to not use the same guy for it. But if you want love, intimacy, a relationship, then you should stop with the married men and start looking for someone available.

    • May 20, 2011 5:20 pm

      Bornagain, I tried to do a little more explaining today. I wish it were a simple answer of stay with my lover or leave. Ok, let’s be honest – it is that simple I just mkae it complicated because of my feelings. I do need to stop and think about what I hope to achieve and the best way to reach those goals. Right now, at this moment, it’s just more than I’m able to do.

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