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Beat me, Whip me, Tie me up

January 8, 2012

I have spent the day waiting. I should have gotten out to exercise or enjoy the weather, but I didn’t. I was waiting for my son to return from a sporting event which has gone on much longer than I anticipated. My daughter was doing some testing and decided to hang out with a friend afterward. If I had known that I was going to have this much time on my hands I would have been more productive, but I wanted to be ready for when they completed their activities. So the way my life goes any more.

This gives me much, much too much time to think about my lover. I think about what it would be like to have companionship on these weekends when everyone else seems to be so busy. I think how nice it would be to be doing naughty, nasty things with freedom. Ahhh.  I read a book today. Well finished it. I was about half way through, but with all this extra time I was able to finish it this evening. I did a little cleaning. Caught up on blogs. Throughout it all though my mind wanders to my lover. I want to spend this extra time with him. I try not to be resentful of him being with his family. Try not to pity myself too much for the life which has handed me the part-time mom status.

Yesterday we thought we had a woman who could meet us to fulfill his fantasy of mff three-way. My lover emailed me to be sure I was still okay with moving forward.  I thought it was very sweet. We’d had a conversation earlier in the week in which I said I didn’t know that I could live in an open relationship even though the idea was very intriguing to me. He tells me in the email that he doesn’t want to do anything to mess with the intimacy we have created. I agree and tell him if it’s a one time thing then I don’t see it ruining anything we have. A few hours later he says she was very unpleasant in her emails and he told her to move on along. I respect his judgment. So, we’re still in the hunt for a willing woman. At least I think we are,  he didn’t really say he was posting another ad or continuing the quest.

There’s another fantasy which I brought up to him a couple of months ago. One in which a person watches he and I have wild sex, then my lover blindfolds me. At that point it is up to my lover if the person gets to join in with us and how far that person gets to go with me. The idea of being at his mercy thrills me. There wouldn’t be any type of physical torture other than the extended tease. For me it has to do with my exhibitionist needs and not knowing how far things will go. I have to trust and experience every moment for what it is.

BSDM doesn’t interest me because I’m a whoose and hate to be hurt. The idea of D/s is a bit more thrilling. My cyber lover once wrote this incredible erotica about how I teased and entire group of poker players. That was HOT.  I could see myself being playfully dominant. Although when I think about scenarios I am always the submissive. Recently TransformingZ started following my blog. She writes in there that she is a submissive in a BDSM relationship. I find it intriguing and will be eager to read more about her adventures. I do wonder though what it is about giving over power to a partner that has my brain sparking. It surprises me that I would feel that way when I fight everyday not to give up any bit of control to a man. I don’t want to ever be dependent on a man again in my life – not financially, not emotionally. But yet, this fantasy is exciting.

Of course my lover is all for my fantasy. He really enjoys indulging me. I told him he has done so much for me that I want to let him experience his before doing anything with mine. Plus it may be a better fantasy than reality. I worry about some random stranger robbing us while we’re in the most compromised positions. The risk of another person knowing our faces (even though we both have aliases.) could be another problem. I haven’t told him, but I might have someone who would be interested in this. One of the men (A) I met up with while my lover and I were on a break kept in touch with me for a short time. I still see him on my gmail contacts. A tried to talk me into staying with him when I began to see my lover again, but I told him I didn’t want anyone but my lover. When A and his buddy J and I had the threesome they said their friend wanted to watch, but not join in. I think if I contact A either he or his friend would be game. I haven’t told my lover though because he was somewhat bothered that I went on and met other men while we were apart. In my defense, my lover ended it with me and there was no window of opportunity to continue. I don’t want my lover to think I continued with A or to bring up anything upsetting. Since I’m not sure I actually want to fulfill the fantasy, I think I’ll skip telling him.

And that’s what I do with extra time on my hands. I lounge and dream of being with my lover. Productive, no?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 9, 2012 7:04 pm

    Your lover is lucky, no… make that BLESSED to have such an open-minded, hot woman who is willing to explore the limits of passion with him!

    • January 9, 2012 8:41 pm

      I think we’re both blessed to have found each other. I have never trusted someone to take it as far as I have and I believe he’s the same. It’s a good dysfunctional relationship :)

  2. January 14, 2012 7:49 pm

    Imo, he doesn’t have the right to be “bothered.” While it may feel good that he is, he doesn’t have the right to put restrictions on you. Just another example of him being unfair to you………

    • January 14, 2012 10:02 pm

      He was bothered when we started seeing each other again. When we started talking about this fantasy last week and I brought up the way he reacted when I told him I’d been involved with these other men he admitted he had no right or expectation I wouldn’t have moved on.

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