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How to have an affair…with your significant other

January 19, 2012

I’ve been thinking lately about the men I’ve been involved with in the last two years or so; from the cyber affairs to the real affair I have found myself in for nearly 18 months. This all started because my lover and I played in the forbidden playground of “What Would It Be Like If We Were Together” (WWIBLIWWT). The playground is imensly fun. We swing high with the possibilities of what could be, the inevitable happiness we’re sure to have. Get dizzy on the merry-go-round with how nice we’d be to each other and imagine how our lives would fit together. Go rushing down the slides giggling at the peace we’d bring each other.  We trade each other’s bad habits as we bounce the four-square ball back and forth:

I snore…so do I
I leave laundry all around the house…I’d put it away
I fall asleep at 9:30…I sometimes fall asleep by 6
I leave dirty dishes in the sink…I like to do dishes

It’s not until we walk down the pathway from the park, having to losen our hands, that the truth sets in. The playground is fun and full of laughter, but we have to go home now. Each to our own lives which are full of everyday activities.

Having an Affair…With your Significant Other 101

Let’s first think about Jimmy Buffet’s “The Pina Colada Song”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVdhZwK7cS8. The man and woman in that song both placed personal ads to free themselves of the mundane of their current relationship. Neither expected to find each other face to face at the bar. Apparently, this worked out exquisitely for them as they discovered new things about each other and, we’re lead to believe, they are still together. Personally, if I discovered this, I would have beat my SO to a pulp there in front of all the bar patrons. Maybe I am too emotional. I don’t want to discover my SO looking for someone else.

How to have an affair…with your significant other 101

I have to emphasize that this course will only work if both you and your SO are willing to invest in the relationship. You may find yourself in a long-term relationship that has become dull or distant. If one of you has grown too far apart to even consider the possibility of sexual intimacy, then I’m afraid you may have to take the Having an Affair 101 course that’s offered later in the year.

One of the things you need to consider is how much time are you able to put into the affair? In my experiences there needs to be a lot of otherwise downtime, given to being…ummm, UP.  For example, if you and your SO are going to engage in a cyber affair you will need to find time to send sexy messages. The kids will need to be in school or at their various practices. You’ll need to have a covert account which can be accessed from work and hidden on the tool bar. You must be able to sneak away after everyone in the house has gone to sleep so you can Skype and chat without suspicion. If this is to be a successful cyber affair, both of you must commit to sharing intimate photos/videos of each other at the height of passion. Plenty of hard members and wet areas must be exchanged. If, and only if, both of you are ready to take the next step then you can initiate phone/video sex with each other. There is something erotic about sharing that squeal of orgasm, the gasps of explosion, the hurried cleaning up to return to regular life.

Cyber affairs can be the simplest way for you and your SO to play pretend relationship while you find out intimate details which have never been shared. And this is important so please take notes. Both of you must share those thoughts and emotions that live so close to your heart that you’ve never trusted another person with these thoughts – not even the SO with whom you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your days. Those naughty fantasies which He/She would never understand, never approve, never explore must flow between you two like you are a horny 15-year-old who just discovered online porn. Urgency underlies every text message, every email, every video chat. Keep in mind you have just discovered your understanding soul mate which is the missing link to your undying happiness.

The real-life affair is going to cost you much more of your time. This cannot be done as easily between family events as it does require both partners to be in the same location for at least 30 minutes if not more. You may find the innocuous lunch to be a great time to sneak off with your SO as both of you may already be sans kids/work. Meet at the parking lot, sneak in the back seat and fuck like He/She is a stranger and this is a brand new experience.

The after work quickie before heading off to the warm dinner awaiting you at home does not work as well with SOs. I mean, who’s going to be home preparing said warm meal if you’re both playing hanky panky at the cheap motel? Here is where creativity is your friend. Perhaps leave work an hour early, set up play dates after school, or call in your car pool favor. This buys you a bit more playtime which allows for some cuddling after the frolic.

The key to a successful in person affair is that real life stops. There’s no bills to pay, no clothes to fold, no books left all over the floor. Sexy lingerie and tantric massages create an atmosphere that’s new. Time, precious time, is given to look into each other’s eyes, feel each others skin, taste each others lips. Erotic exploration is an open field. No kinky stone is left unturned. Again, take notes here, each of you comes with your set of forbidden desires to share. You are accepted for your passion and eagerly await His/Her next wish. You are finally free! Free to ask for and provide those things you’ve only imagined when you were alone with your own hand.

If you do take your real life affair further and have been able to successfully complete the physical requirements, the next step is to share those vulnerable emotions. The scars which sit upon your heart that you’ve kept from your SO for as long as you’ve known. Remove those band aids and risk exposure to fresh air you’ve created with this secret escape. This is a good time to discuss frustrations, celebrate successes, share stories of kids, and make bucket lists for the future. After all, you now have fresh ground in which you can plant seeds of love.

In some cases the cyber affair can lead to a real life affair as well as a real life affair can be enhanced by some fun online exchanges. There are no limits to the mix and matching which can be done. Have fun! This is your affair.

Please keep in mind that this affair must be kept secret. In no way are you able to reveal in real life that you are suddenly happy and satisfied. You cannot carry over at home or in your normal life. Sure you may have a quiet peace that surrounds you, but that can be attributed to exercise or less stress at work. Perhaps you can sneak in a moment or two of daydreaming of your past days events, but hide that smile. Above all, NEVER offer to leave your SO for your adultress SO. Remember, you’re ultimately happy at home and love your SO deeply. The only reason you’re seeking anything outside the sacred vows is because He/She has abandoned your sexual/emotional needs.

Ok Ladies and Gentlemen, you have your outline in front of you. I expect that you’ll have great fun on this new adventure in life. Enjoy! Any questions?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. January 19, 2012 4:06 am

    Wow… this is really quite insightful. (Not that this should be surprising, mind you.) Many people could learn a thing or two from this.

  2. January 20, 2012 7:24 am

    Any chance you could do a “How To Interest Your SO In An Affair” cos I have no idea how to do that bit.

  3. January 21, 2012 7:08 pm

    “The key to a successful in person affair is that real life stops. There’s no bills to pay, no clothes to fold, no books left all over the floor. Sexy lingerie and tantric massages create an atmosphere that’s new.”
    FANTASTIC POST!

  4. George Moore permalink
    February 2, 2012 4:29 pm

    “How to have an affair…with your significant other” I believe there is a full length book in there, and the title is just great. With that title, the books would fly off the shelves (do they have shelves at Amazon?) I’m quite serious. You need to float this idea by some publishers. First, google to see that no one else has done it. Then go for it!!

    Also, with respect to:

    I snore…so do I
    I leave laundry all around the house…I’d put it away
    I fall asleep at 9:30…I sometimes fall asleep by 6
    I leave dirty dishes in the sink…I like to do dishes

    I believe that when you are able to fart in front of each other, you have reached the ultimate level of intimacy.

    • February 2, 2012 7:32 pm

      Actually, funny enough I stumbled across a Christian Evangelical radio station and they were promoting a book very similar to this. It was about divorce proofing your marriage and the title was something about a life long affair. I will have to research if I decide to write a book. There is something to the idea.

      Ahh, yes. Acceptance of normal bodily functions is when you know you’ve arrived at the peak of a relationship.

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