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Much like my nipples, I can’t keep my eggs centered

March 30, 2015

My mom sent me the diet she did when I was 5. She wrote a quick note saying she thought I’d have fun reminiscing about the diet I did when I was young. Wheni was FIVE! It took me a couple weeks to review the plan as my reminiscing wasn’t necessarily a happy stroll. 

Overall, the plan is similar to any modern day plan. High proteins, low carbs, lots of veritables. They recommend a breakfast of one egg, one piece of toast or cereal and half orange or half grapefruit. It’s been about 15 years since I’ve had a grapefruit and I love them! So, in a strange way I am glad she sent it out even I it does make me think of my inadequatey. 

Lately I’ve had a lot of anxiety thinking about being naked with a man. I’ve been hitting the dating sites lately so it’s been on my mind, though the chances of anything happening soon are nil. 

I was talking with a friend about my dating future. As we talked, it became evident my desires have changed – for the better.  What I miss the most is the companionship that is built-in as a couple. Someone to come home to, someone to go do things with, and someone who doesn’t mind just being together. Of course sex will be an important thing that comes with a healthy relationship, but that’s not the first my first priority. Well, at least night right now….that doesn’t mean it won’t creep up again.

Mind, body, spirit 

March 13, 2015

A holistic approach to your overall health includes finding balance in all areas of your life. This past couple weeks have been a personal testament to the theory.

I’m down with what feels to be my 5th cold in the last month. This time changing over y a sinus infection. My immune system seems to be a strainer rather than a coat of armor.

I think about the outside effects that cause me feel weak. The constant attacks by the ex. I ignore them – for the most part – but they still sit in my head taking up way too much space. The issues with the kids has caused me stress too. Normal stress., but stress all the same.

And as of late, my spirit has been lagging. Lent gas always been my season of rejuvenation. A time to reconnect and reconcile. Some reason I haven’t had tha a-ha epiphany as in years past. 

All of this is circular. One in balance with the other and the other. My spirit lags which makes me vulnerable to the ex’s attacks which makes me vulnerable to the sickness. Or I’m run down from the sickness making me exposed to the negative stressors of my ex which leaves me feeling further from God and more angry he’s left me in the same situation.  Notated how you slice it, the point is I need to get my triangle back to a right angle. 

I’d like to figure it out and know where to focus my energy. Mostly I’d like to be on a deserted island with a man who loves me and no responsibility. An escape – or a permanent change of location :)  At this point I think I’d settle for someone who’d be willing to snuggle with me at night and do the dishes in the morning! Dreams.

Value reflected

March 8, 2015



A series of events and conversations this week has had me in a dark place . 

I feel my greatest strength I bring to any relationship is compassion an nurturing. I think about the needs of the other person, sometimes to the point I lose myself.

Foolishly I believe that demonstrating these values, others will reflect them back to me. But they don’t. My kids are going through transitions in their lives which give them opportunity to grow and make their own decisions. It’s this opportunity which causes me the most pain and hurt.

I’m not the first mother to be hurt by their kids. Each of us go through this time of kids breaking away. I’ve made the decision that they’re old enough to be independent and I do not need to keep my life on hold. 

No  longer do I need to rush home to make them dinner or sit in a room ignored. I don’t need to avoid dinner or movie invites in order to help them feel included. This allows me new found freedom. 

And after all these bombardments, I receive this text from a friend who seems to know to know exactly what I need and send me random messages. 

Life. It’s just life.

It’s only the rain

March 2, 2015

It’s only the rain. The drops of water on the sidewalk which evaporate with the sun. The droplets which wet your jacket and drip upon your shoes. There could be a deluge of water, wind, thunder and lightening, but still it’s only the rain. No matter how hard it blusters. No matter if an umbrella is needed to protect against the increasing splash. It’s still only the rain.

You may want to scream at the sky, “stop your howling air!” Or yell at the clouds to move past your house. But it’s only the rain. The force with which you fight this rage upon you only takes your energy. The rain washes over you leaving you feelin cold and violated, but there’s nothing more than wetness upon your face. Temporary. 

This accumulated water will not tear apart the sidewalk. It won’t destroy the earth you walk upon. It cannot take down buildings and take down structure because it’s only the rain. Once the sky tantrum has yielded, the view is washed clean. Better than before. No haze. No gloominess. It’s brighter and easier to navigate because it’s only the rain that’s briefly moved through. A spec on the timeline of life. 

I’ve spent a lot of time here complaining of my situation. Wrapped up thinking I’d be in this place forever. Not truly understanding that thing move and change. Life is dynamic. 

I was told today that I would be lonely all of my life because there’s no one who would put up with my horridness. And I laughed. I laughed at how ridiculous it was that someone else could determine my fate and my happiness. A slap in my face by my friend reality. 

I laughed because the mere words, coming from someone else, forced me to see things for what they really are. Temporary. These moments of insecurity are like the raindrops clearing the way for me to see a better tomorrow. Life is good. I’m buying an umbrella and sitting in the rainsoaked garden.

In the stars

March 2, 2015


 



I’ve been reading a bit about my astrological sign lately. It’s a hobby which I enjoy. This last find seems to be the closest to my personality as any  I’ve seen. Perhaps you remember me talking about the the next Mrs. Confessions needed to allow me to fly, but be strong enough to keep me from flying away. My head is constantly in the clouds, with very little planning to how to make it all come together.  And the explanation of authority is spot on. Even task lists drive me nuts. While I need some sort of organization, anyone who tries to “help” me be organized will be resented and ignored. 



While it might be difficult to believe, I am overall a fairly happy person. It is something which I need to work on maintaining and keeping my energy focused on what I have instead of what I don’t.  But I do believe folks are attracted to my attitude – most of the time.  Wanting to leave the world a better place is a big motivator for me. I think that’s why I’m drawn to the non-priofit world instead of the chase for money, even though the lack of money does cause the negative attitude! Haha

Maybe all this introspection is the reason I had a dream of my dad. In the 30 years since he passed, I’ve never dreamt of him. In the dream, my parents were divorcing when my dad’s aunt passed away. We was the aunt I was named after and I begged to go with him. We traveled to Minnesota and walked along a harbor.we were crossing a bridge. It felt so familiar as if we’d walked this path together many times before. When it was time to get ready for the the funeral, my dad decided it was time to go home. We never went to the funeral. It was bizarre. I wanted to spend more time with him and was sad u had to wake up. It’s been sitting there in my mind for days.

Guess it’s simply being in an spacey state of mind. Too much time in the clouds :)

Stop looking

February 11, 2015

A friend who knows how done I am with being single kindly told me to stop looking and I’ll find true love. These are words often used to console the lonely and meant to be of comfort. There’s nothing wrong with the advice, except I don’t necessarily believe it. Not 100% anyway. This long-standing piece of advice most likely came from an anecdote. Someone knew someone who had decided they didn’t need love only to find themselves madly in love.

When else would you use this advice? When I can’t find my keys, I don’t stop looking and they appear. When I’m lost and can’t find a location, I don’t just stop and the building appears. When I can’t balance my checkbook, I don’t just stop and money appears. It’s illogical to think something with happen without some sort of effort to achieve the desired result. I’m no scientist, but I’m sure there’s a principal which explains how the effort put into solving a problem is greater than or equal the results needing to be achieved.

I know I’m a downer. I know it makes others uncomfortable to have another person hurt. What is the right answer though? Perhaps it’s zen: sometimes good people are meant to be alone. Who knows. When I look at my future, I cannot accept the potential of being alone for the later years of life. I don’t want to be the single lady at the back of church that people whisper about and pity. So, I will continue to seek and search and try to change my circumstances. Until I don’t have the energy. And I will take a break before starting again. It’s interval training for the soul.

Gosh darn day!

February 9, 2015

Only 6 more days to get through. But damn, those days are difficult. I went grocery shopping and was inundated with Valentines messages. At the grocery store! I expect it from walmart and target, but your local grocer? Am I the only single person left on this planet? All I want is to get some fruit in peace.

The radio commercials are relentless. Lingerie shops tying the holiday to 50 Shades of Grey, internet ads pushing flowers, my own fucking Facebook promoting KY. Even NPR is betraying me with their sponsorship ads for local companies pushing the holiday.

The holidays leading up to this remind me of my loneliness, but this last one reminds me how single I am. There’s no getting around it. Instead of looking forward to sweet treats and flowers, I volunteer at church. God, laughing tears at the irony, says the only love I’ll have once again this years is by my own hand.

And then I have the most insane dream. I was crying tears of sadness trying to stop my divorce from happening. We were 8 years into our marriage when I defied to divorce, but as he packed up to leave I couldn’t end things. I kept saying I wanted the marriage and I was in love. That’s when I woke up. I’ve never regretted the divorce, but have alway felt horrible for the pain it caused. I have no left over feelings for the man. I can’t figure out what my subconscious was trying to tell me. Just another cruel joke by the universe I suppose.

Six days. Six busy days. I can avoids social media and meditate rather than listen to the radio. I can change my thoughts and be strong. It’s just a day. And it holds no power over me.

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