It’s been a year since I began my healthy approach to life. 365 days of behavior modification. While not going to declare victory, I have learned a few things along the way.
- I am not Bathsheba. No matter how often I exercise or how many vegitables I consume, I will not be the object of desire. I see myself in the mirror and I do not meet any level of beauty standards. And it’s ok. I have a good heart and a passion for life that will be attractive to the right person (possibly).
- I may never marry again or even have a long term relationship. And that really is ok. When I begin to feel needy, I ask myself what am I really lacking. I practice finding fulfillment within myself is tea of looking of outside validation. This is still a work in progress. Jealousy often drives my feelings, loneliness jumps in as well. I struggle with the desire to be mated, but refuse to settle for less than I deserve.
- Online dating will always baffle me.
- I don’t enjoy running. I don’t enjoy exercise. I do enjoy when I’m done and to sense of accomplishment both on the outside and what’s happening on the inside.
- It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, I don’t like kiwi or radishes.
- I love cake. Everyday I hope there’s an occasion to eat cake.as often as I feel lost, I feel strong. Even as I doubt myself, I am confident everything is ok. The teeter-tater of the dichotomy is exhausting and causes me the most stress.
- If I continue to work towards being more healthy, eventually I’ll find the peace I desire. I can’t dear being alone and I can’t fear becoming my mom and sister. I have to know that my life will look different because I write the chapters.
So I’ve moved the needle to the right slightly. There’s still much growth needed. I’ll fall. I’ll cry. I’ll be angry. Maybe though, next year when we talk I’ll have mastered a few new life skills.
I’d say 95% of the time I’m generally happy. I’m content with where I am and the choices I make. You folks get to read about my 5% or which I have apologize. Since my blog is an oulet for the voices in my head, I don’t come here often enough with positiveness.
Today is no exception. I’m struggling with sadness. The kind of deep sadness that takes away your will to move forward and traps you in one place. As much as I mentally prepare, knowing I’ll be visited by the sadness, I still fall victim. So, I decided I remove myself from the workforce and focus my mind on other things.
Today I wish I had a soulmate who’d sit with me or walk with me. Just be with me and accept my weakness. Not to solve it or to rationalize or change my circumstances. Just someone who sees the hole and doesn’t walk away.
This hole has been a part of me so long, people are tired of acknowledging the space. They’ve moved on and see no reason for me to obsess about the hole. Their platitudes and rationalizations only make the hole feel deeper.
So I no longer share the hole. My outward facade shows no difference between today or yesterday or tomorrow. I release any one from joining me in the sadness because no one wants to be sad. We don’t go looking for ways to feel bad. It’s my responsibility to maintain status quo and keep those around me at peace rather than share my burdens.
And that’s why I removed myself from others. Because they’d only ask questions and give answers that make their soul feel ease. I don’t have the strength to carry this sadness while presenting normality. It’s just too much today. The tears are too heavy today.
The year of me has begun is a molasses pace. It’s definitely not the power bomb I had put forth on January 1.
The past six months I’ve been busy working out, attempting to eat better and looking for the Mr. Right I have in mind. The results are not necessarily a hockey stick of success.
Changes still need to be made. I’m tired of
- Being judged. I know I’m not supposed to care what people think about the of shape of my ass or the lump of fat below my belt line or how I look like an overstuffed sausage in my swimsuit, but I do. The lack of romantic interest exacerbates my feelings if inadequacy. There could be several reasons for another human to find me unappealable besides my body shape, so why do I go to the easy fallback position?
- Not feeling worthy. The dating sites are filled with men talking about their need for a loyal woman. Am I loyal? Yes. Was I loyal for 15 years? Yes. Did I cheat? Yes. Was I in a long-term relationship with a married man? Yes. Should I still be considered worthy enough to potentially date? Yes! Yet I never consider reaching out to those men because I just can’t go through my journey one more time.
- Hearing about other people’s happiness. God bless social media and all it’s superficial bullshit. I’m inundated with people getting engaged, married, having babies and taking fabulous vacations. Everyone I know is able to buy a house, get a dog and upgrade their car. What’s worse is when the people whom I’m closest to are all experiencing big lfe moments. I have a friend who went on for 10 minutes about how her credit was so incredible that the bank is practically going away money to her to but a house. Uggh.
- Wanting more, but not knowing how to change want to action. Maybe it’s my impatience. Or maybe it’s putting value on things that don’t mean as much I think they do. The mud I’m stuck in seems to be hardening.
- Wondering why people chose to leave me and what I need to do to become compelling. This motivates all the negative emotion in the list above. This is the first thing that need to be removed, exocised, thrown out in order for me to find peace and move forward. Changing this thinking will ultimately change how I view myself and where I fit into the world. It’s the first step to finding the peace. Now, I just have to take the first step to change.
It’s not much. Every day I realize how little I actually know and how much changes around me. Things are fluid and the more I hold on, the more self-induced stress I have.
I’m pretty sure the Prince Charming who will sweep me off my feet will overlook me because I’m grocery shopping in sweaty sweatpants after an exhausting workout. Or I’ll be wiping off melted chocolate chips from my cleavage as I eat cookies in the sun.
I’m pretty confident the magpie that dive bombs me at lunch will one day take out my eye. He’s so angry with the crowd that fills his spot at lunch that he’ll lose control and fly too close. His warning squaks not hitting my ears fast enough.
I’m fairly confident that I don’t fit traditional definition of an attractive woman and therefore will need more substance to find the right mate. Which I thought I had in the bag. Compassion, caring, nurturing, laughing, thoughtful and insightful. Those are a few traits I’d label myself without feeling too boastful.
Yet I think about where I am. This point in my life. No one has left me or ended a relationship with me because of how I looked. The people who have walked away knew me. The whole me. My strengths and my weakness. So I’m not all that I once thought I knew. And the things I believe I’ll bring to a relationship are rather limited, in the big picture. I won’t bring fortune or fame to anyone. I can’t buy the material desires of a potential love. Not going to go on a great adventure or explore the nether regions of the world. When you look at this, as the transaction it actually is, I’m taking more than giving in any potential new relationship.
So I’m left to wonder, why me? If what I have to offer isn’t what people want, then how do I survive the market? When everything is about the brand, what does my brand provide?
It’s just one more thing I dont know in an ever growing list of thigs that baffle my mind. Like people who carry their dog in their purse. I just don’t understand.
The Meghan Trainor song is rolling around my head lately. The catchy tune gets stuck in there and won’t stop.
It’s prompting me to once again consider what I hope for in my future mate. Here’s my current letter.
Dear future husband,
It’s been a long time coming meeting you. I had given up hope more than once. How wonderful we finally met!
By now you know my many quirks. My obsession with getting sheets and blankets just right before being able to drift off to sleep. How cold I am, even in the hottest of weather. You’ve seen my eyes starring at the clouds more often than looking forward – both figuratively and literally.
You’ve learned how close to the surface laughter resides. And equally how shallow my tears hide below. Not irrational, simply prone to live my life fully while embracing all the emotions. You’ve had a chance to see anger light up like a match and just as quickly go away. Living out loud is my authentic me.
Maybe what you don’t yet fully know my need for bonding. We’ve talked about the past failed relationships. I don’t think I can adequately explain the dispair associate with never being good enough. The tearing of my soul when I awokened to another person choosing to walk out of my life instead of holding me tight
It probably comes as no surprise my love language is time. I want to be valued. Desired for more than a physical connection. Simply being with me; watching movies, hanging out doing nothing, or finding time to discover new things together. I spent time with people who value materialism over humans. That doesn’t work for me. I don’t need presents to feel loved. Just be there at the end of my day. Share your day’s events with me. Talk with me about plans. Sit with me on the porch and watch the storms move the sky.
Don’t get the wrong impression. You don’t have to be tied to me at all times. Go enjoy hobbies and friends. Develop your own interests and refuel your soul.
Most of all, I need you to know that I am committed giving you all the love I have. I promise each day to honor who you are, what you are, and all you want to be. Our future will be full of laughter and discovery, misunderstandings and forgiveness. Most of all, I want to share my life with you!
Some of the best lyrics I’ve heard lately are Ingrid Michaelson’s Locked Up. She says, “Buy I’m not 16 and I’ve lost it between birthday cakes and past mistakes that roll by.” Of course she’s singing about the lack of love in her life and how time is speeding by giving her panic if she’ll have time to find what she needs.
Today the universe is pushing hard against my brain and I feel completely wiped out. Everything I come in contact with seems to be taking energy from my soul.
Weekends that should te-energize me simply leave me limp. The kids are with me longer because of Mother’s Day, but still leave before the day ends. The beauty of shared custody. Having to come up with how I want to celebrate the day instead of sitting back and enjoying the day. I don’t have the luxury of someone else thinking about me and what I might want. Probably the complaint of thousands of moms. It’s not a day for me if I’m still financially responsible and have to make all the arrangements. So instead of feeling loved I feel exposed to the elements of the circumstances. I love spending time with the kids, but wonder when they’ll pick up the baton and plan for me.
My work is at a critical time which means I’ve got to be 100% on task to stay on top of the various projects. The normal demands of deadlines takes away any optimistic outlook. I leave part of myself at work each day to the point I feel there’s nothing left of me.
I go to dinner with friend who is so self absorbed I am more therapist than comrade. She dismisses my need to vent and spends the time bragging about herself, digging for compliments, and complaining. There’s no need trying to get her to listen to my needs, so I give her what she needs.
Community obligations suck up my time. I made a commitment and therefore I have to see it through. It’s less rewarding and more acting out of obligation.
All week I’ve tried to get to the gym, but because if the kids needs I can’t make it as often as I want, so now what should be my time is out to the back burner.
I am struggling to find what it need to put joy back into my psyche. I should meditate, but can’t seem to find the time for that either.
It’s all causing stress and anxiety because I feel so off kilter. Now I become that negative nelly who no one wants to be around which means I’m forced into that lonely solitude that I resent so much. And the loop begins again. Maybe it’s time for therapy again or a way to turn off my brain.
Randomly I recently found out I’m STD free. Not that I was worried. I am told that part of getting an IUD is to do STD testing. No big deal. But now I wonder if there’s something more.
My state has seen skyrocketing STD rates in the last few months. Now I wonder if the fact that I’m a single woman who keeps her options open for sex played a part in the testing. The experts are saying women’s rates for contracting the diseases are especially out of control.
The articles I’ve read are blaming dating apps and affairs. Im finding myself amused by the theories of extra marital affairs being on the increase because of mobile apps. If any of our uptight community took a glance at craigslist or Ashley Madson, they would know this shit has been happening since the internet was invented. But instead we pride ourselves with having the lowest divorce rates and pay ourselves on the back for being so family focused that we don’t need sex education or even talk about sex outside of marriage.
They say we are now more apt to act on impulse since we don’t hav to go to bars to pick up one night stands. Please! Stop the ignorance. The religious leader who goes to church every Sunday and gives the tithing as expected was still finding his/her sexual adventures beote the smartphone joined the fun. The apps are as much to blame for this a is whiskey, wine, or marijuana. Those things might make it easier, but there’s a systemic problem that is driving certain people to this lifestyle. Take a look at why people are having anonymous sex and then you’ll have a better chance of solving this health epidemic.
All this makes me feel better about my decision to honor mysel an search out deeper relationship than a simple sex romp. Honestly, it’s been such a long and difficult road, but it’s the right one. Ok, enough arrogance.