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Memories

April 27, 2016

I love coffee. The morning doesn’t start without the savory sensation passing over my lips. Today I decided my love of espresso goes even deeper.

I decided to reward myself because 1. I had a killer workout yesterday 2. I made it out of bed today. Normally I don’t indulge because the cost difference between a cup of coffee and latte is outrageous. Hell, the cost of coffee is outrageous! But I’ll leave my old woman rant for another blog.

As I sipped that joyous, bright sip of latte I was taken back to the early days of coffee houses. It was the end of my college years when the coffee sensation began to rise. My first job out of school, I worked 4am-11am. Heading down to the lobby midway through my day when most people began theirs, I would stop at the coffee cart for a hot, delicious latte. It revived my weary soul. Strong, smooth, savory beans opened my senses.

Today I was 20 years younger, transported back to a simpler time. Remarkably, not much has changed in my life. Still I search for love, struggle to master my career, and search for eternal answers. I wondered then, as I do now, what is my purpose?

But those sips of strong brew always made me feel stronger; full of possibilities. The same small hope began to glimmer. I am stressed beyond the norm as of late and I weep more for my single journey, but I know I’ve got this, whatever “this” happens to be. Well, at least until the latte is drained.

My love/hate relationship with God

April 14, 2016

Dear readers, it probably comes as no surprise that I struggle in my relationship with God. I disappoint him. I can’t pretend he’s ok with the whole affair thing that happened. Then there’s the whole not forgiving thing with the ex. And I might not treat everyone as I want to be treated. I have very human failings. Probably the most prominent is the anger I have with him on multiple occasions.

I am blessed. I have food, shelter, community of faith, warm clothes, friends and family. I’ve never had to survive a natural disaster or begged for food. I’ve never experienced homelessness or having to protect myself from the eliments. And I tell you all this because the rant to follow might make it seem I don’t know that God is watching. He feels very disengaged and distant right now.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve unsuccessfully attempted on multiple occasions to find a mate. Not just someone who wants a physical relationship, but someone who wants to be near me when I’m broken and vulnerable. Someone who will sit with me while I cry tears of anger and fear. Someone who will brainstorm and reassure me things will get better in time, but while I wait for that time he will join me in my journey. Today, I’m feeling especially angry not having that part of me fulfilled.

If you’re a long time reader, you also know that I deal with an emotionally abusive ex who continually tears my soul apart. You know I fight to protect myself and be strong. And I try to fight to protect my kids as best I can. Which brings up the constant frustrating question to God, “why won’t you allow me to be loved and don’t stop the abuse happening? Why is it alright for me to be treated this way?” So today I’m pissed at my humanly conceived notion of injustice because I cry these tears utterly alone.

For the longest time I’ve been asking God why he created me unlovable. What part of my DNA is missing which won’t allow another person to love me for more than a sexual favor? He doesn’t answer, but sends more men to offer up their sexual prowess. And so tonight I cry tears of loneliness which doesn’t appear to be changing.

I think what he’s telling me is he wants me to be unmated. That’s not a bad thing. Thousands of incredible men and women are single and have found great joy in their lives. Maybe it’s just the way I was born? A daisy can wish to be a rose, but nothing in this world will make that happen. A duck can think it should be an eagle, but that won’t change his waddling body. I’m tilting at windmills and hoping God will have mercy to bring me another so I don’t fight alone….but hoping and praying doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have what is required to be seen as someone to live happily ever after with.

What I’m left with now are red eyes, an anxiety-filled heart, angry rants and a plethora of opportunity to master fighting the good fight by myself. I’m still full of a whole basket of resentment and anger towards the good lord, but I have no alternative because I can’t give up as much as I want to throw in the towel. I’ll continue swinging my sword and strengthening my armor, if nothing more than to prove to God he won’t defeat me.

 

Processing

April 4, 2016

Anyone who’s been on the Internet in the last 10 years has seen these memes which preach one is responsible for the negative in their lives because they don’t put out enough positive energy.

I must forewarn you readers this post involves more negative complaints and introspection as I yell at the universe.

First, let me say I’m not always positive, but am overall a positive person. I feel some of my best attributes as a friend and family member is my respect for other people. I’m not possessive and don’t need to be in the spotlight begging for attention. I listen and reserve judgement – for the most part, I am only human and fail at times. I give compassion and understanding without strings. I give love and care about other people. I make decisions that will effect other people with them in mind and spend time analyzing how the outcome will be interpreted.

You know the old saying, let it free and if there’s love it will come back? It’s yet to come back.

So the memes demand of me to put out the energy I want to attract. And I do. I want the love. I want to be important to another person. I want to be heard and card about. That’s what I send out to the universe, but instead I ge the opposite back.

I’m in the dating site, but only get the ones who want sex. None of my images are sexual. None of the text is flirtatious.

I want to build strong relationships with family, but have yet to learn how to develop these. Instead the kids, just like their father, chose lies over truth and self-serving over family-centered.

Should I change who I am to protect my heart? Change my approach to feel less taken advantage of? If I’m treating others the way I want to be treated, but don’t receive that love in return what are my options? Bitterness seems to be the only thing to result if I don’t make some sort of change. I like myself and I like I can give myself, so do I simply accept these consequences?

Solo observations

April 3, 2016

A small confession: the idea of running out of the power for electric devices gives me great anxiety. Almost as much as the idea of running out of toilet paper. If there were ever a case which both came into play, I don’t think there would be enough Xanax to save me.

So when I think it will be awhile until I can power up my phone or tablet, I just won’t use it unless necessary. Since often times I am solo when out and about, it gives me time to watch human behavior and hear conversations. I think I could find a way to get paid for it, I’d make a career out of being a fly on the wall of humanity.

Things like, “but women have an obligation to keep their hair long. Women with short hair are viewed so differently.” makes me wonder how someone would buy into such sociatial restraints. An entire conversation between two woman about a friend who was cheated on. The incredible amount of victim blaming and unjustified guessing about why the man cheated made me want to interject, but I refrained. Or at the bar on side of me, the mancomplaining to a co-worker about a decietful co-worker and unwilling to take advice on managing a difficult situation and on the other, a man complaining about his mother’s congestive heart failure and her sudden behavior to be free with her money.

Watching the husband carefully guide his wife through a crowd or a mother entertaining her son du.ring an extremely long wait makes my heart full. An elderly couple who have to have been together for decades making sure they’re all set – the wife folds the newspaper and heads it back to the husband, the husband lifts the heavy packages to carry seem to be in sync with routine. A young couple who seem to be early in their relationship and exceedingly content to sit close to each other, arms around shoulder and peace on their face reminds me of what is missing from my life.

Perhaps I’m a vouyer inhaling these snapshots of humanity. It’s a live version of social media which I eagerly search through. The more comfortable I become with this passive approach to socialization, the more it becomes clear my path will be a singular one because I lose the reason to chase after a mate to keep me company. It’s one more  thing which sh.ows I can do this one my own. And it breaks my heart because I don’t want to give up hope there’s another person to be the yin to my yang, but the universe  shows me how easily I can cope. A mixed bag of emotion I guess.

I really am an egotist

March 18, 2016

I was walking down the hall talking with a co-worker I’ve talked it’s several multiple times over the past 4 years. I’ve had philosophical debates it’s him, learne about hi life and bout his background. I could rattle off a dozen or so random pieces of information bout him.

So passing in the hall we have brief exchange. For some reason I told him I was a huge egotist – mostly just being sarcastic. I chimed back, he didn’t know me,Mathis could be true. And he said he didn’t know me, he knew my face but that was about it. And he was serious. I felt deflated.

I am utterly forgettable. People walk out of my life without checking back in. Whether it’s co-workers or ex lovers; classmates or church members. I don’t know how to leave a lasting impression. How do I create long term relationships if I can’t even create one memory?

This is why I fight so hard to change my inglehood status. I want to matter. I want to mean something, to have a higher purpose. So I have to face the fact I’m a terrible egotist who is trying to fill some void so I am not forgotten after I leave this world.

30 days of sex

March 16, 2016

Buzzfeed recently challenged 3 couples to have sex for 30 days straight. Mixed results were reported because the the physical impact it had on the couples. I get it, sex is fun but it does leave you raw.

I have to admit I am a bit jealous. I love sex. The thrill, the anticipation, my skin coming to life and the heat of the orgasm running through me. I’m addicted to the endorphins rush. The intimacy that can be created and the bond created.

in order to be successful in the challenge, couples would have to use a variety of techniques and methods to keep it both interesting and give your body a break. I think that’s the part that intrigues me the most.

Moving from passionate, animal lust banging to soft caressing, tender love making. Quickies to long foreplay. A variety of rooms and a variety of fantasies.

Perhaps im romancing the challenge because I spend too much time self pleasuring rather than fornicating. Perhaps I’m once again tangling my emotions with my sexual desire. All I know is I’m holding onto a lot of envy.

You don’t think you could love me, but I think you could

March 15, 2016

Trying to get onto the highway this morning, I got stuck behind a semi with an apparent student driver. We traveled at approximately 5 mph. Not what I needed on the first Monday of DST. I sat at the timing light, starring at the wide, blocking vehicle in front of me and noticed “Blessed” written on the top of its back.

I chuckled. If ever there was a sign from God, right? My heart doesn’t always feel the blessings I do have.

Deciding to force a bit more optimistic outlook, I took a stab at online dating again. Remarkably there was a promising email. Unfortunately it ended rather quickly, just no curiously or connection.

While working on establishing a connection, I receive another message from a different person. “Hey you’re busty, want to be besties?” Does that line even work?! Is this real?

My hopes are dashed again. Immediately I feel a familiar dejection. The same feeling I had in 6th grade when all the girls around me were pairing up for their first “boyfriend”. Then in middle school when they moved on to their second or third and I was still un-matched.

The feeling which lead me to falsely believe sex is love and one must be desired in order for sex to take place. The long road of learning I’m more than my sexual abilities. Yet, still today, these men only want the simple physical relationship Maybe that’s my lesson – my path is not meant for a deeper connection.

It’s time to find a better way to balance life. It’s not as desaterous as all that negative spiraling. Of course there’s hope. And if not hope, then acceptance for chsnging the way I see my future.

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