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Ashley Madison

August 22, 2015

it probably comes as no surprise I take the side of Asley Madison in the whole scandal. The hackers are criminals. For what ever reason – fame, moral indignation, just because they could – what they did was illegally obtain secure information. If this were a financial institution or retailer, the story would be outrage.

The whole incident is another example of our society feeling they need to be the moral police. The reaction on websites and blogs is fuel of righteous indignation. People leaping onto their high horses to point their judgement filled fingers, all while boasting themselves as worthy enough to condem strangers actions. Our society is glee-filled as they read about celebrities and politicians getting caught in what they deem, indecent behavior. Taking such pleasure in the exposure.

I can’t wrap my head around this mentality. It’s like a scorn mistress reaching out to a spouse for revenge. What’s the point? Does the hurt that comes from outing a cheater really make the mistres feel any better about an ended affair? Will making these names public help our society become more moral or simply create a greater divide? All that comes from this is anger, undeserved condemnation, and broken lives.

Obviously I come from a place of being sexual confident through my willing participation as a mistress – both online and in real life. And I know it would be easy for some angry person to hack my blog to expose me and ruin my life. The men I once knew reflected they type of me. On Ashley Madison. Some were looking for fantasy, some the thrill of sex, some trying to feel some validation in a loveless marriage, some because they were bored. It isn’t my place to judge their reasons or expose their reasons to anyone else – including spouses. To what end would that be helpful to anyone?

For once, could our collective mindset please stop with the feeding frenzy of scandal end? If we stopped our outrage then we can focus on the bigger issue of Internet security and privacy!

Another shout to the universe

August 20, 2015

I’m tired of being strong. I’m done being the sole provider of stability. I am no longer able to carry the load of life and balance sanity. I need a respite. To collapse and be held; to take a deep breath and not think.

As I run through all my emotional needs being unmet, I get angrier at life – at God for the unfairness at life. My grandmother’s voice comes up from my memory. A time when I lie sobbing on my bed at my failing grade in geometry. My first failure coming to me at the old age of 15. I was sure my life was at a dead end and wouLdnt have any type of future beyond asking about one’s fry interest. My grandmother comes in to console me in the way only my grandmother could – simply by asking me why I’m so specIal cannot fail. The love oozed. What a startling slap in the face.

The memory made a timely revival. It’s the same today isn’t it? Why do I think I’m so special to “deserve” a companion. Millions of people walk through life on their own carrying heavier and more dangerous loads than I can even imagine. Why am I so demanding of the universe that I must have help on my pathway when so many others do it on their own without complaint.

Of course I’ll live to fight another day. Of course I’ll figure out a way to push forward. I may continue to be restless through the night, not eat an actual meal when I’m alone or tending to their needs, or fiNd nourishment for my soul through an intimate connection – physical or emotionally. But I will prevail.

Shared thoughts

August 4, 2015

image

And the more unsuccessful attempts at finding a “real” relationship, the more the fear builds.

Re-run

July 15, 2015

If you’ve spent any time on my blog, you know I live my life out loud. You probably wonder if I’ve ever had a thought which wasn’t documented somewhere on social media. It’s who I am and I make no apologies. It works for some people and others are turned off by it.

Lately I’ve been using a Facebook app which shows me previous posts that happened on the same day in different years. It’s meant to spark memories – which it is doing. Unfortunately I’m seeing my marriage falling apart. I see my mistakes, the hurt, the fear. I feel those emotions all over. While I’ve made other memories to share, it’s hard for me and I find myself reliving the hurt and pain.

in an effort to practice self forgiveness I’ve been chanting that I’m not the same person I was back then. I’ve reiterated several times in the past 6 years. There have been failures. There have been successes. I’ve learned new things. Grown more confident in mysel even while I continue to struggle with doubt. And I remind myself I’m not the same person today that I’ll be in 6 years. I’m continuing to grow each day.

then tonight I see an older couple walking with their arms around each other and break down crying. Even in the best of times, I didn’t have that touch. And I wonder if I ever will. I’ve been searching so long to be loved. is it in the cards to for me to have one more chance to be in a relationship? I don’t know what the future holds and try to be optimistic. But when I see the world around me successful in love, I don’t have faith it will be there. And it hurts. And I relive the pain of my failed marriage again.

Sometimes I hear my voice

July 6, 2015

If I were to try to pinpoint an area of constant frustration in my life, it would be the lack of voice I’ve had. The older I get, the more I’m done with being invalidated.

I’m talking about the literal ignoring only a teen engrossed in videos can do and the more broad ignoring of my opinions and ideas. Nothing makes me feel more insignificant than being discounted.

My family who I grew up with is phenomenal at the selective and/or just not caring. I speak my mind and provide clear boundaries, yet they mean nothing. Repeated conversations still do not make a dent in their understanding.

One particular friend has mastered the duck and cover of conversation to the point I don’t share anything about my life and simply listen and encourage her. She’s unaware of the words that are lost because she’s swimming in a sea if self aggrandizement.

Recently I read over some doctor notes from a previous appoinent which went something like this: patient is experiencing pain and has increased leveled of X. Patient is grossly overweight. Running tests, but not expecting anything because patient is grossly overweight. Talked with patient about being grossly overweight. (Paraphrased but not exaggerated). I was devastated when I read this. Heart broken to know this is how a medical professional sees me. Once again completely invalidated. 

My primary physician had just seen me and was astounded by my success at fixing the internal issues I have been battling. Across the board everything has gone down. I am fighting a good fight. She was the one that have me the notes because I was supposed to follow up with this other doctor on the tests. 

So after crying and having a good pity party, I wrote my primary back to let her know if never go back to see him since he’d already made up his mind of he cause. I was clear this was an unacceptable practice to discount patients.

And she hear me. She listened and acknowledged why it woud be upsetting. She agreed if further investigation were needed to send me to a different physician. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt like a real human. This is what normal people feel like all the time! Wow! I could get used to this.

For a moment I felt different. And then I got a text from the famiily member and well, nothing lasts forvever.

A point in time

July 3, 2015

A long holiday weekend means I get to catch up on sleep and be utterly sloth-like, except when my body fights me. I did some conditioning training a few days ago and still can’t walk. I tried swimming yesterday to see if that would loosen the muscles, but it only made things worse. Even with the Tylenol PM I was tossing and turning.

I’m stubborn and refused to get out of bed at 7:30 like my body was urging. Instead I laid there trying to stop my mind and get back to sleep. My mind was simply obnoxious and refused to settle down. I began to think of things I missed – like being able to sleep until noon! Here’s a snippet:

  • Lightening bugs. When I was younger we’d collect lightening bugs at my grandma’s house. It was simple. No bedtimes to worry about, no chores needing to get done. Just dusk and a field.
  • Hearing morning cartoons the kids would put on when I wasn’t quite ready to get up. Feeling safe they were growing independent.
  • The ignorance of my youth. The utter naivety I carried with me well into my young adulthood. Innocence and belief, yet untested, gave me unfounded confidence.
  • Believing I was loved. How easily I got lost in the emotion. Flowers, cards, emails, texts. I felt I meant something to someone. Somehow I had a purpose beyond being an individual.
  • Playing with the kids. Laughing. Trying new things and watching them develop. As any parent of teens can probably tell you, the various stages of kids come with good and bad, but you always look back thinking the last stage was the best.
  • Peace of mind. I can’t even remember the last time I felt truly at ease. Simple. Safe. Secure. Comfortable. How I long for it again.

It changes. Time changes. The list today won’t be the same in week  or a year. I can no more hold on to these things in my past than I can reWrite history. Building blocks of experiences make me who I am. While I dream of finding success, I’ve yet to determine what that means. I think if I found love again, that could be a step in the right direction. Or if I finally find financial security. Or not hurt after exercise. Hell, sleeping until 9 will be a major victory right now!

Time

June 26, 2015

It’s been a year since I began my healthy approach to life. 365 days of behavior modification. While  not going to declare victory, I have learned a few things along the way.

  1. I am not Bathsheba. No matter how often I exercise or how many vegitables I consume, I will not be the object of desire. I see myself in the mirror and I do not meet any level of beauty standards. And it’s ok. I have a good heart and a passion for life that will be attractive to the right person (possibly). 
  2. I may never marry again or even have a long term relationship. And that really is ok. When I begin to feel needy, I ask myself what am I really lacking. I practice finding fulfillment within myself is tea of looking of outside validation. This is still a work in progress. Jealousy often drives my feelings, loneliness jumps in as well. I struggle with the desire to be mated, but refuse to settle for less than I deserve.
  3. Online dating will always baffle me. 
  4. I don’t enjoy running. I don’t enjoy exercise. I do enjoy when I’m done and to sense of accomplishment both on the outside and what’s happening on the inside.
  5. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, I don’t like kiwi or radishes. 
  6. I love cake. Everyday I hope there’s an occasion to eat cake.as often as I feel lost, I feel strong. Even as I doubt myself, I am confident everything is ok. The teeter-tater of the dichotomy is exhausting and causes me the most stress.
  7. If I continue to work towards being more healthy, eventually I’ll find the peace I desire. I can’t dear being alone and I can’t fear becoming my mom and sister. I have to know that my life will look different because I write the chapters.

So I’ve moved the needle to the right slightly. There’s still much growth needed. I’ll fall. I’ll cry. I’ll be angry. Maybe though, next year when we talk I’ll have mastered a few new life skills.

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