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Stop looking

February 11, 2015

A friend who knows how done I am with being single kindly told me to stop looking and I’ll find true love. These are words often used to console the lonely and meant to be of comfort. There’s nothing wrong with the advice, except I don’t necessarily believe it. Not 100% anyway. This long-standing piece of advice most likely came from an anecdote. Someone knew someone who had decided they didn’t need love only to find themselves madly in love.

When else would you use this advice? When I can’t find my keys, I don’t stop looking and they appear. When I’m lost and can’t find a location, I don’t just stop and the building appears. When I can’t balance my checkbook, I don’t just stop and money appears. It’s illogical to think something with happen without some sort of effort to achieve the desired result. I’m no scientist, but I’m sure there’s a principal which explains how the effort put into solving a problem is greater than or equal the results needing to be achieved.

I know I’m a downer. I know it makes others uncomfortable to have another person hurt. What is the right answer though? Perhaps it’s zen: sometimes good people are meant to be alone. Who knows. When I look at my future, I cannot accept the potential of being alone for the later years of life. I don’t want to be the single lady at the back of church that people whisper about and pity. So, I will continue to seek and search and try to change my circumstances. Until I don’t have the energy. And I will take a break before starting again. It’s interval training for the soul.

Gosh darn day!

February 9, 2015

Only 6 more days to get through. But damn, those days are difficult. I went grocery shopping and was inundated with Valentines messages. At the grocery store! I expect it from walmart and target, but your local grocer? Am I the only single person left on this planet? All I want is to get some fruit in peace.

The radio commercials are relentless. Lingerie shops tying the holiday to 50 Shades of Grey, internet ads pushing flowers, my own fucking Facebook promoting KY. Even NPR is betraying me with their sponsorship ads for local companies pushing the holiday.

The holidays leading up to this remind me of my loneliness, but this last one reminds me how single I am. There’s no getting around it. Instead of looking forward to sweet treats and flowers, I volunteer at church. God, laughing tears at the irony, says the only love I’ll have once again this years is by my own hand.

And then I have the most insane dream. I was crying tears of sadness trying to stop my divorce from happening. We were 8 years into our marriage when I defied to divorce, but as he packed up to leave I couldn’t end things. I kept saying I wanted the marriage and I was in love. That’s when I woke up. I’ve never regretted the divorce, but have alway felt horrible for the pain it caused. I have no left over feelings for the man. I can’t figure out what my subconscious was trying to tell me. Just another cruel joke by the universe I suppose.

Six days. Six busy days. I can avoids social media and meditate rather than listen to the radio. I can change my thoughts and be strong. It’s just a day. And it holds no power over me.

Elusive beauty

February 8, 2015

Beauty eludes me. Looking in the mirror over the last couple weeks, all I think is “I’m not a beautiful woman. I’m not even a pretty woman.” There’s pieces of me I’ve clung to as being attractive; my eyes, my breasts, my laugh. But this negative talk has changed that perspective.

Both true beauty and true happiness come from within. No amount of attention or feedback can change your internal compass. So why this fragility? Most likely the time of year and he messaging all around. Or I’m seeing myself in true light which I’ve tried to ignore for far too long.

Thursday I skipped the gym and came home for a nap. I was sound asleep for an hour. Sure my body probably needed it, but this behavior feeds the negative cloud inside my skull. So Friday I pushed myself to go. But I want into it. So I started with weights trying to motivate myself to get on the elliptical. It didn’t work.

Recently I downloaded the nike training app which I’ve done a couple times at home. I decided to do that on Friday instead of the cardio workout. A half hour later I’m sweating and my heart is pumping. I felt pretty accomplished. My back was tight and so I tried stretching to out, but by the time I went to bed I had a heating pad and bengay lathered on my lower back. Sleep was difficult as I rolled and turned, aching.

Again, my negative chatter goes off. Now my body is revolting against me. Today I had to be on my feet for a couple hours and I’m once again covered in bengay and laying on the heating pad. Why!? I had wanted to get to the gym today, but decided to give into the soreness. So I’m beating myself up for not putting more effort into becoming more attractive.

This has to stop. It doesn’t make things better, doesn’t change my circumstances. I’ve decided for Lent I’m going to practice self acceptance and change in perspective. I’m not as unhappy as the negative voices are trying to tell me. I’m actually quite at peace with my life and am excited about how the future is forming. So with Intentionality, I’m going to take back the dialogue inside me. I believe after putting in the work I will find it simpler to contradict the pop up negativity. At least that’s my goal,

Relationship advice

February 3, 2015

This time of year there’s several different articles written about how to keep your relationship long-lasting. I read one study which came to the conclusion the marriages that last the longest are the ones which the partners are nice to each other. Seriously? They have to have study to tell people to be nice to each other?

I’m sure there are those who feel I don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to advice on relationships. But, seeing as I’ve had multiple cyber relationships and a few in-person affairs, I’ve hear from men what hurts them. I am no expert. Not by a long shot. I won’t make any assumptions that I know all things about every relationship.

But here’s a few basics that will help extend your love life. These are the same simple rules you learned in kindergarten and/or Sunday school.

1. Be kind and believe the best in everyone
2. Do your best to make your partner’s journey easier
3. Say please and thank you
4. Listen. Respond. Care about the other person says
5. Support your partner’s dreams and allow them to find their happiness
6. Open your heart. Work in the community to make a better place for your fellow man/critter/child
7. Comfort one another. Show compassion.
8. Find your excitement inside and outside the bedroom
9. Enjoy fantasy and share your desires with your partner
10. Laugh. Laugh hard until years I’ll down your face and your belly hurts. Laugh with each other and never at each other. Laugh free of judgement.

Of course, that’s just one mistresses opinion.

The good news: I’m crazy

January 30, 2015

January is officially not my month. I’ve been dealing with doctors and now over it. A few things have gotten in my head and under my skin. Finally the doctor told me it’s all in my head and I need to learn to relax. She advised me to find balance. Meditate. De-stress. So I decided to just put it out of my mind, shake it off and continue to find a way to improve myself.

Admittedly failing. If you read my blog for awhile, you know how much I hate valentines day. It’s my last emotional obstacle before the freedom of spring and it’s holiday free beauty. Since I’ve been focused on finding a man who values me for my entire self and not just for the sex I provide, this year is especially difficult. I put myself out there. Try to interact with single men. Try to put my non-sex self on the sign up sheet. But there’s no names. Not one. So I continue to wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me?

There are some truly strange, weird, different, angry, dysfunctional people out there who are successfully finding happiness. Why is it so hard for me? I had a strong discussion with God today. The ex continues to harass and berate me. Attacking at every opportunity. So I ask God why he’s ok with that. Why am I put in the situation to receive this anger toward me. And why does he feel is should make this journey alone? That’s an ongoing discussion though. And as now, one God refuses to engage with me on. And so I move along. To find this balance I’ve been prescribed.

This week I’ve had a chance to walk outside. Not far and not really etymon my hear rate up. Enough to keep me from going insane – more insane. The air isn’t recycled and the light unflorecent. A wonderful retreat. I’ve noticed how many leaves we still have on the ground this late into winter and how many still hang into the trees. Many of these leaves lie perfectly on the ground, unscathed by the pedestrians tromping along. Strange. I’ve not been aware of this until this week when I set out intentionally trying to relax. The mind is so interesting when given a task. The direction and method of achieving success can take so many forms.

Was it Jimmy Buffett that sang about changes in attitude, changes in latitude? Maybe that’s what I need. An escape to a warm beach with lots of yummy drinks. Ahh if only. For now it’s just pushing through the next few weeks of commercialism, articles and advice, and all the trimmings that come with the dreadful February day.

Grey day

January 9, 2015

The air hangs heavy this time of year. Hazy skies suppress hope for the coming spring. I noticed today my clothes seemed to mirror Mother Nature and my mood right along with it.

Meloncholy, not real sadness. A hovering blah. I tried to take in whatever sun was willing to push through, but didn’t do a great job.

I had so much time off at the holidays. I could sleep late and lounge as much as I wanted. Getting back to work has been harder than years past. And getting back into the workout routine is like starting over.

I forced myself to drive to the gym instead of head home for an evening nap. I bargained with myself, telling my unwilling soul that I only had to do some weights and then evaluate if I should continue. As date would have it, being January, the workout room was full. I had no choice but to start on the cardio. Once that was complete, I figured I might as well do those weights I was planning on. Somehow I managed to get a full workout in!

My mood hadn’t really improved and tears came on the way home. Tears for nothing more than going to an empty house to eat in front of the t.v. So again I bargained with myself. Enjoy a luxurious shower and pamper myself if I eat healthy and stop the pity train.

A wonderful HOT shower with sweet smelling body wags lathered over my soar, achy muscles followed by thick body lotion. My skin drank in the moisture and my senses came alive with the scent. Feminine. Soft. Vulnerable. And mostly, ok with where I am and who I am spending my night with.

Progress.

2014 in review

January 4, 2015

These year in review stats are fascinating to me. My most popular blog posts are from a couple years ago. They’re topics I still think about, but are far enough removed I don’t write about them. But, maybe it’s time to start again. Haha.

Here’s an excerpt:

Madison Square Garden can seat 20,000 people for a concert. This blog was viewed about 67,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Madison Square Garden, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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