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Chapters of my life

May 27, 2016

The title of my next novel will be, I left the celery in the fridge too long and it wilted. My doctor believes I am pre-menopausal which wasn’t the most awesome news I could have received, especially since I’m in the midst of trying to find myself a mate to join my journey.

The online dating world already is difficult enough, but to add on the changes of life makes it seem futile. I mean, what man would actively sign up to be with an already emotional woman who will have a surge of mood swings? no one raises their hands. I haven’t been incredibly successful finding someone interested when I was somewhat sane!

This digital world wants to see a woman who is on the verge of pornstar mixed with the girl next door. One who will ride a Harley, but shut down the room when she walks in with stiletto heels and diamonds. She must be adventurous, athletic, and domineering while at the same time subservient, non-threatening, and a stereotypical feminine.Now you add in vaginal dryness and lower sex drive? Yes Please, may I live in a strictly platonic relationship for the rest of my years on earth or have my cock rubbed with sandpaper every time I’m aroused – said no man ever.

How do I ask a partner to make a commitment to me when I’m tossing and turning in my sleep and sweating through sheets? An attractive package I have to offer eh?

So what’s the point? It’s evident from the last 5 years of trying to find a “soul-mate” – or rather just a mate – that I am highly unattractive to the opposite sex. Well, besides the occasional romp in the sack. So now I come to the party with the heighten physical and emotional state of ending my reproductive  years with my hands out begging for scraps of attention? No thank you!

I’ve been fighting it for years now, but I think I need to grieve the idea of being mated up and learn to accept the singlehood of my life. I need to stop fighting the waves which continue to drown me and simply give into the ride out to the sea. Hi, I’m confessions, and I will be your third wheel, 7th wheel, 21st wheel for the remainder of the ride.

Naming the chaos

May 18, 2016

Unsurpisedly, I am out of my mind with stress. Unanswered questions lead to over reaction of my anxiety which leads to sleepless nights and crazy thoughts through out the day.

Because of a few things happening in life I haven’t been able to get to the gym to work out the stress with the natural rush of endorphins which has lead to even more stress and anxiety.

3 in the morning guys and in able to stop my mind, I try to force meditation. Middle finger tip to thumb, I concentrate on the energy moving though my body. I imagine the chaos rushing through my cells. I being to name the emotions and u tangle the ball. Helpless. Hopeless. Disconnected. Alone. Isolated. Angry. Depressed. Panicked.

Slowly I can address each feelings, acknowledge it, validate it and move on to the next. My breathing gets deeper. Yes, these are real emotions. Yes, there are real reasons for each. Are they out of perspective because of the darkness of the night? Yes. Are these manageable? Yes.

I make a plan of action for the morning and mentally fold it away. Now it’s time to concentrate on a happier place of tranquility to allow sleep to finally come. I’m not done with what’s stressing me out, and I still have a long period before its complete, but for now I need self care. For now, I need to find a way to give me the love I seek from others.

Locked Up

May 13, 2016

everybody_album_cover_retouched

WRITTEN BY INGRID MICHAELSON
i have taken a wrong turn
when will i learn. when will i learn?
should i show them all my scars?
cherry red bleeding burning red

like an angry apple tree
i throw my apples if you get too close to me
but if i look to my right, will i see the one i fight for
if i look to my right
or if i turn to my left, will i see that i have kept my heart
locked up, locked up so tight

love, love, love is everywhere
but not a drop for me to drink
tie me up and bind my feet
drop me in and watch me sink

like an angry apple tree
i throw my apples if you get too close to me

but if i look to my right, will i see the one i fight for
if i look to my right
or if i turn to my left, we i see that i have kept my heart
locked up, locked up

if i was 17 i could find it in-between
the cushions of somebody’s couch
i could find it. i could find it
if i was 17 i could find it in a dream
a dime a dozen kind of love
i could find it. i could find it
but i’m not 17 and i lost it in-between
the birthday cakes and fast mistakes
that roll by
ba da ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba ba da ba da dum

but if i look to my right, will i see the one i fight for
if i look to my right
or if i turn to my left, we i see that i have kept my heart
locked up, locked up

This is how I feel today. In an effort to widen my daring options, I went back to another online dating site. I’ve been flooded with interest. From spammers and folks looking for an easy hook up. Sigh.

Each time I hold out hope that I could be something a bit more, I have my hopes squashed. I haven’t been called beautiful and sexy so much since it was 2am bar closing call and the left over men were hoping to score. I’m not beautiful or sexy, so I know it’s simply a lame pick up line.

I wonder if I close myself off to opportunity because of trust issues or because I’m in search of an idealistic dream of a caring relationship. In my past experience, if I open myself to my sexual being then there’s not a deeper connection. But, if I hold out for more, there isn’t any takers. Where’s the balance? What’s the right mixture of sexuality vs. intelligence? Not that they’re mutually exclusive, but it feels in today’s era of dating through meat market, it doesn’t seem possible.

Emotions

May 1, 2016

I’ve been getting back to the gym trying to find stress relief with everything going on in life. Winter wasn’t a good time for me in my exercise routine. It was too cold and icy  to get out and my motivation fell off the charts. And, if I’m honest, I didn’t see the point any longer. Sure it was helping me maintain my weight loss, but it wasn’t making me more attractive to the opposite sex. As I previously mentioned, I’m much more of an egotist than I really want to admit.

But life has gotten me in a frenzy again, so I decided I had to do a better job managing the crazy. It’s been nice and seems to be working. But I’ve noticed that my joints feel weaker than when I working out before in part because of some medication I’m taking. The thought came to mind, how would I get to a hospital if I tore my knee or fractured a bone. I have no one who could come to my rescue or help me out. I immediately took my routine down a couple notches. Then proceeded to cry on the way home.

In the past two weeks I’ve had the opportunity to be the extra wheel at social events. The first I spent the night listening to couples share stories of how they met and proposed to. The next I listened to vacation plans and home improvements. Silently cursing being a single person at the events. Thinking about how I don’t fit in and this can be my permanent future. Then cried on the way home.

Emotions seem to be so ready to break out of me without barely any prompting. It’s frustrating to be so fragile. It’s what makes me passionate and compassionate, but it also makes me feel the loneliness even deeper. I’m looking forward to the day I can set the emotions aside and be comfortable just being me alone. I guess I have to grow more patience as I figure this out.

Memories

April 27, 2016

I love coffee. The morning doesn’t start without the savory sensation passing over my lips. Today I decided my love of espresso goes even deeper.

I decided to reward myself because 1. I had a killer workout yesterday 2. I made it out of bed today. Normally I don’t indulge because the cost difference between a cup of coffee and latte is outrageous. Hell, the cost of coffee is outrageous! But I’ll leave my old woman rant for another blog.

As I sipped that joyous, bright sip of latte I was taken back to the early days of coffee houses. It was the end of my college years when the coffee sensation began to rise. My first job out of school, I worked 4am-11am. Heading down to the lobby midway through my day when most people began theirs, I would stop at the coffee cart for a hot, delicious latte. It revived my weary soul. Strong, smooth, savory beans opened my senses.

Today I was 20 years younger, transported back to a simpler time. Remarkably, not much has changed in my life. Still I search for love, struggle to master my career, and search for eternal answers. I wondered then, as I do now, what is my purpose?

But those sips of strong brew always made me feel stronger; full of possibilities. The same small hope began to glimmer. I am stressed beyond the norm as of late and I weep more for my single journey, but I know I’ve got this, whatever “this” happens to be. Well, at least until the latte is drained.

My love/hate relationship with God

April 14, 2016

Dear readers, it probably comes as no surprise that I struggle in my relationship with God. I disappoint him. I can’t pretend he’s ok with the whole affair thing that happened. Then there’s the whole not forgiving thing with the ex. And I might not treat everyone as I want to be treated. I have very human failings. Probably the most prominent is the anger I have with him on multiple occasions.

I am blessed. I have food, shelter, community of faith, warm clothes, friends and family. I’ve never had to survive a natural disaster or begged for food. I’ve never experienced homelessness or having to protect myself from the eliments. And I tell you all this because the rant to follow might make it seem I don’t know that God is watching. He feels very disengaged and distant right now.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve unsuccessfully attempted on multiple occasions to find a mate. Not just someone who wants a physical relationship, but someone who wants to be near me when I’m broken and vulnerable. Someone who will sit with me while I cry tears of anger and fear. Someone who will brainstorm and reassure me things will get better in time, but while I wait for that time he will join me in my journey. Today, I’m feeling especially angry not having that part of me fulfilled.

If you’re a long time reader, you also know that I deal with an emotionally abusive ex who continually tears my soul apart. You know I fight to protect myself and be strong. And I try to fight to protect my kids as best I can. Which brings up the constant frustrating question to God, “why won’t you allow me to be loved and don’t stop the abuse happening? Why is it alright for me to be treated this way?” So today I’m pissed at my humanly conceived notion of injustice because I cry these tears utterly alone.

For the longest time I’ve been asking God why he created me unlovable. What part of my DNA is missing which won’t allow another person to love me for more than a sexual favor? He doesn’t answer, but sends more men to offer up their sexual prowess. And so tonight I cry tears of loneliness which doesn’t appear to be changing.

I think what he’s telling me is he wants me to be unmated. That’s not a bad thing. Thousands of incredible men and women are single and have found great joy in their lives. Maybe it’s just the way I was born? A daisy can wish to be a rose, but nothing in this world will make that happen. A duck can think it should be an eagle, but that won’t change his waddling body. I’m tilting at windmills and hoping God will have mercy to bring me another so I don’t fight alone….but hoping and praying doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have what is required to be seen as someone to live happily ever after with.

What I’m left with now are red eyes, an anxiety-filled heart, angry rants and a plethora of opportunity to master fighting the good fight by myself. I’m still full of a whole basket of resentment and anger towards the good lord, but I have no alternative because I can’t give up as much as I want to throw in the towel. I’ll continue swinging my sword and strengthening my armor, if nothing more than to prove to God he won’t defeat me.

 

Processing

April 4, 2016

Anyone who’s been on the Internet in the last 10 years has seen these memes which preach one is responsible for the negative in their lives because they don’t put out enough positive energy.

I must forewarn you readers this post involves more negative complaints and introspection as I yell at the universe.

First, let me say I’m not always positive, but am overall a positive person. I feel some of my best attributes as a friend and family member is my respect for other people. I’m not possessive and don’t need to be in the spotlight begging for attention. I listen and reserve judgement – for the most part, I am only human and fail at times. I give compassion and understanding without strings. I give love and care about other people. I make decisions that will effect other people with them in mind and spend time analyzing how the outcome will be interpreted.

You know the old saying, let it free and if there’s love it will come back? It’s yet to come back.

So the memes demand of me to put out the energy I want to attract. And I do. I want the love. I want to be important to another person. I want to be heard and card about. That’s what I send out to the universe, but instead I ge the opposite back.

I’m in the dating site, but only get the ones who want sex. None of my images are sexual. None of the text is flirtatious.

I want to build strong relationships with family, but have yet to learn how to develop these. Instead the kids, just like their father, chose lies over truth and self-serving over family-centered.

Should I change who I am to protect my heart? Change my approach to feel less taken advantage of? If I’m treating others the way I want to be treated, but don’t receive that love in return what are my options? Bitterness seems to be the only thing to result if I don’t make some sort of change. I like myself and I like I can give myself, so do I simply accept these consequences?

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