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Re-run

July 15, 2015

If you’ve spent any time on my blog, you know I live my life out loud. You probably wonder if I’ve ever had a thought which wasn’t documented somewhere on social media. It’s who I am and I make no apologies. It works for some people and others are turned off by it.

Lately I’ve been using a Facebook app which shows me previous posts that happened on the same day in different years. It’s meant to spark memories – which it is doing. Unfortunately I’m seeing my marriage falling apart. I see my mistakes, the hurt, the fear. I feel those emotions all over. While I’ve made other memories to share, it’s hard for me and I find myself reliving the hurt and pain.

in an effort to practice self forgiveness I’ve been chanting that I’m not the same person I was back then. I’ve reiterated several times in the past 6 years. There have been failures. There have been successes. I’ve learned new things. Grown more confident in mysel even while I continue to struggle with doubt. And I remind myself I’m not the same person today that I’ll be in 6 years. I’m continuing to grow each day.

then tonight I see an older couple walking with their arms around each other and break down crying. Even in the best of times, I didn’t have that touch. And I wonder if I ever will. I’ve been searching so long to be loved. is it in the cards to for me to have one more chance to be in a relationship? I don’t know what the future holds and try to be optimistic. But when I see the world around me successful in love, I don’t have faith it will be there. And it hurts. And I relive the pain of my failed marriage again.

Sometimes I hear my voice

July 6, 2015

If I were to try to pinpoint an area of constant frustration in my life, it would be the lack of voice I’ve had. The older I get, the more I’m done with being invalidated.

I’m talking about the literal ignoring only a teen engrossed in videos can do and the more broad ignoring of my opinions and ideas. Nothing makes me feel more insignificant than being discounted.

My family who I grew up with is phenomenal at the selective and/or just not caring. I speak my mind and provide clear boundaries, yet they mean nothing. Repeated conversations still do not make a dent in their understanding.

One particular friend has mastered the duck and cover of conversation to the point I don’t share anything about my life and simply listen and encourage her. She’s unaware of the words that are lost because she’s swimming in a sea if self aggrandizement.

Recently I read over some doctor notes from a previous appoinent which went something like this: patient is experiencing pain and has increased leveled of X. Patient is grossly overweight. Running tests, but not expecting anything because patient is grossly overweight. Talked with patient about being grossly overweight. (Paraphrased but not exaggerated). I was devastated when I read this. Heart broken to know this is how a medical professional sees me. Once again completely invalidated. 

My primary physician had just seen me and was astounded by my success at fixing the internal issues I have been battling. Across the board everything has gone down. I am fighting a good fight. She was the one that have me the notes because I was supposed to follow up with this other doctor on the tests. 

So after crying and having a good pity party, I wrote my primary back to let her know if never go back to see him since he’d already made up his mind of he cause. I was clear this was an unacceptable practice to discount patients.

And she hear me. She listened and acknowledged why it woud be upsetting. She agreed if further investigation were needed to send me to a different physician. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt like a real human. This is what normal people feel like all the time! Wow! I could get used to this.

For a moment I felt different. And then I got a text from the famiily member and well, nothing lasts forvever.

A point in time

July 3, 2015

A long holiday weekend means I get to catch up on sleep and be utterly sloth-like, except when my body fights me. I did some conditioning training a few days ago and still can’t walk. I tried swimming yesterday to see if that would loosen the muscles, but it only made things worse. Even with the Tylenol PM I was tossing and turning.

I’m stubborn and refused to get out of bed at 7:30 like my body was urging. Instead I laid there trying to stop my mind and get back to sleep. My mind was simply obnoxious and refused to settle down. I began to think of things I missed – like being able to sleep until noon! Here’s a snippet:

  • Lightening bugs. When I was younger we’d collect lightening bugs at my grandma’s house. It was simple. No bedtimes to worry about, no chores needing to get done. Just dusk and a field.
  • Hearing morning cartoons the kids would put on when I wasn’t quite ready to get up. Feeling safe they were growing independent.
  • The ignorance of my youth. The utter naivety I carried with me well into my young adulthood. Innocence and belief, yet untested, gave me unfounded confidence.
  • Believing I was loved. How easily I got lost in the emotion. Flowers, cards, emails, texts. I felt I meant something to someone. Somehow I had a purpose beyond being an individual.
  • Playing with the kids. Laughing. Trying new things and watching them develop. As any parent of teens can probably tell you, the various stages of kids come with good and bad, but you always look back thinking the last stage was the best.
  • Peace of mind. I can’t even remember the last time I felt truly at ease. Simple. Safe. Secure. Comfortable. How I long for it again.

It changes. Time changes. The list today won’t be the same in week  or a year. I can no more hold on to these things in my past than I can reWrite history. Building blocks of experiences make me who I am. While I dream of finding success, I’ve yet to determine what that means. I think if I found love again, that could be a step in the right direction. Or if I finally find financial security. Or not hurt after exercise. Hell, sleeping until 9 will be a major victory right now!

Time

June 26, 2015

It’s been a year since I began my healthy approach to life. 365 days of behavior modification. While  not going to declare victory, I have learned a few things along the way.

  1. I am not Bathsheba. No matter how often I exercise or how many vegitables I consume, I will not be the object of desire. I see myself in the mirror and I do not meet any level of beauty standards. And it’s ok. I have a good heart and a passion for life that will be attractive to the right person (possibly). 
  2. I may never marry again or even have a long term relationship. And that really is ok. When I begin to feel needy, I ask myself what am I really lacking. I practice finding fulfillment within myself is tea of looking of outside validation. This is still a work in progress. Jealousy often drives my feelings, loneliness jumps in as well. I struggle with the desire to be mated, but refuse to settle for less than I deserve.
  3. Online dating will always baffle me. 
  4. I don’t enjoy running. I don’t enjoy exercise. I do enjoy when I’m done and to sense of accomplishment both on the outside and what’s happening on the inside.
  5. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up, I don’t like kiwi or radishes. 
  6. I love cake. Everyday I hope there’s an occasion to eat cake.as often as I feel lost, I feel strong. Even as I doubt myself, I am confident everything is ok. The teeter-tater of the dichotomy is exhausting and causes me the most stress.
  7. If I continue to work towards being more healthy, eventually I’ll find the peace I desire. I can’t dear being alone and I can’t fear becoming my mom and sister. I have to know that my life will look different because I write the chapters.

So I’ve moved the needle to the right slightly. There’s still much growth needed. I’ll fall. I’ll cry. I’ll be angry. Maybe though, next year when we talk I’ll have mastered a few new life skills.

Triggers

June 12, 2015

I’d say 95% of the time I’m generally happy. I’m content with where I am and the choices I make. You folks get to read about my 5% or which I have apologize. Since my blog is an oulet for the voices in my head, I don’t come here often enough with positiveness.

Today is no exception. I’m struggling with sadness. The kind of deep sadness  that takes away your will to move forward and traps you in one place. As much as I mentally prepare, knowing I’ll be visited by the sadness, I still fall victim. So, I decided I remove myself from the workforce and focus my mind on other things.

Today I wish I had a soulmate who’d sit with me or walk with me. Just be with me and accept my weakness. Not to solve it or to rationalize or change my circumstances. Just someone who sees the hole and doesn’t walk away.

This hole has been a part of me so long, people are tired of acknowledging the space. They’ve moved on and see no reason for me to obsess about the hole. Their platitudes and rationalizations only make the hole feel deeper.

 So I no longer share the hole. My outward facade shows no difference between today or yesterday or tomorrow. I release any one from joining me in the sadness because no one wants to be sad. We don’t go looking for ways to feel bad. It’s my responsibility to maintain status quo and keep those around me at peace rather than share my burdens.

 And that’s why I removed myself from others. Because they’d only ask questions and give answers that make their soul feel ease. I don’t have the strength to carry this sadness while presenting normality. It’s just too much today. The tears are too heavy today.

Changes: a mid-year evaluation

June 11, 2015

The year of me has begun is a molasses pace. It’s definitely not the power bomb I had put forth on January 1.

The past six months I’ve been busy working out, attempting to eat better and looking for the Mr. Right I have in mind. The results are not necessarily a hockey stick of success.

Changes still need to be made. I’m tired of

  • Being judged. I know I’m not supposed to care what people think about the of shape of my ass or the lump of fat below my belt line or how I look like an overstuffed sausage in my swimsuit, but I do. The lack of romantic interest exacerbates my feelings if inadequacy. There could be several reasons for another human to find me unappealable besides my body shape, so why do I go to the easy fallback position?
  • Not feeling worthy. The dating sites are filled with men talking about their need for a loyal woman. Am I loyal? Yes. Was I loyal for 15 years? Yes. Did I cheat? Yes. Was I in a long-term relationship with a married man? Yes. Should I still be considered worthy enough to potentially date? Yes! Yet I never consider reaching out to those men because I just can’t go through my journey one more time.
  • Hearing about other people’s happiness. God bless social media and all it’s superficial bullshit. I’m inundated with people getting engaged, married, having babies and taking fabulous vacations. Everyone I know is able to buy a house, get a dog and upgrade their car. What’s worse is when the people whom I’m closest to are all experiencing big lfe moments. I have a friend who went on for 10 minutes about how her credit was so incredible that the bank is practically going away money to her to but a house. Uggh.
  • Wanting more, but not knowing how to change want to action. Maybe it’s my impatience. Or maybe it’s putting value on things that don’t mean as much I think they do. The mud I’m stuck in seems to be hardening.
  • Wondering why people chose to leave me and what I need to do to become compelling. This motivates all the negative emotion in the list above. This is the first thing that need to be removed, exocised, thrown out in order for me to find peace and move forward. Changing this thinking will ultimately change how I view myself and where I fit into the world. It’s the first step to finding the peace. Now, I just have to take the first step to change. 

What I know

June 4, 2015

It’s not much. Every day I realize how little I actually know and how much changes around me. Things are fluid and the more I hold on, the more self-induced stress I have. 

I’m pretty sure the Prince Charming who will sweep me off my feet will overlook me because I’m grocery shopping in sweaty sweatpants after an exhausting workout. Or I’ll be wiping off melted chocolate chips from my cleavage as I eat cookies in the sun.

I’m pretty confident the magpie that dive bombs me at lunch will one day take out my eye. He’s so angry with the crowd that fills his spot at lunch that he’ll lose control and fly too close. His warning squaks not hitting my ears fast enough.

I’m fairly confident that I don’t fit traditional definition of an attractive woman and therefore will need more substance to find the right mate.  Which I thought I had in the bag. Compassion, caring, nurturing, laughing, thoughtful and insightful. Those are a few traits I’d label myself without feeling too boastful. 

Yet I think about where I am. This point in my life. No one has left me or ended a relationship with me because of how I looked. The people who have walked away knew me. The whole me. My strengths and my weakness. So I’m not all that I once thought I knew.  And the things I believe I’ll bring to a relationship are rather limited, in the big picture. I won’t bring fortune or fame to anyone. I can’t buy the material desires of a potential love.  Not going to go on a great adventure or explore the nether regions of the world. When you look at this, as the transaction it actually is, I’m taking more than giving in any potential new relationship.

So  I’m left to wonder, why me? If what I have to offer isn’t what people want, then how do I survive the market? When everything is about the brand, what does my brand provide?

It’s just one more thing I dont know in an ever growing list of thigs that baffle my mind. Like people who carry their dog in their purse. I just don’t understand. 

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