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Lane closed ahead

October 26, 2015

i needed to get gas so I headed to a place I could get a discount, about a mile from home. Half way there I run into congestion which is a bit unusual for the area. It isn’t until I get to the intersection I notice my lane is closed. No signage to warn me until here. Uggh! I make my way over and navigate my way further when I see the next intersection full of cones and colored orange. I decide to turn instead of merge only to find the entire intersection torn up, covered in metal plates and more blocked lanes. Sigh. I’m stuck. Now once I get gas, I must go back onto this street and navigate my way through the miserable construction.

i feel stuck. Trapped. My options are limited and no matter the choice I make, it’s wrong.

This is a living analogy for my life right now. I feel stuck. I’m trapped. And every choice I make seems to be the wrong one. While I know it’s temporary, just like navigating a different way home will be free from obstacles, I am angry at where I am. I scream at the illogical mess. Furious I can’t figure a way around this or avoid it all together.

I’m ready for an easy road. A simple path that leads to success. I feel defeated and it’s hard for me to see the clear way ahead. I wish I had an outlet. I do have an outlet, but I hate to admit I’m so far down that the idea of working out is too much. Even baby steps feel to big to take. I’m at the breaking point so I have to do something. Doing things differently, looking at things differently, finding a way to accept the circumstances. The normal things I’ve needed to work on for five years now. When am I going to change? How much more work do I need to do? What would it be like to simply be?

The hamster wheel

October 14, 2015

i’m stuck in circular logic – or rather illogic. I’m hung up on the idea of being unlovable. The ex tells me I’ll never be loved. Of course he does. He’s vicious and angry and needs to destroy someone else in order to feel better about himself. But he’s not the first person in my life to share this observation.

My mind is spins out of control. Searching out every inch of my mind to find examples to support this theory. Like a huge Velcro glove, is attracts every negative thought and image. Reminds me of every failure. I begin to become a mathematician and try to solve for y to determine what is missing in my dna.

am I too short, too fat, too loud, not opinionated enough, too opinionated? Is my smile wrong, do I have the wrong eye color, am I the wrong faith, am I too polical or. It political enough? Should I be more educated and more intellectual or should I dumb myself down and doll myself up? Why doesn’t the universe give me the answers or at least have exit surveys for the ones who have given me a hard pass?

The ego desperatel tried to find its voice to defend against the slamming evidence. E en through huffing and puffing of hard exercise, I cannot change the theme running in my head. My lack of athletic ability actually feeds those voices and build sits case against me finding a love, a companion.

Then there are societal messages entering the conversation. A meme floating around social media of. Woman in panties and bra kneeling at the feet of her man, undressing him. The caption tells how she needs to meet his need all his needs from hunger to leisure and to ,”not let some single broad tell you otherwise”. And Michelle Duggar giving advice to Christian woman to joyfully give yourself to your husband no matter your own desires or wishes. Our purpose, so she says, is to ensure the husband is sexually satisfied at all costs. Is this why I’m still single? Because, holy hell, I’m not being a possession in my next relationship. While I will love and care for another, I will. It be so submissive as to lose myself, my thoughts, my feelings to uphold his ego. Absolutely not. Besides, I did much of this for over 15 years of marriage and still did not receive love or respect.

Is it even possible for a person to be unlovable? I guess maybe I should ask Elenor Rigby or Father McKenzie….perhaps they know the answer to the algebreic equation. I simply need to know .what thT y represents so I can become worthy enough to love. Or maybe I just need to figure a way to quiet the voices to get some sleep.

Blood moon changes

October 1, 2015

The full moon gets blamed for all sorts of erratic behavior, so I might as well jump on board. Although I wouldn’t define me as erratic. It’s just time for some changes.

Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. I’ve been in a funk for a couple weeks thinking about what could have been. Most people at the two decade mark celebrate with parties or trips. I have tears. Regret. Anger. As the ex continues his insanity – worse as of late – I am again begging God to answer why he’s ok with me staying in a toxic relationship. I left my marriage to be healthier. Blockades gets in my way.

It’s time to change perspective. Look at what I can control and change. It started with a new hair style. Something different so I can look in the mirror and reimagine my future.

Next, I disable the online dating  profiles. These are supposed to bring me hope of finding the perfect mate,but instead they fill my head with negativity. Each person who doesn’t reply, each new time a guy solicits a sexual encounter, I’m reminded how far I am for what I need. It makes me feel empty. I get stuck, again wondering why I am unlovable. Each time I check to find no conversations, I reinforce my thoughts. It has to stop. The best way is to remove myself.

Lastly, I have recommitted myself to finding my own interests starting with becoming stronger. I’m going to try my hand at some strength training. A small routine to add to my cardio to begin with. Hopefully it will help with my flexibility and tension. I’m also going to try to spend more time outdoors until the weather turns. The fresh air rejuvenates me. I’ve set a goal to do more reading and less television. And lastly, I’m considering participating in NaNoWrMo, which is the national writing month. The idea is to write a novel in 30 days. I’m not sure if I have the time, but it will at least give me some creative outlet.

The year of me hasn’t been. I’m disappointed bordering on exhausted trying to make it happen. So, time for a different plan and different action.Maybe I won’t ever have “my year”, maybe it will be a series of “not yetis.”. Who knows. It’s just time to refocus on the changes needed.

Rom com and the media

September 18, 2015

i read they’re making a third Bridgette Jones Diary and so decided to do a marathon to remind of the first two. A night with Colin Firth and Hugh Grant can’t be all that bad, right?

I’ve not always been a huge rom. I’m fan, but since the divorce I’ve learned to appreciate the fairytale, always happy ending genre. As I began discovering the movies, they gave me hope. Lately, I’ve been focusing too much on the impossibilities.

There are two lines from the movie set which sit on my heart. In the first film, Bridgette and Mark are doing the typical dance of interest. The common misconception the gentleman doesn’t like the lady when in fact he’s pining for her. Mark declare to Bridgette that he likes her just the way she is. Those words! The acceptance! Being found desirable when you’re a bumbling, woman. Isn’t that my inner desire I write about daily? Could it be possible this type of thing. Old really happen?

in the second film, Bridgette and Mark are having a fight after lawyer party which Bridgette came across less sophisticated than Mark’s peers. She is embarrassed Nd feels the tension. She tells Mark all she wants is someone to fight for her. God how would that be? Someone who wants me enough to stand up for me and wants to have me with them. Someone who doesn’t want to lose me.

The media manipulates us into thinking everything is possible if there’s just enough cosmic energy in your favor. A plain, loud, overweight woman can attract sophisticated, debanare man.

Let’s be honest, it’s all a good story. The other day listening to the radio, the dj discussed a study has done about the characteristics men and women are looking for. Apparently, women look for a man who has a dog, is an executive, has brown hair, blue eyes, and average build. Men on the other hand, are looking for slender, tall, brown hair, blue eyed girls. Interesting how, according to their survey, women are looking for more personality qualities and men are looking for a trophy. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the uphill climb to fig through the bs.

Then I read a headline about a “plus-size” model breaking the fashion world by being a lingerie model. This “plus-size” is a size 16! Jesus I don’t stand a chance. But wait, Lane Bryant is starting a echo,e new campaign #plusisequal. An attempt to promote all beauty, no matter what size. Yet all these women are tall, firm, and have no cellulite in sight. And so once again, the media is telling women they must look clean and sleek, firm and strong in order to be desirable. Again, I’m on the losing end of the message.

Which brings me to the whole frustration that these campaigns are really only trying to tell women they need to convince men they’re fuckable. Everything says, “men, shame on you for only sexualizing size 2 models. Sexialize all women!” How easily we women get caught up in the message that we are only worthy of being a fuck. Once we lose or if we never have that sex factor then we are unworthy of finding a mate.

Ok, getting back on point. Bridgette Jones Diaries is focused on love sprouting out of sexual conquests. This genre which is targeted at women, uses our insecurities to manipulate us into believing we can find true love if only we can be a good enough lay. I won’t lie. I really am enjoying reviewing more of these films, but I would love to see more that empower women to be desired and loved based on something other than sexual prowess. A man eho falls madly for a scientist or teacher. A lover who is enraptured with their mates soul over her bras size.

But maybe all this rant is because I’ve yet to find a man who would be interested in me for a solid relationship. I’m skewed by my personal experiences. Perhaps I need to get off my soapbox and figure out how I can get Colin Firth to notice me!

On continuing to be single

September 15, 2015

I came across this on Facebook tonight. It is very positive look at what a lot of single people struggle with as we try to find the right mate. For me, it reminds me I do t have to fix myself or perfect myself to be worthy of a relationship. And I, like millions of others, still are single despite our ability to be loved.

Patience. Acceptance. Perspective. Keep those spinning on the plates of life and eventually, with any luck, we’ll find the right fit.

Online Dating

September 3, 2015


My fortune made me laugh. Why would someone keep their feelings hidden when all I’ve been asking the universe for is someone to love me? Ridiculous! Right?

So far this week, my online dating is making me shake my head. First, someone whom I went out with about 4 years ago contacted me out of the blue. And with no recollection we’d gone out before. He was in fact the worst first date I’d ever been on – rude, dismissive, angry, and uneducated. He asked at the end of our date if we would go out again and I told him no.

That’s why I was surprised when he sent an all-capped message “HI GORGEOUS. I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO DINNER.” I clicked on his profile to make sure it was the same person. It was. Of course, he saw I viewed the profile and sent another all-capped message with the same request. I ignored the message. This is pretty normal protocol for the online dating world, so when he sent one more all-capped message “YOU COULD HAVE SAID THANK YOU”, I had to laugh. What a playful imp this universe is turning out to be.

Then today I received an email from a man I’ve never contact or viewed with the message “no”. Hahah! What??? Was he passing along and felt so compelled to be sure I would never be inclined to solicit his interest that he had to make  preemptive strike to protect me from contacting him? What the hell mister stranger. Your safe. I’m going after you. He’s one I wouldn’t have been looking at anyway which makes it even funnier.

Sigh….I’m hiring someone to fix my profile!




September 2, 2015

i really need to have a therapist on call rather than let my mind try to sort things out. It would be much faster to resolve issues eating away at me.

My quest to become healthy is a delicate journey. I was having great success. Until I wasn’t. For the longest time I couldn’t pin point where I got off track. Excuses pile up and become scapegoats. It really began last winter when I got a less than supportive response to all my efforts from family who hadn’t seen me for awhile. This summer built on that as they continue to lack recognizing my efforts. And let’s be honest, there wasn’t a lot of success after the ego blow months earlier.

Add in the normal, everyday stresses of the ex and work it doesn’t take much for the efforts to be minisucal.

Today, as I was having a particularly stressful afternoon, I strolled outside thinking how much I wish I never quit smoking. I am grateful I stopped – for health and economics. But these stressful moments which trigger that same desire to smoke also trigger my need to comfort myself with junk food. Sadly, I wasn’t making the connection until now. So, I have the choice as to what I do with this information. Is tomorrow another junk food day or is it a breathe of fresh air, deep breathing, excercise day? And the big question- do I have the discipline to put myself back on track?

Fall/winter are my hardest emotional months fighting the deep loneliness the seasons bring. am I ready for the work it will take to keep me on track?

A friend of mine recently had a birthday. Friend is a lose term I guess. We could have been friends if I hadn’t fucked it up. Literally. My impulsive, self-destructive behavior included a one night stand which ended my marriage and roped him into phenomenal drama he never asked to be a part of.

For the past five years I have emailed him birthday wishes. He responded with requests for phone calls. I don’t have the strength of character to face my mistakes by talking to him for long period of time. So this year I skipped the email and have been wondering if he noticed.

Now what sits in my cerebral cortex is this overwhelming doubt I can convince someone to love me. How am I not able to convert a person to see me as more?

Okcupid has users answer questions to help create more successful matches. There let in my mind, is a hair of the questions are all sexually based. I don’t answer those because. I don’t need someone I work with or go to church with reading about my sexuality. I also don’t want to start another relationship based on sex so I’d rather we match one much different level. The irony, of course, is I could probably meet the sexual desires of most men since I love it as much as the next person.

What I believe, is my lack of response in this area is keeping me. From reaching out. Am I saying men are shallow? I think so. Or I’m compensating to protect my fragile ego from uncovering the truth of being unmatchable. I am stewing and chewing, wondering if there is something I could change about myself to make myself a more desirable person. And I’m tired. What I wouldn’t give for someone to tell me I don’t have to keep changing or reinventing myself to be worthy of love.

Driving home, this played. A perfect ending to they day. And my plea for the world!

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