Can we spend the night together?
An email from my lover tells me that there might be a time in the near future in which we can have extended time together. His family will be heading out-of-town for a brief time. Now please look at that in bold….extended time.
Automatically I jump to the “OMG we get to spend the night together!” After all that phrase combined with an empty house, right? I go into instant panic mode. I haven’t spent the night with someone for what could be forever. Specifically because of my choices to be with married men. We have our fun, kiss goodbye and then go our separate ways.
So why am I panicking? One – I have the bed to myself. I sleep crazy. I move from one side to the other, roll around and wrap the blankets around myself like a burrito. Kick, wiggle, move…. now how am I supposed to host someone in my bed overnight? They’ll run out screaming they need sleep!
Second, and really most concerning, this is what I’ve wanted. Remember a few posts ago how I was complaining that we’ve never spent a night together? Because the line between sex and love is being blurred. I’m putting a lot of weight on being able to have a night together because it would validate these emotions. Does it really mean that much to be able to go to sleep and wake up with him though? Isn’t it just another opportunity to have more sex? It’s sleeping and I’m making it into this grand gesture of undying passion.
Then I stop and think. How can he spend the night with me? There’s a good chance his wife would call him at home, check in with him – expect he would be there. Does that mean I would spend the night at his house? No – then there’s stray hairs and perfumes to worry about. Neighbors discovering me there. In all of reality there’s no way we could spend the night in each other’s arms.
I go back to read his email, day dreaming of what I want, when I read it more clearly. No where does he say we are spending the night together. Those hours of panic are all for not. Why do I do that?? Why do I so quickly jump to conclusions only then to be hurt because things don’t happen as I thought they would? I breed disappointment because of my own actions.
Sometimes all I can do is shake my head and wonder. Oh well – at least we still have the sex right?