What do you do?
When breathing doesn’t help? You have to wait for the beginning of the week to call to get answers and wait to hear back from interviews. Left alone to have anxiety eat away inside you. Praying like a death row inmate awaiting the Governor’s call. The more you scream out for help, the tighter your chest feels.
When everything you walk by in the store reminds you of your past lover? Lingerie, lube, the soap he used, dresses you could have used for those back seat encounters. Memories which once brought you comfort now are stabbing at your brain.
What do you do when all you want to do is hide away? When sleep won’t come? When changing your scenery and moving about won’t let you escape the dread? When you can’t find your happy place because of the junk that clutters the walkway and pollutes the potential serene?
I walk in the unseasonably warm evening trying to push the tears out. Finally I’m alone and can release the pent up fear, anger, panic but they won’t fall. Like when you’re nauseous and you know how much better you’ll feel if you can just get out that bug in your stomach. But my life doesn’t work that way, it waits until the most inopportune time to let the water works go.
For a good 10 minutes I stand in front of the roll of cookie dough and imagine me driving and eating the sweet, raw treat; maneuvering the wheel in one hand while munching down on a huge gooey mess. Yummmm. Until I feel physically ill from my painted picture. I walk away empty handed.
I can’t come up with anything that gives me distraction from everything rattling about. So what do you do when you no longer want to be with yourself, but you can’t get you to leave?