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What do you do?

March 5, 2012

When breathing doesn’t help? You have to wait for the beginning of the week to call to get answers and wait to hear back from interviews. Left alone to have anxiety eat away inside you. Praying like a death row inmate awaiting the Governor’s call. The more you scream out for help, the tighter your chest feels.

When everything you walk by in the store reminds you of your past lover? Lingerie, lube, the soap he used, dresses you could have used for those back seat encounters. Memories which once brought you comfort now are stabbing at your brain.

What do you do when all you want to do is hide away? When sleep won’t come? When changing your scenery and moving about won’t let you escape the dread? When you can’t find your happy place because of the junk that clutters the walkway and pollutes the potential serene?

I walk in the unseasonably warm evening trying to push the tears out. Finally I’m alone and can release the pent up fear, anger, panic but they won’t fall. Like when you’re nauseous and you know how much better you’ll feel if you can just get out that bug in your stomach. But my life doesn’t work that way, it waits until the most inopportune time to let the water works go.

For a good 10 minutes I stand in front of the roll of cookie dough and imagine me driving and eating the sweet, raw treat; maneuvering the wheel in one hand while munching down on a huge gooey mess. Yummmm. Until I feel physically ill from my painted picture. I walk away empty handed.

I can’t come up with anything that gives me distraction from everything rattling about. So what do you do when you no longer want to be with yourself, but you can’t get you to leave?

13 Comments leave one →
  1. March 5, 2012 12:03 pm

    I wish I had a good answer for you. So often I dont want to be in my own life. I dream of a life that I cant have with A. On those days I make for some pretty terrible company. I know the times I do get to spend with A make me a better person with a bigger heart. All I do is hope the next hour is better than this last one. Hope your day gets brighter:)

  2. March 8, 2012 6:22 am

    Do anything that makes you feel better that isn’t destructive or self destructive.

    You know this already, but you won’t feel this way forever. You’ll feel better faster than you know.

    If you feel like you can concentrate, now might be a good time to read. Hit the public library, hang out with family.

    If you’re not ready for that, sleep, mindless TV, and chicken soup. Heartache isn’t all that different from the flu, in the end.

    • March 8, 2012 7:24 pm

      I am reading a lot. Found a mystery writer that writes funny, quick reads. That does help. Also, getting out of my cacoon of dispair is vital. I have to force myself, but it’s always better when I do.

  3. March 11, 2012 12:16 am

    Try to lose yourself in a non-addictive distraction, I guess!
    It’s a great question, though.

  4. March 11, 2012 12:25 am

    Maybe some exercise like a hike or a bike ride.

    • March 11, 2012 9:58 pm

      I believe that is a good solution. The problem I find is when I should get out to exercise is the time I can’t force myself to do it. Ugghh

      • March 11, 2012 10:24 pm

        I am so with you for the last two weeks I’ve been telling myself I’d go for a walk with the dogs after I put the boys to bed and I just can’t do it. I always feel so much better when I do though. Maybe this is the week….

      • March 12, 2012 12:32 pm

        I hope this is our week!

  5. Another mistress permalink
    March 17, 2012 3:56 pm

    It’s classic, isn’t it? This pitching into love and keeping everything secret and enjoying passionate sexual encounters… then the desire for more (more time, more sex, a wider range of experiences together, a whole night, a trip, more love)…. But then he essentially makes it impossible to continue, creates an ending (the man usually, I think, forces the mistress to end it, allows the situation to become so poignant that, for her own sanity, the mistress finally says: stop, stop if you are not going to give me more, be with me, really care for me). I have been there once, and it was in the end unbelievably painful, and I am now in another relationship where I’m yet again the mistress. I keep wanting to get my head around defining things differently Would you do it again– same man, same terms? Would you do it again– different man, different terms? Or– and this is something I’d welcome comments on from anyone out there– are different terms even possible– or is it always the same old story all over again?

    • March 18, 2012 11:00 pm

      You bring up great questions. I would like to use them in my next blog post. Right now I’m trying to think what my answers would be.

      • anothermistress123 permalink
        March 19, 2012 7:39 am

        I really look forward to your response! I have more thoughts myself, but I”ll wait to see what you say next before sharing them.

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