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Anatomy of an Affair pt. 4

September 8, 2013

Mistresses are labeled as weak and co-dependent. Often times we’re seen as having self -esteem issues. I believe – no, I know they are wrong. A woman who stays in a long-term affair must be incredibly strong. While she has an ally in her partner, she still has to walk day-to-day as just one person.

She has to be strong enough to know her partner could end the affair at anytime. The last kiss that day or night, might just be the last one of all. She has to be strong enough to let go of any idea of control. And yes, I did say that she was strong to give up the control. Those naysayers out there say a woman is weak because she doesn’t take control. But how strong is it to be in a “virtuous” relationship?

Often times it’s said one finds their faith in times of difficulty. It’s easy to walk the chosen path when there’s no rocks or ledges. It’s when you’re faced with uncertainty that you must turn control over to a higher power in order to see faith in action. No, I don’t believe being a mistress is an act of God. I’m simply saying that letting go sometimes allows you to more fully know your relationship.

Newly weds live in that honeymoon phase. Then life interferes with bliss and it’s all hands on deck to determine how you’ll work together. You have to make compromises and give up having your way. The same as any mistress does as her lover walks out the door to be in the arms of his wife.

Single mistresses also have the joy of walking an independent life. While those rightly mated up go to parties, movies, concerts, vacations together, mistresses get to do these things with friends and family. The loneliness can be crushing at times. The yearning to have her lover at her side palpable. She must have the strength to soldier onward.

As I try to find a suitable single mate, I also realize how convenient it is to have a partner who doesn’t make demands on your time. I don’t ever go out when I have the kids because I see them so little, I don’t want to waste any time. And I’m not introducing them to strangers who may or may not stay in my life. I work full-time, serve at a local non-profit, have friends, and other commitments which makes my time slim. A real relationship would need more time to nourish than I really have. Already I hear comments about  slow responses and busy days. When I was in an affair, it was easy to continue on in my life while still giving the time to my lover that we needed to grow our relationship. Of course, it wasn’t as deep a relationship as I had wanted, but when you have only a few hours to give it was perfect.

So, the next time you want to harshly judge a woman who has found herself in the arms of another man, just remember she’s out there doing the job of two while you’re in the house complaining about a man who just doesn’t do enough.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. September 9, 2013 10:45 pm

    Thank you…

    • September 9, 2013 11:35 pm

      You are so strong!

      • September 11, 2013 8:21 pm

        Thank you. I didn’t really feel that way last night. I felt ready to throw in the towel because I didn’t want to be “second string” any more (I don’t know why, all of a sudden, that bothered me — it’s not like I’ve ever been “first string” with the husband…).

  2. The lonely one permalink
    September 10, 2013 4:44 am

    Was there a pt3 to this which I missed?
    Great post as usual… We need to be strong (regardless of whether we really are or not) to handle the uncertainties of our relationship and to be able to let go and return him to the ‘virtuous’ side when needed. We need to handle the expectations and disappointments knowing that he may not be there at the end of day. .

    • September 10, 2013 12:33 pm

      Lol! No I skipped right over 3. Oops!

      Do you ever wonder what it’s like for the MM? How it feels to return home and hide us in the back of their minds? If they ever have anxiety we might end things?

      I wish I knew someone who could guest blog from that perspective. Maybe that could be part 3.

      • The lonely one permalink
        September 10, 2013 4:09 pm

        Lol! Yeah. I hope we can see a pt3 on that too! I’ve actually never thought of it until you mentioned. But I think men somehow are able to compartmentalize things (including us) easily. And if one compartment is no longer available or serving its purpose, they have no qualms in shutting that compartment down. They can empty it while waiting for someone else or something more exciting to fill it maybe…. I don’t know…. Some MMs’ perspective, or maybe views from men in general, might be useful in teaching us how to better handle our own emotions?

      • September 11, 2013 12:03 am

        Yes I do think they compartmentalize, but I think we do as well. I mean, we can’t go around talking at the MM right? Thus, why I started to blog.

        If I ever come across a MM who would be willing to share his experience, I’ll put it up here.

      • September 11, 2013 8:24 pm

        Loverman is just as scared as I am that he will “lose” me. We’ve talked about it before — he’s just better at masking his feelings on the outside (and then says hurtful things when he’s starting to feel that way).

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