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Anatomy of and affair Pt.5

October 4, 2013

I guess it’s about time to talk about realistic expectations in an affair. By now you’ve learned the ecstasy of an illicit affair. Passion. Erotic. Thrlling.

Now you begin to wonder if there’s a chance for it to go further. Consciously or unconsciously, you start calculating the odds of success. The chances the married person will leave their spouse are slim, but there’s a part of you that gets wrapped in the possibilities.

An affair gives you a myopic view, but it’s your only view so you think it’s the right view. You see the way your partner in the affair is being treated and perceive you would treat him so much differently. When you two meet, it’s fire and magic. The limited time together give way to affection and attention. Both of you are on your best behavior. You’re giving all of your heart to one another. How else could you be? Moments are precious and can’t be wasted on fights or disagreements.

The off balance seems to be level because you know nothing else. And so now you have convinced yourself that you should be with your mate all the time. Conversations flirt around the “what would it be like” without either of you asking for more. You can’t ask for more. If you demand your lover leave his wife for you, then you’ve opened the door for failure. But you wish that he’d see what you have to give and want him to want you more. In those lonely moments when you are apart, you can have a diatribe of why he should be with you all the time. You plan your life and watch the birds land on your white post fence.

Unfortunately, you have to erase those thoughts because the odds of success are not in your favor. Think of it as Vegas. You are sitting next to a big winner and get caught up in the possibilities, but the truth is, the house always wins and you go home empty. Sure, some affairs end in marriage, but more often than not, affairs end and each of you go your own way.

No doubt, many if you read this and blame my circumstances on my point of view. Perhaps. I’m here to tell you as one who played in the land of what ifs that the hard truth is, married people don’t leave for their lovers. Divorce takes and emotional and financial toll. It’s no a simple decision to leave. If there was an intention to divorce, it would have been before he/she ever hooked up with an extra marital affair.

I don’t want to discourage love. While you’re at the height of your affair, it’s beautiful and wonderful. My caution, from one who’s been through it, is keep your eyes open and keep your perspective. Good luck all and I hope you can break the bank! I love a great under dog story and will be cheering you on.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. njuri permalink
    October 4, 2013 4:44 pm

    It’s indeed unfortunate that some people go into affairs and begin to hope that their lover will leave their marital partner. You are so correct, most to don’t. I know of a few that have. And they seem to be happy for a while but then he or she just starts to wander again.

  2. October 4, 2013 5:41 pm

    Lotta truth here

  3. Anon permalink
    October 4, 2013 7:44 pm

    I agree with all that you say. And I am 3months into a relationship with someone that left.

    We have been together over 3 years and not once did I push or ask them to leave and I promised I never would, we had a difficult situation more so than most. But I am 110% certain that they never lied to me. They were having problems in marriage way before I came along and that again I am certain off. We started our relationship out of the blue, but it just grew stronger and stronger. I left my marriage almost a year in but not for them. I got insecure and 18months in had a one night stand, they caught me and I almost lost them but I fought and still do to this day to prove my love and my goodness I love them more than anything!! 18 months later they leaves as pressures at home becomes to much. It has been incredibly emotional, draining and difficult for all involved and I’ve had to stay strong on many levels to support them even when I wanted to break down but so far it’s more than worth it. We love, respect, honour and appreciate each other we take nothing for granted. Yes they could go back and I have to keep reminding myself of this but I believe we can make it we have something rare and unique. We are still in hiding, but once things have settled we will come clean 3-6 months we feel, but we do so many things. We have managed 6 weekends away and many one nighters we go out and do everything a normal couple does, dinners in and out, shopping, cinema, walks, lunch, breakfast, spas, shows and so much more and we are so affectionate, even in public.

    The past 3yrs have been some of the hardest times in my life but also the happiest and despite everything I would only change 1 thing, my betrayal. Neither of us have been intimate with our exs since we have been together. I wouldn’t change a thing as it has made us who we are with the bond that we have. We know what we have done is wrong but it has made us the people we are in the relationship we are in and if we can survive all of this nothing can come between us. We will survive!!!! They give so much more since they have left. We weren’t like other A we only told one another a few times that we loved each other as it didn’t feel right because we were married, yet we couldn’t fight those feelings, we both knew we could feel it with every touch, look, a message, or just feel it. We held back a bit, more so them and still do because we are hiding (that is my choice as well as there’s) we see each other every day without fail 3-4nts spent together a week and have so much planned, it feels like we’re truly dating and it’s as magical as day one in so many ways and in others more amazing.

    I feel guilty and ashamed of the path I have took but I know deep down its because it’s the one I’m meant to take. But that doesn’t make it right that I know.

    We have a long way to go yet, but are at the beginning of the rest of our lives and all we see is many years of happiness 🙂

    Wishing you all happiness too and much love in your lives. Happy endings can happen but the journey you take is the hardest to tackle and many won’t make it but if you are meant to be then you will xx

  4. Anon permalink
    October 7, 2013 10:10 am

    Thank you, I’m sure we will need it at times but at the moment things are good!

    But I’m always open to advice from anyone we all need that and support! I love your blog and well done for staying strong for you I know how hard that can be xx

  5. Hope permalink
    October 7, 2013 5:10 pm

    Confessions, per usual, you hit on so many good points. Affair expectations and realities could easily be a 3 or 4 part series. In my own case, the former lover wasn’t married but in a long term relationship. He had been married 3 times previously and to my knowledge all ended for other reasons rather than an EMR. I am not married.

    You nail it when you advise to keep eyes open and perspective. I never once asked, or even wanted him to leave his long-term relationship, so thankfully, we were able to avoid those discussions, but even in knowing and adhering to the boundaries of our relationship, I could never completely tamp down or eliminate the desire to see or hear from him more. Most of the time I did a good job hiding these desires and accepting the reality. Other times I would sink into such a state (by myself, always) questioning why he couldn’t make more time for me and why I seemed to be the one arranging and rearranging my schedule to make us work. After all, he was retired, his children grown while I’m nearly 20 years younger and working full time. These thoughts caused a lot of internal turmoil and anxiety. To bring up the issue was risking the rightful response of “well, you knew what we were both getting into when we started.” So, on the surface I kept my perspective, but these competing thoughts were slowly eating away at me. My downfall came when I learned some information that I felt he was hiding from me–a lie by omission if you will. For whatever reason it became the last straw and I called him on it. It was unpleasant, but not ugly. There was no D-day, just an ending that ended over email.

    It’s been a year since I last saw or heard from him, but what I came to realize is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I wanted (and want)–friendship, companionship, passion, and love in a man whose attention isn’t divided. If I could add anything to your already fine points I would say to certainly have perspective about the relationship you may find yourself in, but also be realistic about the kind relationship you really want. Perhaps if I had been honest with myself on both fronts I would have saved myself a world of heartache and disappointment.

    PS. On a different note, I don’t know if you’re up to taking requests, but would you ever consider writing a post or two about having no contact with Steve? One of the many things I’ve really enjoyed and admired about your blog is the even handed way you write about your experience and your former lover. I have so many questions and would be interested in hearing your thoughts since it’s been nearly a year for you as well. Maybe others would be as well. Thanks 🙂

    • October 10, 2013 12:34 pm

      I think you’re strong to take the time to discover what you need and want. Learn what about unavailable men is attractive. I too spend time reflecting on that. Actually why I started this Anatomy of Affair series.

      I’d be happy to write about my break up. Give me some time as life is busy right now.

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