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Anatomy of an Affair Pt 6

November 13, 2013

Many people are coming to the blog under the search “how to end an affair”. I thought I should write to the topic, but I am by no means an expert. In fact, if Steve hadn’t ended it, I’d still be in an affair. I know the critics will have a field day with the truth and all the implications of the statement.

I guess what I can write about is the end of a relationship with the added benefit of a knowing the uncomfortable feelings of a mistress. And maybe give some perspective to those who might be considering ending an affair.

When you’re in a relationship you know better than anyone else what you’re intimately feeling towards the other person. Are you hiding feelings, holding back doubt, avoiding confrontation? Do you feel fulfilled? Partnerships are a living, breathing animal. There’s highs and lows; giving and taking. I’ve found in my limited experience there are times when things feel extremely disconnected and times where soul mate doesn’t describe the depth of connectivity. Sometimes you can be passive while others you need to dig in and work.

Spend some time deep in thought with yourself and you’ll know if it’s time to end an affair. Most mistresses who have the strength to cut the tie, I believe, come to an understanding they want more – and more importantly that they deserve more. For myself, I kept waiting for the right guy to come along so I felt justified in leaving Steve. To be honest, I think he held on longer than he intended hoping I’d find someone else too. It would ease any feelings of guilt for the affair going on so long and be an easier transition for everyone. But, as fate would have it, no one came a knocking on my door and so he had to rip the bandaid off.

To end a long-term affair, you have to accept the premises you put in place – the blinders you put so as to continue this type of relationship are flawed. It takes thick skin to address the disconnect between the intense feelings you have vs. the reality of the relationship. For example, the reason you two are together may be because something is missing at home for one or both of you. While the affair is strong you can provide the missing link for each other. Over time it’s hard to maintain that middle ground. Some people are perfectly capable of distinguishing between life and non-life and are able to cease before the lines get blurred. Others, like myself, keep those blinders on and justify why things aren’t perfect and even go so far as to offer excuses.

I can tell you, from looking back, the number of excuses I used. Everything from “well when we’re together it’s so right” to “no available man is interested anyway”. How many times I wanted more. How many times I wanted to be that special person to someone. So in those moments of attention, my desires were fulfilled. And in the moments of distance my insecurities ate away at me.

Had I listened to myself, I would have seen how things were not as right as I portrayed. It hurts. I’m embarrassed by how often I allowed myself to wonder into dreams of us together. I didn’t hear – I didn’t want to hear the ways Steve told me I was not a priority. There was no way I could be and there’s no other way to look at the situation. Again, hindsight gives me insight. Time and time again, in multiple ways he tried to tell me it had to end and I wouldn’t accept it. So any hurt I have is on me.

I loved the time I had with Steve and have great memories to reflect upon. I felt the rush of passion and love. I laughed. He bolstered my confidence and had more faith in me than my own family. I still love him and probably always will. I am fortunate because I don’t feel manipulated or “played”. We found ourselves at the wrong points of our lives.

My sage advice to mistresses is don’t play the blame game to end the relationship. Look at it like any other break-up, it isn’t working and won’t be a long-term fit. It’s ok to say you’re ready for more. When you try to speak words or explain your lover’s actions instead of accepting the time has come for a change, then I think you’re only making the wounds deeper.

Of course it’s easy fore to wax poetic. I’ve gone through the grief. I hope each person is able to fun their own path and their own way towards resolution.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. November 13, 2013 4:06 pm

    Wise words… I am not ready for more, nor do I think I want more. Sometimes I do, but it ebbs and flows just like what you’re saying.

  2. Hope permalink
    November 13, 2013 6:52 pm

    Wow! Your eloquent post left me breathless. As smittenwithhim remarked, “wise words” and advice. I could not have written this better.

    I’ve been out of my affair for a year and as I’ve mentioned in other posts, while there was no D day or ugly ending, it didn’t end ideally or on a high note. We went our separate ways; no communication on either part. He moved several hours from me. In the interim I did a lot of soul searching, received some solid counseling, and had accepted that we were never see each other or communicate with each other again. Then a couple of days ago he reached out to wish me happy birthday. Completely unexpected. I wrote back to thank him. Knowing that he moved from the area and not hearing from him afforded me the opportunity to heal and be clear about what I wanted and what I expected from any subsequent relationship. Now, while he has asked for nothing I feel that pull, and leap to wonder what if…? I’m not the same woman I was when we parted, but apparently some parts remain. So for now I work with ‘baseline data’ only. He is a man I had a relationship with who still has a girlfriend who wished me happy birthday. Nothing more.

    Your words, “hindsight is insight” reverberate in my head.

    • November 14, 2013 12:41 am

      We could be twins! If I got an email like that I’d push down all barriers to try to figure out the what if. Stay strong and out the question out of your mind. You’re right. He’s a past love. Past. And he did a nice thing to reach out and wish you a happy birthday. Keep that thinking.

  3. Jen permalink
    November 13, 2013 11:33 pm

    Thank you so much for this post. It rings true on so many levels. As with the previous commenter, I also loved your “hindsight is insight” statement. So true. I’m still in the thick of my affair but am at the point of wanting more, so I know I will need to cut ties. I just can’t bring myself to do it. He will cut them with me if I ask him to. He wants me to be happy. He just can’t give me the happiness I seek and is very honest about that. I cannot place any blame. Its similar to your situation with Steve, we are at the wrong points in our lives and this just can’t work. Yet I’m still not ready for it to end.

  4. November 14, 2013 10:45 pm

    Very good

  5. Lovewithmysoulmate permalink
    December 1, 2013 6:31 am

    The first time around..yes, I had an affair with the same mm six years ago. I ended the affair because he moved to Chicago. During this time, he would send me emails wishing me “happy birthday” and “hellos” which I ignored. Six years later, he moved back to the same town without his wife; sent me an email and the affair was back on. But, I realize my “emotional” disappointments which led to this relationship. He’s going through a lot emotionally and financially. I can’t blame him or make him the bad guy. We have been the “comforting” link to each other. Am I ready to move on? Time will tell.

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