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Anatomy of an affair Pt. 7

December 19, 2013

Insecurities run rampant in a long-term affair. While they paly in the same sandbox as jealousy, they are indeed an issue unto themselves. I contend jealousy has to do with outside forces such as wives, children, work, vacations while insecurities feed off self-doubt. At times jealousy and insecurity are tangent, other times they’re distinctly different.

I remember how often I was jealous of Steve’s time with his other obligations in life. How often I wished I didn’t have to fall off his priority list. How I wished I wasn’t so easily forgotten while he tended to his real life. The green monster lived just below the surface of my skin.

Reflecting back on the affair recently, I came to understand how my self-doubts also played into my loneliness. Steve had had previous affairs before me and I found myself wondering what those women were like. Maybe some of you can relate. At times I wondered if he missed things about those other women – were they younger, were they prettier, were they more adventurous, were they thinner? When I look in the mirror and see all the flaws which keep me from having the elusive love I desire, I can point to all the things he could get from another woman.

Time apart made those insecurities grow. Illogical thinking takes over and conclusions jumped to faster than Irish dancers clogging there way to Carnige Hall. Of course he doesn’t want to spend time with you, have you seen those wrinkles? Why would he want to be in bed with you, those breasts sure aren’t perky. On and on my mind would validate my self-hatred – finding such nit picky flaws I’d be exhausted.

Between the loneliness, the insecurity, and the self-doubt, I’d convince myself that Steve was indeed seeking out the new, better version of an affair. In my gut, I knew that wasn’t who he was, but those moments of weakness I would believe the voices inside my head.

In order to make a long-term affair work, you will need to be conscious of where your mind wonders. Validate the thoughts that creep up. Question the motivations for the doubt. You will have to fight to keep the perspective in place or you’ll quickly drive yourself crazy.

An affair is a combination of lies you tell yourself, you tell each other, and you tell the world. It’s a thin veil that can easily break when the acidic brain patterns get thumping too loud. Be cautious. Not only of the misconceptions you create in a mental playground, but of the lies which perpetuate the affair. The balance is delicate!

11 Comments leave one →
  1. December 19, 2013 7:53 pm

    You couldnt have said it better. Its hard to be in a long term affair because like it or not at the end you lose a part of yourself. I am in a long term and its been hard on me but yet I cant let him go.

  2. Nina Sreed permalink
    December 19, 2013 9:18 pm

    “I contend jealousy has to do with outside forces such as wives, children, work, vacations while insecurities feed off self-doubt.”
    … So true … Especially for Christmas when the estranged husband and wife are pretending and playing at happy family for their kids, extended family, neighbors. My MM says his wife and him dont talk and she hasnt taken an interest in him in 10+ years. ironic because the Xmas gifts she bought (officially the kids gifts to dad) were perfectly inline with his new found interests and hobbies. Thoughtful gifts. When he’s already seen the lawyer and started talking to his wife about divorce, why would he take her to his mothers house for Xmas dinner? When she hasn’t been there in years?

    “An affair is a combination of lies you tell yourself, you tell each other, and you tell the world.”
    … Yes that’s why I call myself his mistress and he calls me his girlfriend and future wife. Only time will tell which one turns out to be true.

  3. December 19, 2013 11:15 pm

    You are so wise! In an affair it is so hard to maintain a positive self-image for so many reasons!

    When I start doubting myself and feeling inadequate, I just remind myself that if he didn’t want to stay with me he wouldn’t. It’s easier as time goes on because the longer he stays with me, the more I know he likes me. 🙂 I DO have times when, no matter what, I still doubt myself, but even then I try to assure myself the feelings will pass and everything will be okay again.

  4. Jen permalink
    December 20, 2013 12:59 pm

    Very well said! Initially when my affair started I spent a lot of time worrying he will find some one else and leave me. So much of my self worth was wrapped in how much he validated me….told me how beautiful I was but then when I wasn’t seeing him I would begin to feel sadness and worry he really didn’t care. So I started to work on myself and get to a point where I can see my worth without him. If he leaves some day I will be sad, but its not the end of the world and I will move on. I love him, but now I also love myself. Your post totally resonated with me, with how I felt fo so long.

  5. December 30, 2013 12:02 am

    indeed. when I have too much time on my hands or our communication is limited due to the distance, and real life, I have to be mindful where my mind wanders and the insecurities I have. This is my first and likely my only, I don’t know that my heart can do this again. But I am the 7th in the line of lovers my long distance man has had over the course of his 25-year marriage. He has lived this double life for his entire adult life.

    • December 30, 2013 1:37 am

      I can’t imagine having a double life for that long. I’m sure you’ve already discovered just how difficult it can be.
      It’s best not to dwell on him and focus on what you desire out of the relationship though.

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