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Anatomy of an affair Pt. 9

March 25, 2014

We’ve talked about when it’s time to end an affair, things you might feel while you’re in an affair, and ways to manage yourself throughout an affair. I guess the next logical look is how to come to terms with the end and move on from an affair.

You already know the end of an affair is the same as the end of any sort of intimate relationship. For what ever time you and your lover were together, you were intimate and at times the intimacy you shared was beyond any physical touch.  The transition from intimacy to not can be long. Here’s what I learned along the way.

Perspective. This I by far the hardest thing to keep at the end of a relationship. Your dreams are broken along with your heart. The future you had once hoped for is not to be. So now what? How do you look back while moving forward?

It easy to be angry. And in that anger it’s easy to throw away both the good and bad in an effort to make a break. There’s no reason it can’t have been good once, but not good now. People change. Circumstances change. It’s ok.

I believe people are brought into your life for a reason and they leave for a reason as well. I also believe the ones who are meant to stay will find a way to stay. If you’ve found yourself at the end of an affair and are alone at this juncture, then there’s a reason you just don’t see it yet. Put don’t the paintbrush and try not to paint the past with broad brush strokes.

Don’t romanticize the past and live only in those high moments. Don’t doom the past and see only the places it went wrong. Somewhere in between is the truth. Take the time to get perspective and live in the truth. Learn from what you’ve experienced and grow into a better person for those experiences.

Whatever you do, DON’T expose the affair. I only bring it up because it seems like a very common reaction when affairs end. I could never hurt another person by telling about my affair. In the end it doesn’t make you feel any better and it hurts innocent people. It will never change the heart of your former lover either. No good can come from acting out of hate.

Yes you’ll want to feel the other person knows what they have lost. Yes you’ll want the satisfaction of knowing they hurt too. These are all normal feelings. But, like a good bottle of wine is full of empty calories, these feelings do nothing to help you keep perspective. They hold you down. Your ego is begging for validation and wanting to soothe the rawness of your heart. It’s your ego which begs for your anger to be justified. Fight your ego.

Love yourself, respect the other person, and take a deep breath. Eventually the tears will stop. Eventually you’ll understand the whys. No I take that back. You may never understand the whys, but eventually you’ll stop asking because it’s just worth asking anymore.

You’ll survive and overcome to find acceptance of your loss. Until then, keep perspecive.


10 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2014 11:27 am

    You know … maybe it’s just the morning, but …
    All of this, and your many other pithy observations, apply equally to extant relationships. Even to “socially acceptable” ones.

    • March 25, 2014 12:33 pm

      Thank you. I do think any relationship has the same characteristics. When I first started blogging I was told I had no right to mourn the loss of an affair because I knew what I was getting into. But the pain is just as real. The biggest difference is the MM continues on with his life as normal – laying down wit his wife, having family dinners and being surrounded with normalcy and the OW mourns alone.

      • Lost Sparrow permalink
        May 1, 2014 8:12 pm

        I have just started reading your blog. I am about 20 months out of my affair. It still hurts. It did not end on a good note. I just spoke with him a few weeks after 1 1/2 years of no contact. We both apologized for how it ended. We run across each other from time to time and I have always kept my distance, never wanting to overstep any boundary. Our conversation revealed He has no hard feelings, that we spent amazing times together over the 3 years together, that if we should run into each other again to just hang out, have a glass of wine and “be again”. I am not sure what that means, but for me to would be very difficult as I still see him as a life partner. There are residual feelings there both good and bad. I am still in my marriage for the sake of my kids. His son is having problems so he says “logically” he needs to stay as well. He also said that his “wife is trying to meet his needs, whatever that means”. I am guessing it’s obiligatory sex which is horrible IMHO. He told me he would call in a few weeks (it’s been 3) to set up lunch with me and that he would like that. No word, just a 2 sentence email asking about a trip I went on. Not sure if he is scared on his part, game playing or doesn’t want to stir up old memories. I wondered though if he is trying to make his household happy for the sake of his son, why risk going to lunch with me or having drink at his country club where his friends or possibly his wife would see us. Not sure how to decypher it. Anyways I am left feeling disappointed yet again. We talked about many things in that last coversation. So difficult. Lost Sparrow

      • May 17, 2014 7:36 am

        I have no idea why I just now received this. And so sorry for the, evidently, late reply.
        Have faith dear. Not that things will work out as you might hope, but that things will work out as they were intended to be.
        (Not as WE intend, of course ,,,)

  2. year2013 permalink
    March 25, 2014 2:33 pm

    Thank you for sharing. This is how I am feeling now about the of the affair.

  3. Nikki permalink
    June 24, 2014 3:15 am

    I came across your blog, and reading every entry. Im married with three young kids, and was having an affair with my husbands friend,who is also married with three young kids. It only lasted two months. The beginning was unreal. He made me feel so desired and sexy. Most of our relationship was through Facebook messaging. We did have sex a few times and it was mind blowing. Our passion for each other was out of this world, and like nothing ive ever felt for anyone else. Then, for some reason, our contact became less and less. He claimes his feelings never changed, just our expectations have. And that im just a glimpse in his life and hes having a hard time finding the time for each other that we need. So I decided yesterday to call it quits. I had to do it through Facebook massaging (which is our form of contact). Im disappointed in his reaction. He said he wants to talk to me and will text me soon so we can talk. I still haven’t heard from him. I know hes logged into our account, but hasn’t emailed me. I know the right thing to do is cut off all contact with him.But part of me hopes maybe we can try it again and I wont become so attached. Which I know isnt the case. We will come in contact with each other, he’s helping my husband on stuff around my house in the near future. I’m so heartbroken over him. I miss his touch. I hope I can learn to let him go and move on. To appreciate my husband that loves me and would do anything for me.

    • June 26, 2014 11:44 pm

      Affairs give you a high that is like no other really. You do feel beautiful, sexy, desired. All the things you miss in a long-term relationship. I know it’s hard to have this distance with your lover, but you have a great attitude thinking about what you have with your husband.

      • nikki permalink
        January 31, 2015 8:19 pm

        Here I am, 7 months later..never ended the affair until 7 weeks ago. We never ended up being intimate again. The rest of our affair was just through messaging and a few skype sessions. For six months he strung me along. Kept saying we’ll see each other again, then would always come up with an excuse that he was too busy. The busiest man in the world!! So I finally whent no contact. I forgot to block my email. He emailed me a few times and stupid me messaged him back, hoping he was going to say he will find time for me. Stupid me. He just wanted to apologize for not giving me more and thanking me for giving him so much. (I believe this was his way of having the upper hand and feeding his ego) He came to our house to pick something up and it hurt so much to see him. He acted as though nothing happened between us. My H was there too, but i never even got a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes. Nobody ever found out and I hope it stays that way. Ive completely blocked him for about 7 weeeks now. It hurts like hell. Ive been in therapy for about 3 months. When I’m angry with him, it helps. But I cant stop thinking about him. Ever. Hes constantly on my mind. Will the pain ever go away? Will he ever be out of my head? And to know that he’s just going on with his life like NOTHING ever hapened just makes it hurt more. As long as my H and him are friends, he will always be in my life and I hate that.

      • February 1, 2015 7:09 pm

        I’m so sorry. How painful for you! I have no good advice. Maybe try avoiding him for awhile. If he’s coming over to your husband, make plans to be somewhere else? Work on seeing him in a new light. Think of him as pitiful rather than desirable. So much easier to say than do. Good luck!

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