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September 7, 2016

If you’re like me, you’ve gone through several hundreds of year end/mid year reviews at work. You’re always evaluated on you effectiveness, efficiencies and productivity. For well-roundedness, there’s also a look at what have you done well over the last year, improved on or  newly learned.

Well, it’s time to evaluate the effectiveness of blogging. What am I trying to achieve and its it affecting the change I want? Six years, 544 posts and thousands of views later – what has it all meant?

I documented the embarrassingly stereotypical behavior of falling in love with a married man. I opened myself up to the idea of love. Tried to become healthy, both physically and emotionally. I’ve run the figurative and literal treadmill in life, and while there’s miles on the counter, I’m not further than when I started.

My mind is still all too consumed with finding a mate who would fight for me, stand by me and desire me. Even though my mind is working overtime to convince my heart it’s possible to find, the reality is it isn’t in the cards for me.

My new mantra is: peace, contentment, acceptance. I breath it and breath it out. My temporary normal is my new normal. What I hoped would be a phase of life is my life.

So I delete all the nonsense that’s filled these pages. The ridiculous accounts at attempted change and unfounded hope for something more. I find great cathartic release in trashing every attempt to force the universe to validate my existence.

I can say with certainty I’m nowhere close to being where I wanted to be, but have decided the map I was following was dangerous. It wasn’t my map. I stole someone else’s directions and tried to make them mine. I followed the laberynth thinking it would finally bring me love. That’s not my destination. At least not to find love of another person. My destination is one of self discovery and self reliance. They don’t print many of those maps. I’ve had to carve my own path and tear through the jungle of mass messages telling me I was wrong and deformed to be alone.

Alone I am though. And I have to continue to practice peace, contentment and acceptance. I’m too tired to keep up the fight. I’m exhausted asking for something which will never be. Peace. Contentment. Acceptance. That’s all that needs to be.

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