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The comparative trap

October 20, 2016

Fall has always been a time of reflection for me. This fall is no exception. My problem though is im stuck in comparative mode which is bringing me down a dark pathway.

I’m still breathing acceptance and contentment – but I’m exhaling jealousy and dissatisfaction.

As I look around my life, I see all the areas I’ve yet to succeed. There was so much I thought would be different. What others in my life have and still elude me.

  • Financial stability
  • Professional success
  • Respect amongst peers, friends, colleagues
  • Vacations, retirements, marriages, happiness

Jealousy turns to anger, anger turns to depression and the cycle continues.

I wallow in pity wondering why I cannot find love. Why have I never been loved? Perhaps if at one time, for even a brief moment, had I experienced love then I would have the confidence to get through a “dry spell” until love came again. But that’s not my life story. In the nearly half century on earth, I’ve yet to convince one other human being to feel a deep affection for my soul.

I’m a spectator at my child’s event and am keenly aware I’m the only single amongst the group of 30. Everyone else is paired up. Some with families, some new love, most long matched pairs. I watch a husband cover his wife to keep her warm and hold her hand through the event. Another brand new love flirting and laughing.  I’m alone.

What does it feel like to have someone else think of you even in hectic times? To text or call just because you’re on their hearts? What does it feel like to know substantial connections and deep roots of togetherness that even through fights and arguments you have living arms around you? How different would life be if you knew you could come home to sit together and do nothing or plan an adventure?

My life is superficial. I can’t fathom  how incredible the warmth one could have from being loved. To mean something to someone. To be missed, wanted, cared for, respected – loved. The tears of emptiness fall out of my empty soul.

I’m wondering why I decided to draw the line in the sand to not have a sexual relationship. I’m good at those. Simple connections. Brief moments of initmacy. Sure it’s not forever, but at least I’m not alone – for a little while.

For now, deep breaths. Practice acceptance and contentment.

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