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October 27, 2016

I’m constantly surprised by the amount of people in my life that don’t see how much I’m hurting. Not so much by those casual observers in my life, but by those who say they are so close to me. Dinner the other day with a friend reinforced how invisible I am in the world I walk.

I’ve told this person how much I wish I could be partnered up. I even went as far as being vulnerable enough to say this gaping hole physically hurts me. Yet she asks me if I am dating anyone. No. I would have made this announcement had I actually found someone willing to date me. Then she asks if I’m fucking anyone. No. Because, for some reason beyond comprehension right now, I decided to hold out for a more substantial connection. She then proceeds to tell me about her friend who is divorcing and dating like a maniac. Super awesome. Thank you for reinforcing my loneliness and bringing home the missing DNA strand which makes me an attractive mate to the opposite sex. Wow. I feel incredibly validated.

There is one man who has chatted with me on the dating site. He asks to communicate outside the site. I provide an email. Today I wake up to the most erratic email. Strangely punctuated and repetitive sentences that make no sense what so ever. I’m pretty sure I’ve just been contacted by 1) some robot from Russia hoping to scam me or 2) a serial killer looking for his next victim or 3) both. Perfect. So, no response is needed there.

I can’t go through another holiday season which kicks off next week. I don’t have the strength to put on the happy, friendly face. I don’t have the fortitude to put on the mask, bury my feelings, and be invisible. I cannot take another joyous party. Another romantic getaway. Another family celebration. Another invite to be the third wheel in a celebration. I’m internally screaming and externally smiling and NO ONE HEARS. No one acknowledges. I simply can not do another holiday season.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. October 27, 2016 4:13 pm

    You could just turn off. Flip your switch to be cold and emotionally unavailable to everyone. Then none of it matters. It helps, but I keep being told it is not healthy. Silly people, what do they know anyways.

    • October 27, 2016 9:18 pm

      Ah, yes. There is always that. But I’ve yet to figure out how to stop feeling. I feel – everything, so deeply. If I could just detach myself then I’d have immense happiness. Perhaps there is more healthiness with that than anything I’m doing.

      • October 28, 2016 12:43 am

        Oh not really. When you detach you lose the ability to feel happiness as well. Instead you see everything around you and you can almost see the emotions in people but you don’t feel them. It helps to get through the day but good luck connecting to anyone.

        It is really hard to turn back on once it is off. I constantly find myself turning it back off, again and again.

  2. October 27, 2016 4:13 pm

    Reblogged this on foreverdreamingoflove and commented:
    This is so sad. I hope thing move in a different/better direction for you.

    • October 27, 2016 8:22 pm

      Thanks. It’s not so much sad as it is the need to accept my circumstances and who I am. The more I fight to be loved, the more unhappy I’ll be. I’ll never be 6 feet tall or a size 2. I’ll never have brown eyes or a size 9 shoe size. This is simply me.

  3. October 27, 2016 4:37 pm

    Have you tried looking at a single’s cruise over the holidays? Also, I hear that is a great way to find other people (outside of the online dating façade) who have common interests.

  4. October 27, 2016 8:01 pm

    Seems like you have not allowed yourself to heal from the last affair that you had. ( I remember it well) You don’t seem to be a “mistress” anymore, perhaps that’s one of the things you might want to become detached from. It no longer identifies who you are as a woman.

    • October 27, 2016 8:24 pm

      Yeah, I’ve changed a lot since I began blogging.It’s not even that I want to identify as something else. I guess, for me it’s coming to terms with the inevitability of that I’m a great fuck, just not a great love. That can be my identity 🙂

      • October 28, 2016 2:06 am

        Sorry, but I just HAD to comment here. Your last two sentences actually took my breath away, because I have said and heard them. I had a partner tell me once that I was really nice to have around until something special came along. I internalized that and it ate away at me. Now, I say FUCK HIM!! I am special to someone that DESERVES me. I was lucky and found my true soul mate. He was wrapped in a package that was COMPLETELY opposite of what I thought I wanted. My heart hurts for you because I was you and I know how painful that is. I don’t actually know you, but I DO KNOW that you are SO MUCH MORE than just a good fuck. Love the amazing person you are and wait as long as it takes to find your everything. ((HUGS))

      • October 28, 2016 2:47 pm

        You’re very kind. I do love me and believe I am more – it’s just the universe has not shown me it agrees 🙂 Thank you for the kind words.

  5. October 28, 2016 3:02 am

    I so wish that I had those few great words or sentences that would make a difference. But I don’t, I can’t even find them to apply to my own life. I do know that you are an intelligent caring woman that has so much more to offer than the surface shows. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that it is not over, there is so much more to come. Tomorrow could be so different from today. This is the little bit of light that I hang onto to get through my hard times. I will be thinking about you through these holidays wishing you the best!

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