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The body wash incident

December 25, 2016

Earlier this week I reached for my favorite body wash only to find it wasn’t in my shower. Argh! Anger washed over me as I cursed my adult child who doesn’t comprehend boundaries. I don’t use this often, but that particular day I wanted to feel feminine. It’s been so long since I’ve been feminine.

I’m nearly mid-century, experiencing acne, and have dull, dark hair. I don’t stand out in a crowd. The only time my eyes are complimented are by other women – who are always utterly shocked by the blueness of my eyes. I’m easily overlooked in a group and blend into surroundings. I’ve become the single color puzzle piece which is needed to complete the project,  but entirely plain and utilitarian. People are looking for unique puzzle pieces – odd shapes, pieces with color and design, solid foundations to give shape to the jumbled mess, not the filler pieces which are last to be placed.

The season is wearing on me like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I’m tired of this feeling. I’ve concentrated on being mindful, focusing on others, reaching out instead of holding in, but nothing helps. Each morning I wake up painfully aware of my loneliness. As much as I push it aside, it sits upon my chest. I read about people who are excited to spend the holidays alone and I feel even more broken. What’s wrong with me that I can’t see this as a good thing? I read spiritual devotional about people who feel glum during the holidays. And can we talk about the word glum? Why can they not say they’re experiencing sadness, depression, loneliness? Why are they so blessed to simply feel glum? I feel even worse that I’m so unfaithful that I cannot just be glum.

I’m not strong enough to tell people how I’m hurting. I can’t be vulnerable enough to let people in. No one wants this emotion at a time of celebration, so I spare everyone in my life. And so when I decide I want to feel feminine and the body wash is nowhere to be found, I lash out in anger. I drive to work angry. I become incredibly bah-hum-bugish to the sites and sounds of the holiday. The spiral is in play.

It’s time to stop.  Breathe. Remember the bigger picture. This is temporary. It’s ok to be alone. I can succeed by myself and I can learn to accept this is my normal. Tomorrow is a new,  bright day. There’s hope for feeling different when I awake.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 26, 2016 2:25 am

    I often feel alone in a crowd, not sure what is wrong, I wish you a great New Years where you find yourself and am happy with what you find!

  2. December 27, 2016 11:20 pm

    I am not telling you that you need to change, but why can’t you do something to make yourself stand out more? Don’t you have any hobbies? What do you do for fun? What have you always wanted to try? Have you tried finding any single’s groups yet? Or that single’s cruise I keep mentioning? Maybe you could work in a soup kitchen and meet some wonderful gentleman who also donates his time… (people blend in because they want to…)

    What makes you unique, my Dear? It’s certainly not nothing…. Think about it! What do you love about you? You have something truly special about you, just reach inside… Also, if you want people to like you, just start liking people! Come out of your shell a bit.. Things will begin to change, evolve and grow for you.

    Holding your bad feelings in and telling yourself constantly that no one gives a shit hasn’t helped you in the past, isn’t helping you presently and won’t help you in the future. Your psyche will continue to destroy itself as long as you will let it.

    Not that it helps, but I completely understand the emptiness you feel when it comes to losing a “true love/soul mate”. I’ve been destroying myself emotionally for the past 2 years because I don’t want to deal with the pain of losing him. We were together for 6 years!! (Someone told me that it takes as long to get over someone as the time you were together with them 😦 *sigh*)

    Feelings compound themselves. So, if you’re always and only thinking about how miserable you are, how lonely you are and how things will never get better – well, things will always be just like that. It’s really hard to get out of a depression funk and it’s been a very long time for you, have you considered going to a therapist and maybe getting a prescription for anti-depressants? Maybe that can enable you to be more positive?

    • December 27, 2016 11:21 pm

      Happy New Year, Sweetie!! I truly hope that things finally start to swing upwards for you!!!!
      ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ XOXOXOX

    • December 29, 2016 10:58 pm

      I hear what you’re saying. Right now time, money, and a heightened sense of caution preclude a lot.
      But, let’s face it. I’ve been dating for over half my life. I have yet to find a person who finds me unique or interesting enough to stick with for any length of time. I’m an incredible person. But, I have nothing unique to offer. I’m generic, vanilla, plain. I’m like a worn in pair of jeans. Comfortable, easy, warm, genuine, something you slip into to casually relax, but when you head out the door, you want something that will do more for you.
      It’s not the end of the world. We humans are not promised a happy ever after. Not everyone gets to be rich, not everyone can travel abroad, not everyone can be a mathematical genius. I’m simply not meant to be loved in the terms or the way I once had in mind I would be loved. I AM loved by friends and family – and I promise by myself. It is what it is. This is simply a matter of changing my perspective on what my future holds and accepting it is a journey of one.
      Yes, I get down and need to get it out in the blog. But it’s all part of the process of change.
      I hope you have a great New Year’s and 2017 brings you great adventure!

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