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Long-term dismay

June 15, 2017

I went to the therapist overwhelmed, exhausted and buried. She asks how I’ve dealt with this in the past. It’s not my first time at the rodeo after all. I think about all the negative ways I’ve found to cope in the past and glossed over them to give her a more socially acceptable answer – friends. Really it’s being able to vent – writing, crying, word vomit. These days it’s hard to find anyone still willing to listen to my redundant tales. It’s same story month after month, day after day. Hell I don’t want to listen!

I thought this feeling of dismay would pass after my birthday. That’s my normal pattern. A time of reflection generally leads me to see how far I am from where I want to be. Once the day goes by, then I refocus, pull up my big girl panties and walk on. Not this time. I’ve drastically reduced my social media to see if its comparison and competitive mindset bringing me down. I’m doing more for my community to get out of my head and see a broader perspective on life. Tried being one with nature and getting a good cardio workout. Yet I still feel a general sadness running through me. A hopelessness almost.

It’s wedding season which only adds to the dismal outlook. People in my life coupling up. People who have the chance at love, not once, but several times while I continue to seek acceptance in my lack of the X factor which brings love. It’s a painful reminder of the long term relationships I’ve had which resulted in not love. How incredibly forgettable I am. How easy I am to walk away from and not look back.

A recent job responsibility change hit my ego hard. Raising two teens leaves me in a constant state of chaotic stress. I don’t have anyone to share my burdens and so I drown under the pressure of being an adult. Life is testing me. Simple platitudes irritates me. What should be uplifting devotionals, only make what I lack more evident.

I breathe. I hope. I look for opportunity in the midst of the darkness. It is just for now. Things change. They always do.

 

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 4, 2017 2:19 pm

    They do. I hope things turn for you soon. Wishing you all the best.

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